Non-motoring > Terrible jokes thread. Miscellaneous
Thread Author: R.P. Replies: 67

 Terrible jokes thread. - R.P.
In response to popular demand (well one of you asked us) this is the new terrible joke thread.

Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 28 Feb 20 at 12:20
 Terrible jokes thread. - smokie
Just to keep everyone updated, i'm currently not too good at the moment. I've been admitted to hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself (typical). What I thought was a simple onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. I'm feeling ok but they said I should be out sometime in the Spring.......
 Terrible jokes thread. - tyrednemotional'd better be, someone will need the bed......
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Tell me it's ain't so!!!!


I refer you to

 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
Yesterday I had a flat tyre on the M5. I eased my car over to the hard shoulder, carefully got out of the car and opened the boot. I took out 2 cardboard naked men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn’t long before officers Dibble and Dribble pulled up behind me.

They got out of their car and started walking towards me. I could tell neither was a happy bunny.

’What’s going on here?’ Said Dibble

’My car has a flat tyre,’ I said calmly.

’Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?’

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him,

’HellOOOO, those are my emergency flashers!’.....
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I was stood in a queue of five folk at a supermarket checkout the other day with a big bag of dog biscuits, the woman behind me asked "do you have a dog as well"? I replied "no, but I'm going back on my dog-biscuit diet" You can't eat them"! she exclaimed, I replied "of course you can! they are complete nourishment! all you do is put a few in your pocket, and every time you feel peckish, just have a nibble". By now the whole queue was listening intently, so I continued, "last time I was on it for a month and I lost 3 stone, then I ended up in hospital". "Did you poison your self" she asked, I replied "no, I ran out into the road to sniff a labradors backside and got hit by a lorry" You should have seen her face!!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
I was at the back of a long queue at the supermarket the other day, so I coughed a few times and said to the wife, "This damn cold's got a lot worse since we came back from China".

Bang, queue scattered and straight to the front.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan

Starting next Monday is Diarrhoea awareness week.....

Runs until Friday.
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
My wife thinks I should self-isolate.

I went out yesterday and bought fifteen cars.

She thinks I have car-owner virus.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
>> She thinks I have car-owner virus.

Better than buying loads of van aerials, and her thinking you have van aerial disease.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
After an enjoyable evening with my mates, I stumbled home at 03:00 this morning.

The Mrs was not amused: "Do you know what the time is?" she growled.

"Not this again!" I said. "It's easy, when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3...."

I think my bruises will disappear in a few days.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Went to the post office today, found ourselves at the back of a huge queue, " never get served" said the Wife, so in a loud voice I said to her "What do think of Kev then? has 10 great days in Teneriffe and all he brought me back is this bloomin cold!" - we ended up next in line!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Duncan
>> Went to the post office today, found ourselves at the back of a huge queue,
>> " never get served" said the Wife, so in a loud voice I said to
>> her "What do think of Kev then? has 10 great days in Teneriffe and all
>> he brought me back is this bloomin cold!" - we ended up next in line!

May I refer you to the post on Tuesday February 25th @ 14:45?
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Ah! so that's where I first heard/read it then! - apologies, I thought it was in the pub! ;-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
Be careful how you handle your old Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat Cole records. There's been a sharp increase in cases of croonervirus.
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
Saw a rusty old Corolla. D'yer think it had Corolla virus?
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan
I popped into the chemist today and asked a lady "what do you recommend to kill the Corona Virus?"

She replied "Ammonia Cleaner"

"Oh, I am sorry" I said "I thought you were the Pharmacist"
 Terrible jokes thread. - Ambo
To deal with shortages resulting from the coronavirus scare, Waitrose are limiting customers to one lobster and 200 grams of foie gras each.
 Terrible jokes thread. - James Loveless
The Germans are preparing for possible shortages caused by the virus by stockpiling sausages and cheese. It's referred to as the Wurstkäse scenario.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I've heard that the Germans have now started laying their towels on hospital beds!
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Was out for a short walk this evening, and on the way home decided to take the short-cut past the cemetery. Just as I entered it, two young girls called to ask me if I would walk them through it as they were scared of going through at night on their own, I said I would and off we all went, about halfway through one of the girls asked me if I was ever scared using it at night, I said I used to be when I was alive but it doesn't bother me now. Must have been trained by Usain Bolt!
 Terrible jokes thread. - Ambo
Self isolation (pinched from elsewhere).

"I am just going inside and may be some time."
 Terrible jokes thread. - CGNorwich
Police were called to a supermarket today after a fight broke out over loo roll. They calmed things down and one person was left with soft tissue damage.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
If you get a text message entitled "Ding Dong" DO NOT OPEN IT.

