Non-motoring > The terrible old jokes thread Miscellaneous
Thread Author: Crankcase Replies: 625

 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
How can we have got this far without a dreadful jokes thread? Hurrah, it doesn't have to be motoring.


I used to think size didn't matter until all my wallpaper fell off.


(11547)

Last edited by: Webmaster on Thu 13 Feb 14 at 08:58
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Sorry to be a killjoy, but this is one route that we don't want to go down. Now before there are cries of excess moderation (again), this area of the forum was really set up for questions of a non-motoring nature.

Already we've had jokes posted of an adult (and some would call tasteless) nature. Don't get me wrong, I am no prude, anyone whose received txt messages from me will vouch for that, but please try and remember that all walks of life read this forum who may not find that sort of content acceptable, not to mention people who do so via their place of employment who may well have strict policies in place of what content you can and can't look at.

Discussing this with the other mods, we're all in agreement with this. However we'll allow motoring jokes to be posted (after all said and done, this is primarily a motoring website). Please remember though to keep those jokes to a non offensive nature. If your mother doesn't want to hear it, or it would make her blush or get you a clip around the ear if she did hear it, then it's generally not acceptable to post it. It goes without saying that anything considered inappropriate will be removed without notification.

Lastly, if you've got any thoughts on creating threads such as this one, then please consider running it past the mods first (moderators@car4play.com) before going ahead with it. You never know, we might actually say yes.

Thanks, Vx.
Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 4 Apr 10 at 17:48
 The terrible old jokes thread - MD
>>not to mention people who do so via their place of employment who may well have strict policies in place of what content you can and can't look at.

I have only just chanced upon this, but what the ???? are people at work (for others) doing 'surfing' in (others) time? Please explain. I would sack the lot of them, end of.

MD
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> I have only just chanced upon this but what the ???? are people at work
>> (for others) doing 'surfing' in (others) time?

I can't speak for other employers, but mine allows me to use the internet (for non work) at break times.
Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 4 Apr 10 at 19:37
 The terrible old jokes thread - Iffy
...but mine allows me to use the internet (for non work) at break times...

So does mine, but there's also mention of 'after work', so I get the impression they would rather you got the day job done first.

 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
"Break times" What's one of them then ? I want one of those jobs. In fact I want one where you spend fewer than 80 hours a week working. I want one where customers don't ring you on Easter flippin' Sunday when you're in a forest on a bike with your family. I want one where you don't get back after 12 hours out in the car to find 50 "urgent" emails waiting for you...... Actually I want to retire.......

:-)
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
>> Actually I want to retire.......

I have - Its great, no internet restriction at Palace Zero.

Tho to be fair, I had unrestricted (no blocking of any kind) internet at work. (when i used to go there)
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
>> >> Actually I want to retire.......

Careful what you wish for, look what happened to PU when he retired. ;>)

All the best to them, but I expect he's far too busy to be reading this.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Meldrew
My last job was 21 hours a week on a part-time contract. I am still doing 21 hours + in the voluntary sector and it suits me fine and I can manage without the hassle, commuting and the money!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
>>Sorry to be a killjoy

Then why be one?

>>It goes without saying that anything considered inappropriate will be removed without notification.

Isn't that the only rule required then?

>>Lastly, if you've got any thoughts on creating threads such as this one, then please consider running it past the mods first (moderators@car4play.com) before going ahead with it. You never know, we might actually say yes.

As you have just said "no" to a thread such as this one, that makes no sense at all.

Do you seriously think you are dealing with people who are going to put their hands up when they want to speak?

I really thought we'd left that behind. Plus ca change.

 The terrible old jokes thread - Pat
>>>>>>Lastly, if you've got any thoughts on creating threads such as this one, then please consider running it past the mods first (moderators@car4play.com) before going ahead with it.<<<<

Well, I've just made a suggestion about another thread being locked in a post I made, before reading this one.
Maybe I should have emailed the mods?

No to hell with it, why should I?

A suggestion for a thread is just that and the only way to test the water is get other people's opinions on it surely?

The mods, with all due respect, can never represent a true cross section of the contributors, and are there to oversee nothing offensive gets out of hand. I appreciate it is done voluntarily, and they do an excellent job, but even so this is very akin to the gatehouse security guard syndrome.

Don't let's go down that road please.

Pat
 New book - God
A man goes into a book shop and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
 New book - helicopter
The oldies are the best Dog......

