A very close family member has been told they have stomach cancer today, but ive been asked not to tell my sister by my parents until they have had another scan to determine the extent of it, which will be in the next two weeks.
On the one hand my sister is 7 months pregnant, is in alot of back pain and has a terribly irritable toddler so sleepless nights - the news will hit her hard like it has me, but on the otherhand, I know her well enough to know she will be more than a little hurt if she is the last to know by some margin.
I see three options - dont say anything, tell her enough to ask a targeted question that will reveal all most likely if she speaks to them, or tell her and prepare the ground as my mum has already said she couldnt sum up the words to tell her over Skype.
Any advice, im quite torn on my loyalties and im sure some of you have had to do something similar. My instinct is that everyone should know but its not me that has the cancer.
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The wishes of the sufferer are paramount and inviolate.
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I agree with Z.
There are things in life that warrant a white lie, this is one of them.
Nothing to do with this is going to be easy, all the best to those concerned.
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Agree with Zero.
I would probably want to wait until more is known before telling her. Not knowing the full extent of something often leads to fears that are worse than the eventual outcome.
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I'd also follow Zero's tack.
Best wishes to you all.
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Fair enough guys, thx.
Im hoping for a change of mind as the decision was made only an hour after the news and with cancer being such an uncontrollable entity, it may just be a way of seizing control of the only element of the problem available at the time.
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I hate being told not to tell anyone else and usually reply I don't keep secrets as it usually leads to lies.
If they don't want the news spread, then why the hell tell anyone?
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because you might have a need to tell *someone* it may not be the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, but equally i can see how you might not want to be swamped by telling everyone.
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Worth pointing out that everyone from family to work colleagues knows already, my sister is the only one who doesnt, thats why I see trouble with it, my sister will see it as being lied to - she talks to the person every day online, so it wont be for lack of opportunity.
Im wondering whether it may be a better idea to tell my brother-in-law actually as he can pick an appropriate moment. My in-laws did this when my wifes uncle had terminal cancer and I kept it from her until she was day off work had time to process it, my mum doesnt want my sister being alone when she is told so it seems a reasonable idea.
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Sounds like an awful time for you too :(. I I agree don't tell your sister yet but she does need to know, just at the right moment.
You're a nice guy and you don't deserve this at your age, but then nobody does.
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Its not me Rats, im ill but not with that, immediate family though.
Ive arranged that my brother-in-law will tell her, once I can text him at work, so have to wait a few hours ( time difference ). My mum hadnt thought of it but she is happy with the idea.
I really do hate cancer, it would be nice to go a few years without it, infact a few years without any illness would be nice, I was only in the hospital two nights ago with my wife having heart issues ( known heart defect means any wobble and your straight in ).
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>>A very close family member has been told they have stomach cancer today
>>Worth pointing out that everyone from family to work colleagues knows already
Umm ok
>>my sister is the only one who doesnt, thats why I see trouble with it, my sister will see it as being lied to - she talks to the person every day online
So the patient can tell your sister.
Where's the dilemma ?
Last edited by: Lygonos on Mon 16 Apr 12 at 23:27
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>>Where's the dilemma ?<<
Your the only one that didnt understand, dont worry yourself, its sorted now.
Thanks :-)
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The dilemma as presented is simply "I want to tell my sister" vs "So far the affected person has had the opportunity to do so but hasn't"
That's not a moral dilemma. It's called good manners.
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Why thankyou, what I really needed was your helpful sarcasm. I know why I havent been here much now.
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>> Why thankyou, what I really needed was
Stu - just a friendly reminder that Lygonos is a GP by trade. I'm sure he didn't mean to come across as abrupt to you.
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...Lygonos is a GP by trade...
And Jock docs are known for their lack of bedside manner.
Last edited by: Iffy on Wed 18 Apr 12 at 18:45
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Nowt wrong with my bedside manner.
But I don't tell lies, break confidentiality, or take BS graciously.
The problem with this story is (as limited by the interweb and a lack of all pertinent details) it's pretty obvious what the right answer is (as alluded to by Z right up top).
What's not so obvious: was the OP wanting to tell his sister to help his conscience, or hers?
