Non-motoring > Comforting a dying friend Miscellaneous
Thread Author: Ambo Replies: 18
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 11:39 
 Comforting a dying friend - Ambo
A distressing email this morning tells me my oldest (and only remaining) friend has been admitted to a hospice for cancer victims. I can't get to see him but he must be in a bad way as he can no longer read. I understand that letters will be read to him but what on earth can I say?

Routine expressions of regret would sound hollow. It is no good reminiscing about schooldays, when first we met, as we both disliked them and I don't want to remind him of anything depressing.

I would welcome suggestions.

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New Mon 24 Aug 15 11:45 
 Comforting a dying friend - Cliff Pope
>> I can't get to see him

I think you have to. Anything else would be pointless, and simply demonstrate that other things in your life are more important. Do you want to tell him that?
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 11:52 
 Comforting a dying friend - Ambo
He knows because it has been the case for the last 4 or 5 years. I am not even sure about attending my daughter's wedding in October.
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 11:59 
 Comforting a dying friend - Zero

>> Routine expressions of regret would sound hollow. It is no good reminiscing about schooldays, when
>> first we met, as we both disliked them and I don't want to remind him
>> of anything depressing.
>>
>> I would welcome suggestions.

Face to face is always best, but accept you clearly have very good reasons why that is not possible.

There have been good times in your friendship, plenty of them otherwise you wouldn't have been friends, remind him of them.
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 12:24 
 Comforting a dying friend - Harleyman
Could you consider telephoning him? I would think that even a few minutes of small talk from a known and trusted voice would be a great comfort to him.

Even if he's not well enough to speak to you, I would suggest that the knowledge that you cared enough to telephone and ask after him would help.
Last edited by: Harleyman on Mon 24 Aug 15 at 12:26
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 12:47 
 Comforting a dying friend - No FM2R
>>I would welcome suggestions.

Heartfelt and remembering the good times and what you have meant to each other. Perhaps some memories of any particularly special or important moments.

Some overview of your life now and what goes on. Perhaps status of friends and relatives that you both know if you may be more up-to-date than him.

Your thoughts of him and how important he has been for you, wishes for his comfort now, some comment about how life was richer because you were friends, and whatever wishes for the future seem appropriate depending on any belief system that you both share.

Were I in his shoes, that would mean a lot to me.

Were I in your shoes, it would be enough.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Mon 24 Aug 15 at 12:48
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 12:49 
 Comforting a dying friend - No FM2R
>>It is no good reminiscing about schooldays, when first we met, as we both disliked them and I don't want to remind him of anything depressing.

Oh, and I disagree. They were significant and important times and your friendship came out of them.
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 14:42 
 Comforting a dying friend - zippy
All I can do is offer you my sympathies Ambo, as I don't have any experience, my two friends that died earlier this year went suddenly.

My Ex volunteers in an end of life hospice and tells me of the true joy visitors bring to those who don't have much time left.

When they don't have visitors she spends time with them bringing tea and cakes and chatting over old times. I guess it is important not to feel alone in these situations.
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 15:50 
 Comforting a dying friend - Observer
"Routine expressions of regret would sound hollow."

I think it's important you do and say something, without over-thinking it. People often worry unnecessarily about "saying the right thing".

You need to accept that this is a stressful time for you and well as for him, but his situation demands more, and you should put aside your feelings for now.

In fact, it's almost impossible to do or say the wrong thing, provided your intentions are good. Just do it.
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 16:02 
 Comforting a dying friend - MD
As the Observer says. I've been there and done that once or twice. It can be very uneasy and unnerving sometimes, but he's your Mate and he would appreciate hearing from or seeing you I'm sure. Good Luck.
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 16:25 
 Comforting a dying friend - Pat
When Nick first contacted me via the forum email, he told me his prognosis and his despair.

In my forthright fashion I tried to answer his worries one by one.

I finished the email with the sentiment that perhaps he'd just like a friend to chat to 'normally', and if so I was his man (girl/woman).

He said that was what he missed more than anything so we had many happy emails just chatting about normal stuff.

There were times when he wanted to talk about 'it' but I always reassured him I was there if he wanted to, but it was up to him to instigate that subject after the initial email and it seemed to work for him.

Hope this helps......

Pat
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New Mon 24 Aug 15 18:54 
 Comforting a dying friend - Harleyman
What Pat said.

Over the years, sadly we've had one or two on our Harley forum with terminal illnesses, and that "normality" is often what they need from their friends.
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New Tue 25 Aug 15 00:07 
 Comforting a dying friend - Bobby
I don't know your circumstances re distance from hospice, facilities etc but just because soneone is in a hospice doesn't mean they can't have a phone call, a FaceTime or Skype call. All of these have been done in our hospice. Even webcams.

There is no right or wrong thing to say. Your friend will most certainly know why they are there and will probably be facing up to what's about to happen. So he will not be expecting you to cheer him up or whatever although the probability is that your presence will do that anyway.

What I would say is if he is not able to read a letter then you really don't have much time to think about what you are going to do next. Whatever you decide, make sure you will not regret that decision.

If distance prevents a visit, at the very least try and phone. You may need to go through a relative or whatever but at least you can have a few words, just to say that you heard he was poorly and that you are thinking of him. That may simply be enough.
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New Tue 25 Aug 15 10:57 
 Comforting a dying friend - neiltoo
The comfort goes both ways.

If he's your oldest and only friend then please think hard about your ability to see him before the inevitable, for your own future peace of mind.
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New Tue 25 Aug 15 10:59 
 Comforting a dying friend - neiltoo
I paused twenty four hours before posting that, and I'm still not sure it will help.
Apologies if not.

Neil
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New Tue 25 Aug 15 13:33 
 Comforting a dying friend - Ambo
No need to apologise but it would have been a physcal impossibity. I say "would have been" because although I managed to get a card off this morning, and was part way through a letter, the hospice emailed me the news that he died yesterday. Many thanks to all for observations and suggestions.
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New Tue 25 Aug 15 15:34 
 Comforting a dying friend - No FM2R
Sorry about that Ambo, but at least you know that you were midway through trying to do something. Some comfort, at least.
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New Tue 25 Aug 15 17:30 
 Comforting a dying friend - J Bonington Jagworth
You can comfort yourself too with the thought that raising the question here has prompted some thoughtful responses that may well help others in a similar situation. Most of us rack our brains for the 'right' thing to say, when the sufferer will be happy just for the company or a few reminiscences. It really is the thought that counts!
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New Tue 25 Aug 15 18:29 
 Comforting a dying friend - Observer
Very sorry indeed to hear your news, Ambo.
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