I remember that book ,written by some fellow called Justin........
 New book - God
:)
 New book - Crankcase
I'm intrigued.

I started this thread some years ago. As you can see in the second post I got a minor slap, and the mods decision was that we didn't want the thread at all, but if we did, it would have to be motoring, and in any case, a joke that would make your mother blush would be over the line.

Dog's joke (sorry Dog) would certainly make my mother blush, and isn't motoring.

I'll answer my own query for the mods."Yes. We say a lot of things. Get over it".


:)



 New book - R.P.
I moved Dog's post in here - personally doesn't offend me. Didn't make the original decision !
 New book - Bromptonaut
>> I'm intrigued.
>>
>> I started this thread some years ago. As you can see in the second post
>> I got a minor slap, and the mods decision was that we didn't want the
>> thread at all, but if we did, it would have to be motoring, and in
>> any case, a joke that would make your mother blush would be over the line.
>>
>> Dog's joke (sorry Dog) would certainly make my mother blush, and isn't motoring.

I think the Mods were a bit jumpy then - site was new and the HJ 'now back to motoring' was amost still the Zeitgeist.

Three years on and we're a community of mates and more comfortable with stuff like this.
 New book - legacylad
Having worked in a retail environment for many years, it really annoys me when some unknown, and unrecognised oik, calls me 'mate'.
I prefer to choose my 'mates' by the simple process of thinking whether I would share a beer with them at the bar. Until then, I'm nobody's mate. No offence intended. Much.
 New book - R.P.
I am acquainted with an ex-ACPO Police Officer from Notts Police - he now runs a genteel little cafe - I was sharing a brew there one day when this dreadful oik came in and kept referring to him as "mate", knowing him like I do I doubt that that is possibly the first time that ever happened to him
 New book - Zero
>> Having worked in a retail environment for many years, it really annoys me when some
>> unknown, and unrecognised oik, calls me 'mate'.
>> I prefer to choose my 'mates' by the simple process of thinking whether I would
>> share a beer with them at the bar. Until then, I'm nobody's mate. No offence
>> intended. Much.

Message understood mush.
 New book - God
>>I prefer to choose my 'mates' by the simple process of thinking whether I would share a beer with them at the bar. Until then, I'm nobody's mate

Message received and understood ... mate.
 New book - ....
Ouch ! I was siding with Bromptonaut about having a laugh and a bit of banter and there we go.

I know I have poke at gb about his hatred of EGS gearboxes but I still very much respect his (antiquated ;-) ) views.

Live and learn eh !
 New book - -
>> I know I have poke at gb

the terrible old jokes (antiquated division) thread??

first class insult that, titfer doffed..:-


 ££££s - henry k
Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.

 Shipwreck... - swiss tony
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman;

2 French men and 1 French woman;

2 German men and 1 German woman;

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman;

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman;

2 English men and 1 English woman.

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Meanwhile, the two English men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
 Shipwreck... - Robin O'Reliant
We got a sausage dog last week. We had to take it back because the sausages were revolting.
 Shipwreck... - Runfer D'Hills
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
 The terrible old jokes thread - L'escargot
A customer went into a chemist and asked for deodorant.
The assistant asked "Ball or aerosol?"
The customer replied "Neither, it's for under my arms."
Last edited by: L'escargot on Tue 3 Sep 13 at 13:26
 The terrible old jokes thread - MD
>> A customer went into a chemist and asked for deodorant.
>> The assistant asked "Ball or aerosol?"
>> The customer replied "Neither, it's for under my arms."

Mel Smith and Rowan Atkinson sketch. very funny.
>>
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
One morning 3 Lancashire Lads and 3 Cockneys were in a ticket queue at Manchester Piccadilly train station heading to Euston for a Wembley cup final.

The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Lancastrians bought just one ticket between them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys. "Tha must watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.

When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to Euston, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Lancashire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys. "Tha must watch and learn", answered one of the Lancastrians.

When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Lancashire lads crammed themselves into another toilet.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Lancastrians left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".



There's just no way on God's green earth to explain why Cockneys are so cockey!




 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?

A. A laughing stock.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - henry k
WHY SENIORS NEED NEWSPAPERS


I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper....

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That xxxxx fly never knew what hit him.



 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
We live in a country called Daftland
The England we knew is no more
Where sensible people do ludicrous things
Or risk breaking some Daftland law.