The Jehovahs Witnesses are working from home.
 Coronavirus - No FM2R
All countries will eventually get Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat.
 Coronavirus - Robin O'Reliant
I used to cough to cover my farts, now I fart to cover my coughs.
 Terrible jokes thread. - VxFan

The first patient to be treated with the new Dyson ventilator is responding well.

Dr's say he's picking up nicely.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Clk Sec
>> Dr's say he's picking up nicely.

Are you absolutely certain it was a Dyson?
 Terrible jokes thread. - legacylad
The government are asking anyone who’s been on benefits for at least 4 years to volunteer as an advisor to give advice to people on how to do FA and stay in
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Chinese chairman to head of security: "while you're here' open that case of Corona" - " NO you fool! I meant get us both a beer"!
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
One of my teachers once told me that I wouldn't amount to anything if I didn't pay attention - yet here I am laid on my sofa saving the world!
 Terrible jokes thread. - legacylad
With stay at home in place, sadly my local boarding kennels have had to call in the retrievers
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant
Fourth week without sport now. I found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she's my wife.

She seems nice.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
Well, That's me in Hospital

This has not been a good morning. After spending the last two weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horse riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horribly big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slowly but then we went a little faster, before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the stirrups and got dragged along....The horse just would not stop.
Thankfully the manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins off me so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant next.
 Terrible jokes thread. - MD
With respect to Jethro:-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
A short obituary to a father:

I suppose shutting the pubs was the final straw.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Sergeant Major: "Corporal Jones! I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!"

Corporal Jones: "Thank you sergeant!"
 The Golfer's Dilemma - No FM2R
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
Walking home from the pub last night I got accosted and mugged by 6 dwarves!

Not happy !!
Last edited by: Webmaster on Thu 23 Apr 20 at 12:40
 Terrible jokes thread - R.P.
:-0....What is this "pub" you speak of...:-)
Last edited by: Webmaster on Thu 23 Apr 20 at 12:40
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
If the CV19 lockdown is making you sad, just remember that Bill Clinton is locked down with Hillary!
 Terrible jokes thread - legacylad
What’s got 48 legs and 9 teeth ?

The queue outside Aldi
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
Dave, a pom, is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?" "Gee, that's the memory man" replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?" "Liverpool" came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking "Who did they beat?" "Leeds" replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking "What was the final score?" The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering "2-1".

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says "Ian St John".

Dave is stunned and returns home, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How" Dave says. The memory man squints at him and replies "A diving header in the six-yard box".
 Terrible jokes thread - Zero
 Terrible jokes thread - Kevin
A year later Dave is in Nevada again and wanders into the same bar.

"Hey Dave, nice to see you old buddy. You in town for long?" said the barman. "No Hank, just a week, I arrived yesterday." replied Dave.
After a few beers Dave says to Hank "Say, what does a guy do for entertainment around these parts, for female company like."

The barman serves another customer then comes back to Dave. "Well, you go down the MH, that's the Main Highway. You get to the IR, that's the Indian Reservation, you find yourself a IS, that's an Indian Squaw, you go in the WW, that's the Wigwam and you have a GF, that's a - well you get the picture." Dave thanks him, settles his bill and leaves the bar.

The following night Hank is behind the bar again when the door opens and a guy hobbles in. His right leg and left arm are in plaster and he's supporting himself with a crutch. He's wearing a neck brace and a bandage covers the top of his head. He struggles to the bar and sits down.

"Jesus! Is that you Dave? Were you in a car wreck or something?" "No mate, I did exactly as you said. I went down the MH, that's the Main Highway, I got to the IR, thats the Indian Reservation, I got myself a real pretty IS, that's Indian Squaw, we went into the WW and just about to have a GF when in walks an FBI." "You mean the Federal Bureau of Investigation?" "No, a Flipping Big Indian!"
 Terrible jokes thread - zippy
Indian squaw, looking at puny naked white man says "How!".
 Terrible jokes thread - bathtub tom
A US clergyman has died after injecting himself with disinfectant.
Trump's been accused of

Bleach of the priest.
 Terrible jokes thread - tyrednemotional
A man in Saudi Arabia has recently been caught stealing hand sanitiser........ Ironically, he won't need it now.....
 Terrible jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Donald Trump has traced the source of Covid 19. The FBI have arrested Batman.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
Wife comes home from shopping to find her husband stalking around the living room with a fly-swatter,

Amused she enquires "got any?"

"yep 5" he replies, "three males and two females"!