It's not always easy to know (even the OP may not) when there is such a high level of stress/distress at stake.
In saying all that, however, I'm generally a strong believer in not trying to keep secrets from those who may be helping you deal with a problem in future - even when those secrets are pretty horrible - it's just putting off the inevitable and probably causes more stress for the patient who has the cancer.
It's a more common issue amongst people from the older (now 60yrs+) generation who tended to be more stoic and whose heroes would never admit to being unwell until you read their obituaries - nowadays its increasingly common to read about famous people's illness and their trials and tribulations - I think this actually helps people be a lot more open about serious illness than in the past.
Telling your loved ones you have a "stomach infection" or somesuch when you've been told you've got pancreatic/bowel/liver cancer is usually not the best way to deal with what is to come in my book.
Howver - The patient knows best (even when he/she doesn't!).
Last edited by: Lygonos on Wed 18 Apr 12 at 20:31
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I know its not you Stu but you;re clearly suffering. Cancer is the one thing that if I could get rid of I would.
Be strong and hopefully things will work out ok.
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>> The wishes of the sufferer are paramount and inviolate.
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Yes, I agree. But it's not clear from the OP whether these are actually the sufferer's wishes or someone else's.
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Who is the sufferer Stuart? If everybody else knows her husband needs to prepare your sister for difficult news.The outcome in two weeks might be better than expected Stuart and treatment is advancing all the time.
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I had a basinful of this marlarkey a few years back when my brother was diagnosed with Alzeimer's.
His daughter told me the full Monty and asked me not to tell another living soul.
I kept schtum but felt uneasy about it because he was my other 3 brothers and 2 sisters brother as well.
Turns out they knew anyway.
:)
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When I was diagnosed with cancer my daughter was with me.A bit of a shock but live goes on.The first visit to the oncologist was the difficult one.I knew that if they couldn't operate the change of survival was very small.
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So you're living proof Dutchie, that cancer can be and often is beaten.
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I'm still here Dog talking nonsens on the Internet.>;) Never give up with cancer the medical profession has advanced regarding treatment.
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>> Never give up with cancer the medical profession has advanced regarding treatment<<
That's quite correct Dutchie, but cancer will never be totally eliminated in living organisms, because there are just too many damn types of the dis-ease we call cancer.
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>
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>> Turns out they knew anyway.
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I think a vital thing to establish when being told a secret is who else knows as well.
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You have my thoughts, FoR - I am going through something not disimilar at the moment
What I would say is that we thought we were going to lose somebody last week, and for his closest family, the thought that they might have to tell other relatives that someone had passed on 'but we didn't want to tell you he was ill' just added masses of stress to the situation
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my twin brother lost his 4 year battle with cancer last august, i went to see him at the local hospice ( loros) a few weeks before... he told us all ( family) he was only at the hospice because they were the best people to sort out his pain medication.....we shook hands and arranged to go for a pint when he was to come home.... that was the last time a saw him , even now we ( family) dont know whether he was keeping it from us or if his body gave up
he went very quickly....... rip bro
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as said before i have a brain tumour and expect about 9 or 12months according to the doctors.
I told my wife straiaght away but have been playing it down for the children
it took me weeks to tell my parents and siblings as there is more illness in the family and wanted to protect them from my bad news but their is never a good time to tell anyone you are dying so if it was to happen again i would tell everyone straight away
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That is bad news nyx.Don't give up yet are you recieving any treatment?My brother has a livespan giving of about a year.Live can be diificult don't give up hope.
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of course i am scared but have provided well for the family so a lot of concern has gone.
done a ton of planning for after the event like letters for the boys on their graduation days or weddings etc.
bought a nice nearly new xj jaguar to enjoy and in process of getting a mint xj-s convertable for another toy.
treatment is horrible and not working at all some i made the decision to stop treatment and enjoy whats left
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Enjoy everyday nyx the jaguar and the other toy all help.Tough decision to stop the treatment but I can understand.Mine was tough also I dehidrated with the chemo i felt like giving in.You never know miracles can happen.Bless you.
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nice words my old dutch...strength to those who need it ...goodnight all
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Moral dilemma - Zero