In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles
Less the villain has cause to complain
And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'
Means your free with no stain to your name.

You had better leave lights on in buildings
When you lock up and go home at night
'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
And there's no way you'll be in the right.

When speaking be wary in Daftland
As some terms that you've used all your life
Now have connotations unintended
And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.

We elect politicians in Daftland
To give us the laws of the land
Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
The whole thing has got out of hand.

The borders are open in Daftland
And of migrants there's no keeping track
Just a few of the thousands illegally here
Will ever be caught and sent back.

The exception to this is the hero
Who fought for this land in the war
He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit
So he's not welcome here any more.

When the history is written of Daftland
Historians may just recall
That the craziest people in Daftland
Were the public who put up with it all.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Manatee
I was just thinking that 'Dog-gerel' was far too cycnical and pessimistic, then somebody gave me pause by finding it offensive :)
Last edited by: Manatee on Sun 26 Jan 14 at 14:38
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
Pause = Paws.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - CGNorwich
How do I know this? Without fail,
I always read the Daily Mail.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - MD
What twerp gave Fido a growly face. Get a life..
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> What twerp gave Fido a growly face. Get a life..

This is a jokes thread. That was an unfunny parade of Mail (or Express) prejudices. About as funny as piles.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> What twerp gave Fido a growly face. Get a life..
>>
>> This is a jokes thread. That was an unfunny parade of Mail (or Express) prejudices.
>> About as funny as piles.
>>

For heaven's sake...it's called humour. You don't have to like it..but if others do, so what?

Would you rather live in a po faced, humourless society where no one dare laugh at much in case it offends the easily offended?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
:o)
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut

>> For heaven's sake...it's called humour. You don't have to like it..but if others do, so
>> what?
>>
>> Would you rather live in a po faced, humourless society where no one dare laugh
>> at much in case it offends the easily offended?

I'm using it like everyone seems to as 'thumbs down' rather than offended. Written with more irony it might have been funny but as it was........
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
Why did Everton cross the road ??


For nothing....
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted
Shamelessly stolen from Littlejohn in the Mail this week.....

Supermarket queue with size 28 lady putting her shopping through with 2 men waiting their turns behind.

Suddenly, the lady's mobile started bleeping......bleep !........bleep !........bleep !

The second man taps the first one on the shoulder and says..............


" Look out mate, she's reversing ! "

HO
Last edited by: Horace Ontaltwin on Sat 1 Feb 14 at 21:55
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
An old married couple go to the doctor, because he has to have some tests. Trouble is he can't hear very well.

Doctor says "Well Mr Coussine, I need to have a urine sample"

Old man says " Eh"

Wife shouts loudly "The doctor needs a urine sample".

Doctor then says " I also need a stool sample"

Old man says "Eh"

Wife shouts even louder "The doctor also needs a stool sample"

Doctor says "..and lastly I'll need a semen sample"

Wife shouts at her loudest " Oh for heaven's sake, just give the doctor your underpants"

 The terrible olde jokes thread - legacylad
Chap goes to his docs and tells doc that with increasing age he is having problems with incontinence. Doc gives him phone number of local hospital incontinence dept, and tells him to contact them and make an appointment.
He rings the dept, asks to make an appointment, and the receptionist asks where he is ringing from.
Old chap says
''the waist down''
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

William Shakespeare walks into a pub..........................The landlord shouts " Get out, you're bard "

HO
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightie,gown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with y**dishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 The terrible olde jokes thread - helicopter
After going to see 12 Years A Slave at my local cinema, I now understand how it feels to be exploited and robbed of your dignity by ruthless, mercenary overseers.

......... £4.20 for a Pepsi Max.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Haywain
"......... £4.20 for a Pepsi Max."

WHAT!!!???

Still, I suppose I wouldn't have noticed the price because Mrs H always puts a bottle of water in her handbag.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - zippy
What is a wombat good for?


















Playing wom!

From a 5 year old at a family do recently.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
:o}
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

I larfed 'til the tears ran down me legs !......It's me age !

HO
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
>>
>> I larfed 'til the tears ran down me legs !......It's me age !
>>
>> HO
>>

At your age and laughing, are you absolutely sure it was tears running down your legs?

tinyurl.com/pekkbsm
Last edited by: sherlock47 on Tue 4 Feb 14 at 16:00
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> are you absolutely sure it was tears running down your legs?