"how can you tell the difference?" she asks,

"Easy! three were on the beer can, and two were on the 'phone!
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
This is not funny. Please do not laugh at the misfortune of others.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero
A man dies and his wife is arranging the funeral. She gets a visit from the funeral director and is going through the details. She explains that she they have no children and that her husband had been a successful businessman.
“Please arrange for a premium service and budget is not a priority. I want to give my husband the best send-off that you can organise” said the widow.

Two days later she received a call from the funeral home to say that her husband was ready for viewing. The widow arrived at the funeral home and was taken into the place of rest. She spent some time with her husband and upon leaving the room was met by the funeral director.

“Is everything to your satisfaction?” asked the director.

“Thank you, yes” said the widow. “You have done a beautiful job, and my husband looks to be comfortably asleep. I will treasure this moment forever”

“That is always our aim said the funeral director. Your happiness is our priority” said the director.

“However,” said the widow, “there is one small point that I would like to change. It is my mistake and not yours so I will accept the additional costs. My husband wore a dark blue suit throughout his whole working life, and you have put him in a grey suit. I would like you to change that”.

“Of course, we will do that immediately” replied to the director.

The next day the widow returned for the final viewing. Upon leaving the room she told the director, “That is how I will remember my dear husband until the day we are reunited. I cannot thank you enough”

A few weeks after the funeral the widow received the invoice from the Funeral home. She read the invoice and called the funeral home. “I have received you bill and there is an error on it. You will remember that I asked you to change my husbands’ suit. It was my fault and I am willing to pay for both suits” said the widow.

“Please don’t worry yourself about this matter” said the Director. The bill is correct. We incurred no additional costs and therefor your invoice is correct”

“That is very kind of you, but how that that be?” asked the widow. “you used two suits and so I should really be charged for both”

“The bill is correct” said the director. “We had a bit of luck, the gentleman in the next room was dressed in a dark blue suit, and his family didn’t care what he was buried in. So, all we did was swapped heads”.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Me "As I get older, all I need in life is a Specsavers, a Boots and a Greggs".

Mrs Z "Yep, life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls!"
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite

Lucky bu**er!!!
 Terrible jokes thread. - CGNorwich
What borders on the stupid?

Canada and Mexico.
 Terrible jokes thread. - No FM2R
Awww, did you delete my joke which contained absolutely no rude words whatsoever?
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
Went to the toga shop on the way to the forum.

Asked for XXXL, the store owner said “why do you want that many!”

I’ll get my toga!
 Terrible jokes thread. - bathtub tom
At the moment l am self isolating so they sent someone round to do my shopping for me, l had to spend some time training them on how l shop and they said that they hadn’t ever shop lifted before.
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
I cleaned the TV screen today with an anti-viral wipe, I seem to have lost the BBC channel!
 Terrible jokes thread. - God
Um gonna try it on me wireless.
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
It's been a really odd day.

First, I found a hat full of money.

Then I was chased by an angry bloke with a guitar!
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
At a small garden party yesterday...

5 year old: do dragons fart fire?

22 year old cousin : I don’t know, but they do breath fire!

5 year old: Audible huff ! I thought you went to university!
 Terrible jokes thread. - devonite
My mate suggested yesterday that if the Gov had given everyone over 18 £1m, they would have only spent £60billion instead of the est £500bn they have upto now! - they could have killed many birds with one stone like stop the welfare sys, therefore virtually ending commercial immigration, saving £bn's, there would be no poverty related problems etc and the economy would have bounced with the new found wealth. The Gov would probably recouped it all in the first 12 months after lockdown! ;-)

Made me chuckle, and i can see the positives! - if he were in politics I'd be tempted to vote for him! ;-)
 Terrible jokes thread. - zippy
>> My mate suggested yesterday that if the Gov had given everyone over 18 £1m, they
>> would have only spent £60billion instead of the est £500bn they have upto now! -

Your friend is using the million, millions representation of a billion - e.g. £1,000,000,000,000 and £60 billion would be £60e13.

The Govt's £500bn is £500,000,000,000 or £5e11 and is 120th of your friend's £60bn. Split between 60 million people it would be just over £8k each.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Zero

>> Made me chuckle, and i can see the positives! - if he were in politics
>> I'd be tempted to vote for him! ;-)

Good job he aint, had he done that, inflation would have sky rocketed, your million would be worthless in a year.

Good job his maths his sheit.
 Terrible jokes thread. - Robin O'Reliant

Ancient slang for the village idiot who couldn't hunt, fish or ride.
 Terrible jokes thread. - neiltoo
Shops in Wales have been given the go ahead to open next week.

In preparation for this, shopkeepers have been brushing up on their selective inability to speak English.
 Terrible jokes thread. - God
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring.

He's decided to stick it out for another year.

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