Non-motoring > Terrible jokes thread. Miscellaneous
Thread Author: R.P. Replies: 29

 Terrible jokes thread. - R.P.
In response to popular demand (well one of you asked us) this is the new terrible joke thread.

Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 28 Feb 20 at 12:20
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
Just to keep everyone updated, i'm currently not too good at the moment. I've been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself (typical). What I thought was a simple onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I'm feeling ok but they said I should be out sometime in the Spring.......
 Terrible jokes thread. - tyrednemotional'd better be, someone will need the bed......
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Tell me it's ain't so!!!!


I refer you to

 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
Yesterday I had a flat tyre on the M5. I eased my car over to the hard shoulder, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard naked men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before officers Dibble and Dribble pulled up behind me.

They got out of their car and started walking towards me. I could tell neither was a happy bunny.

’What’s going on here?’ Said Dibble

’My car has a flat tyre,’ I said calmly.

’Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?’

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him,

’HellOOOO, those are my emergency flashers!’.....
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I was stood in a queue of five folk at a supermarket checkout the other day with a big bag of dog biscuits, the woman behind me asked "do you have a dog as well"? I replied "no, but I'm going back on my dog-biscuit diet" You can't eat them"! she exclaimed, I replied "of course you can! they are complete nourishment! all you do is put a few in your pocket, and every time you feel peckish, just have a nibble". By now the whole queue was listening intently, so I continued, "last time I was on it for a month and I lost 3 stone, then I ended up in hospital". "Did you poison your self" she asked, I replied "no, I ran out into the road to sniff a labradors backside and got hit by a lorry" You should have seen her face!!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
I was at the back of a long queue at the supermarket the other day, so I coughed a few times and said to the wife, "This damn cold's got a lot worse since we came back from China".

Bang, queue scattered and straight to the front.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan

Starting next Monday is Diarrhoea awareness week.....

Runs until Friday.
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
My wife thinks I should self-isolate.

I went out yesterday and bought fifteen cars.

She thinks I have car-owner virus.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> She thinks I have car-owner virus.

Better than buying loads of van aerials, and her thinking you have van aerial disease.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
After an enjoyable evening with my mates, I stumbled home at 03:00 this morning.

The Mrs was not amused: "Do you know what the time is?" she growled.

"Not this again!" I said. "It's easy, when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3...."

I think my bruises will disappear in a few days.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Went to the post office today, found ourselves at the back of a huge queue, " never get served" said the Wife, so in a loud voice I said to her "What do think of Kev then? has 10 great days in Teneriffe and all he brought me back is this bloomin cold!" - we ended up next in line!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Duncan
>> Went to the post office today, found ourselves at the back of a huge queue,
>> " never get served" said the Wife, so in a loud voice I said to
>> her "What do think of Kev then? has 10 great days in Teneriffe and all
>> he brought me back is this bloomin cold!" - we ended up next in line!

May I refer you to the post on Tuesday February 25th @ 14:45?
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Ah! so that's where I first heard/read it then! - apologies, I thought it was in the pub! ;-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
Be careful how you handle your old Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat Cole records. There's been a sharp increase in cases of croonervirus.
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
Saw a rusty old Corolla. D'yer think it had Corolla virus?
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
I popped into the chemist today and asked a lady "what do you recommend to kill the Corona Virus?"

She replied "Ammonia Cleaner"

"Oh, I am sorry" I said "I thought you were the Pharmacist"
 Terrible jokes thread. - Ambo
To deal with shortages resulting from the coronavirus scare, Waitrose are limiting customers to one lobster and 200 grams of foie gras each.
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
The Germans are preparing for possible shortages caused by the virus by stockpiling sausages and cheese. It's referred to as the Wurstkäse scenario.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I've heard that the Germans have now started laying their towels on hospital beds!
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Was out for a short walk this evening, and on the way home decided to take the short-cut past the cemetery. Just as I entered it, two young girls called to ask me if I would walk them through it as they were scared of going through at night on their own, I said I would and off we all went, about halfway through one of the girls asked me if I was ever scared using it at night, I said I used to be when I was alive but it doesn't bother me now. Must have been trained by Usain Bolt!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Ambo
Self isolation (pinched from elsewhere).

"I am just going inside and may be some time."
 Terrible jokes thread. - CGNorwich
Police were called to a supermarket today after a fight broke out over loo roll. They calmed things down and one person was left with soft tissue damage.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
If you get a text message entitled "Ding Dong" DO NOT OPEN IT.

The Jehovahs Witnesses are working from home.
 Coronavirus - No FM2R
All countries will eventually get Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat.
 Coronavirus - Robin O'Reliant
I used to cough to cover my farts, now I fart to cover my coughs.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan

The first patient to be treated with the new Dyson ventilator is responding well.

Dr's say he's picking up nicely.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Clk Sec
>> Dr's say he's picking up nicely.

Are you absolutely certain it was a Dyson?
 Terrible jokes thread. - legacylad
The government are asking anyone who’s been on benefits for at least 4 years to volunteer as an advisor to give advice to people on how to do FA and stay in
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Chinese chairman to head of security: "while you're here' open that case of Corona" - " NO you fool! I meant get us both a beer"!
Latest Forum Posts