'You can squeeeeeeeeze my lemon
Till the juice run down my leg...'

(Robert Johnson, blues man)
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

Ah...so that's wot it was , Shylock !

HO
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow turned up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair stopped him, saying, "No thanks, Cherie will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
 The terrible olde jokes thread - bathtub tom
That's a little near the knuckle for me.

My legal guardian said something similar about my after shave smelling like a French brothel.

I replied "I never knew you'd been abroad".

Consequent physical violence resulted in me finding alternative accommodation.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

I was watching a documentary on how they used to put ships together.
.
.
.
.
.
It was riveting !

HO,ho ,ho.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.
Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to save us?"

"No," They replied "We're collecting donations for Syria.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
The red face is from me. Not that I would give money to the Red Cross for 'donations to Syria', if it was really collecting for that. But I might easily give the Red Cross a quid for itself.

Tsk. Really Rob.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Argh, sorry, a po-faced moment. I was wrong.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
Yes, you were Lud:)

Now all we need is a UNDO scowly faced button!

For what it's worth I thought Dog's recent contribution was very good and much after my own heart.

...if you're going to get wrong then might just as well be for the full shilling!

Pat
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Perhaps I wasn't wrong after all, since feminist trade union troublemakers think I was...

Heh heh.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
;)

...you will be wrong if you ever call me a feminist again!

Pat
Last edited by: Pat on Thu 13 Feb 14 at 18:03
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
I don't care - I thought it was funny. The Red Cross are great.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Haywain
""We're collecting donations for Syria."

In a similar vein, my dad (88yo) told me earnestly in his best Leicestershire accent -

"Ar, sori, I ed an ''elp the Aged' envelope through the door the other day, an' when I oppened it, thi wa note in it"
 The terrible olde jokes thread - smokie
Dog - nuked
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
It seems I am not the only persson here who goes po-faced sometimes. That's a relief.

I'm glad I caught Perro's jokes before they were nuked. They were disgraceful of course, but some of them were quite funny.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
A little bit too far for me, Dog.

Pat
 The terrible olde jokes thread - smokie
I did smile but I thought they strayed a little too far in places and could have easily caused offence. Sorry Doggo!!
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
Couldn't you have sort of hidden it in and put a marker on it warning it was potentially offensive and not to venture any further if easily offended...

...so that the serially nosey like me could see it.

What bit did he 'offend' then...race, sex, sexual orientation, religion?...or did he go for a Grand Slam?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
What bit did he 'offend' then...race, sex, sexual orientation, religion?...or did he go for a Grand Slam?


probably better described as 'a full house' :)

Whilst I was not offended, I think it was fair to describe much of it as offensive. It still made me smile tho'.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> Whilst I was not offended, I think it was fair to describe much of it
>> as offensive. It still made me smile tho'.
>>

See that's the strange thing.

If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone else might find it offensive is or should be up to them.

There are a lot of things said within humour that have no relevance outside of that humour.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sooty123

>> See that's the strange thing.
>>
>> If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone else
>> might find it offensive is or should be up to them.

I was a bit of both, I wasn't offended by any of it, but neither was it funny either.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone else
>> might find it offensive is or should be up to them.

I don't think funny and offensive are mutually exclusive.

There are plenty of jokes, racist, sexist, those that do the rounds after a natural disaster, which might raise a titter. They're still offensive though.

Dog's joke seemed fairly tame to me. One of our teachers around 3rd year of Grammer school marched into a stuffy classroom and threw windows open complaining that 'it smells like a Turkish brothel in here'.

The class wag, with admirable speed, asked 'how do you know what a Turkish brothel smells like Sir?'

collapse of entire class (or at least those who knew what a brothel was).
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone
>> else
>> >> might find it offensive is or should be up to them.
>>
>> I don't think funny and offensive are mutually exclusive.
>>
>> There are plenty of jokes, racist, sexist, those that do the rounds after a natural
>> disaster, which might raise a titter. They're still offensive though.


Yes, I take the point...but what I meant was, if the recipient finds it funny, then they themselves are not offended by it, are they?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> Yes, I take the point...but what I meant was, if the recipient finds it funny,
>> then they themselves are not offended by it, are they?

Personally I can find a joke to be funny but still offensive. Both concepts are matters of degree.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> Yes, I take the point...but what I meant was, if the recipient finds it
>> funny,
>> >> then they themselves are not offended by it, are they?
>>
>> Personally I can find a joke to be funny but still offensive. Both concepts are
>> matters of degree.
>>

Yes, yes, it can be offensive, but you yourself are not offended.

You can have:

- non offensive and no one offended
- offensive and no one offended
- offensive and someone offended

and presumably

- non offensive and someone offended

If a recipient has no real problem with it..why would it need to be censured just because someone else might be?*....let the other person deal with it.

Half the time the people some folk think will be offended are not.

* unless it were so glaringly obviously over the top..e.g. Frankie Boyle on occasions
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sooty123

>> You can have:
>>
>> - non offensive and no one offended
>> - offensive and no one offended
>> - offensive and someone offended
>>
>> and presumably
>>
>> - non offensive and someone offended

Is that from the Donald Rumsfeld school of explanation? ;)

>>
>> * unless it were so glaringly obviously over the top..e.g. Frankie Boyle on occasions
>>
Oh I don't know, he's one of the very few that has me full on belly laughing.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> Is that from the Donald Rumsfeld school of explanation? ;)

Yes...and it's not the first time.

 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
none of the "esses" and every shade of the "rrrrrr"s
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
>>A little bit too far for me, Dog.

No worries Pat.

>>I did smile but I thought they strayed a little too far in places and could have easily caused offence. Sorry Doggo!!

No need to apologise smokie, I did say nuke it if need be ;)

Funny ole country we live in today though, they were jokes so I posted it in the joke thread, but of course some peeps would be offended by them, just like some Paddy's / Jocks / Taffy's / Essex girls/Blondes / Southerners / Northerners / fat people / thin people / tall people ' shorties etc. are offended by jokes aimed at them.

Bring back Love Thy Neighbour!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_gN7zlpnz8 (DO NOT VIEW IF EASILY OFFENDED)

 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
Hard to explain, I found it very funny but felt for some others on here who may not have done because of the content.

That's why it was only 'a little bit' too far!

Email it to WP Dog, he'll love it:)

Pat
Last edited by: Pat on Tue 18 Feb 14 at 04:58
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
>>Email it to WP Dog, he'll love it:)

Erm, I haven't got his email address :)
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >>Email it to WP Dog, he'll love it:)
>>
>> Erm, I haven't got his email address :)
>>

Would a friendly Mod kindly oblige..thank you
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Focusless
I woke up before 5am yesterday morning and couldn't get back to sleep. But I think I was less tired than most of those jokes :)
 The terrible olde jokes thread - VxFan
>> Would a friendly Mod kindly oblige..thank you

Done
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.
People are too easily offended these days.
We seem to have a new category of people - the "professionally offended at almost anything class".
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
>>People are too easily offended these days.
We seem to have a new category of people - the "professionally offended at almost anything class".

I'm with ^^this^^ geezer [it must be my age] ;)
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> Would a friendly Mod kindly oblige..thank you
>>
>> Done
>>

Thank you
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Of course a joke can be both funny and offensive.

Anyone remember the viral VW ad 'Small but tough', with the suicide bomber pressing the button and the explosion being contained within the VW Polo?

Jolly good joke, but pretty offensive.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmuJVaIitMw

not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?

What's the difference?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
>> >> not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?
>>
>> What's the difference?
>>
>>

OK, consider me educated! I had never regarded them as synonyms, but a bit of browsing shows that everybody else does :)

I still think that a joke told in a group enviroment, ( for example in a family situation, where values are different for an older generation), could be offensive to others, but not to me, so I would describe it as being in bad taste.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmuJVaIitMw
>>
>> not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?

Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.


This is bad taste.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLIkjWFNAKI

No particular group or race has been offended, but anyone can be horrified by the sheer gruesomeness of it if they want.


Both sets are hilarious. Offensive and Bad taste can be funny.

Dogs jokes were just boring old tat that Bernard Manning spouted regularly.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
There's no difference between offensiveness and bad taste. You offend Muslims or bunny-huggers or people of delicate sensibility.

I often avoided Bernard Manning, so one or two of Perro's racist jokes made me snigger.

I wonder what Pat will think of the second SportKa joke.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Tue 18 Feb 14 at 23:20
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
I wondered where that advert had gone. I don't have any problem with it, it's not real, is it?

Pat
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> I don't have any problem with it, it's not real, is it?

If I ever saw a blurry film of a real ginger tom, that's one...

:o}
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.

>> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.

Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!
 The terrible olde jokes thread - legacylad
Am I the only one here who occasionally looks at 'Sickepedia' for the latest crude jokes.
The odd one's I find both clever and hilarious. The majority don't raise a smile.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - VxFan
>> Am I the only one here who occasionally looks at 'Sickepedia'

No you're not. I take a look most days.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>>
>> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>>
>> Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!

why?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.
>> >>
>> >> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>> >>
>> >> Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!
>>
>> why?

So their ridiculous primitive superstitions can be exposed for the delusions which they are.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> >> >>
>> >> >> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>> >> >>
>> >> >> Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!
>> >>
>> >> why?
>>
>> So their ridiculous primitive superstitions can be exposed for the delusions which they are.


You can disagree, you can criticise strongly but you don't have the right to offend them. Your view is just another delusion in effect. Gives the right of the religious to offend you in whatever manner they choose as you would to them.


 The terrible olde jokes thread - Crankcase

>> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.


This is the old tree, forest, sound, nobody there thing.

Is it offensive because it could offend, as you say, or, as the other side say, is it offensive only if somebody takes offence? And further, they might say, if you yourself don't take offense, then you can't declare it to be so?

I suspect the whole thing is further muddied because the common view of the word and its meanings are now confused with the legal word and its meanings; those two sets might overlap but inevitably won't be a perfect match.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>>
>> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>>
>>
>> This is the old tree, forest, sound, nobody there thing.

No its not. I know, you know and everyone else knows that if you make jokes about allah a large proportion of the muslim world are going to be offended. Even you can hear that tree crashing down surely?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Crankcase
Sure - but it's only offensive if they say it is. In effect, YOU can't find it offensive or declare it to be so unless YOU are offended.

Although I don't know why I'm posting that, because I happen to agree with you, which is partly why I also whinged about Dog's (very poor) jokes but anyway, that's my understanding of the "opposing" view.

Perhaps a proponent of that view might actually take up the cudgels, if I have it right, but now I must do some work.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> Sure - but it's only offensive if they say it is. In effect, YOU can't
>> find it offensive or declare it to be so unless YOU are offended.

People are only offensive because they know the other person will be offended. NO point in being offensive otherwise. One does not need to be told on meeting someone "will be offended by x"

Therefore I can say xxxx is offensive* because I know it will offend yyyyy. Thats nothing to do with being "offended on someone else's behalf" or being "one of the professionally offended" ( a phrase only uttered but the racist biggots to excuse their behaviour)


*I will concede however that some people have no idea on earth where that line stops and expand it well beyond scope. Most normal people however know.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ambo
In their differing ways Bernard Manning and Liberace were so horrible I couldn't help liking them.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Manning was a bit of a mixed blessing. Liberace was a damn good piano player, in several styles or at least a couple. He laid on the queer stuff with a trowel to make people laugh.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - devonite
The funniest thing about Dog's jokes are the reactions they have sparked!

I took them in the vein they were intended, a bit of light-hearted humour, if you want to offend anybody and everyone try the jokes that are Adebolajo and Adebowale.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Who cares if someone is offended or not? As long as what you write or say is not illegal then you have every right to say it, those of us who do take umbradge should just man up a bit and move on.

Free speech is worthless if you have to worry about someone taking offence every time you exercise it.
Last edited by: Robin O'Reliant on Wed 19 Feb 14 at 14:36
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
Perhaps there could be a Dog's jokes thread, where you would be assured that the jokes would likely be racist, sexist, homo-phobic, or just common (or garden) anti-Zionist, where those of a nervous disposition, or have led a sheltered life would be forewarned to avoid, maybe.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - CGNorwich
Or alternatively you could just comply with the House Rules?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
More fun pushing them to the limit though, isn't it Perro:)

Pat
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
If you have ever observed primary school children while waiting for your offspring at a school gate or whatever you have surely been amused by their propensity to spend more time arguing about what the rules of a given game should be rather than playing the actual game.

One might reasonably imagine or suppose that adults have usually grown out of that. This thread would apparently seem to disprove that theory however...

;-)
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
I am happily reading a 'Brief History of Swearing' whose main title even wouldn't get past the mods on a bad day. I long to quote from it but can't really.

Zounds! 'Sblood! The bad words come and go. These days racist epithets are among the most offensive... and are nevertheless embraced sometimes by their ostensible targets and worn as a badge of pride, the Y word and N word among others.

I am hoping the author, a sprauncy American lady, will get round to the very bizarre Jamaican canon of menstruation oaths (one of which I have made my password to this site).

Tee hee...
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> I am hoping the author, a sprauncy American lady, will get round to the very bizarre Jamaican canon of menstruation oaths (one of which I have made my password to this site).

She never did though. I'll have to do it myself. Used to be fluent in that dialect which isn't very demanding to tell the truth.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Sun 2 Aug 15 at 18:09
 The terrible olde jokes thread - God
>>More fun pushing them to the limit though, isn't it Perro:)

To be purrfectly honest Pat, this forum reminds me, in many ways, of school, and I see the mods as prefects,

I never did like school, and I didn't much like prefects either.

 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
I say you chaps! Doggo and Patsy-Poo are having a heart-to-heart behind the bike sheds!

Let's climb on the roof and see what they're saying, and then if it's soppy we can pee down on them...

Cave! the Beak's come back from his session with the matron, and he doesn't look at all happy...

Ow! What was that for sir?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> I say you chaps! Doggo and Patsy-Poo are having a heart-to-heart behind the bike sheds!
>>
>>
>> Let's climb on the roof and see what they're saying, and then if it's soppy
>> we can pee down on them...

Not sure what school you went to AC..but if it was mine, they wouldn't be talking....
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> if it was mine, they wouldn't be talking....

It was like that in one or two of the ones I went to that had girls. Nevertheless adventurous souls of both genders managed forms of social communication. I thought 'behind the bike sheds' would indicate that it wasn't really socially sanctioned... times have changed though.
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> Or alternatively you could just comply with the House Rules?

'Rules were made for the guidance of wise men and the blind obedience of fools'..Sir Douglas Bader
Last edited by: Westpig on Wed 19 Feb 14 at 19:51
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> >> Or alternatively you could just comply with the House Rules?
>>
>> 'Rules were made for the guidance of wise men and the blind obedience of fools'..Sir
>> Douglas Bader

The fool that lost his legs because he disobeyed the rules you mean?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
No one here seems to have a clue what school was like (I say 'was' because proper schools don't seem to exist any more). It's all very well Perro saying he didn't like it, but I don't suppose he turned up more than one day in three, and probably left early too. I do agree with him about the prefect archetype. Fascist carphounds most of them if not quite all.

I doubt if anyone can beat my score of eight. Two of those were very good indeed, two were more or less useless, and the (two) posh ones were somewhere in the middle but good for one's demeanour in a way.

But I'm not properly educated. For that you need three good schools and a serious attitude. So you don't look a prat, as I did, when by some fluke, with a bit of nudging from connected pedagogues, you get into a decent university.

Even the useless schools were valuable life experience though. Now that the die is cast and I'll never be rich or successful I value those memories.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Wed 19 Feb 14 at 20:08
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
I went to 13 different schools between starting at 5 and taking my 11 plus...and still passed it!

My Mother had itchy feet and we lived in more tied cottages than you could shake a stick at.

We didn't even get unpacked at one of them.

Pat
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> I went to 13 different schools between starting at 5 and taking my 11 plus...and
>> still passed it!
>>
>> My Mother had itchy feet and we lived in more tied cottages than you could
>> shake a stick at.
>>
>> We didn't even get unpacked at one of them.
>>

Blimey...that well trumps my 7...one place we lasted 2 weeks.

 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> 13 different schools between starting at 5 and taking my 11 plus...and
>> still passed it!

Wow! Any more after that or did yr mother settle down?
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
She installed me in an upper school in Peterborough but still moved around the outskirts.

It was too expensive to change my uniform from blue to brown for County Girls School which was just up the road. at that time!

At one stage I cycled 5+ miles to school each day.

It actually did me no harm at all:)

Pat
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Two wives go on a girls night out. On the way home much the worse for wear they're both busting for a P but there are no toilets open so they hop over the wall of a cemetery and squat behind a couple of gravestones.

Next morning one of the husbands phones the other and says, "That's the last time my wife goes out with yours, she came home with no knickers on". The other one says, "You think you've got problems mate, mine came in with a card stuck to her wotsit saying 'From all the lads at the firestation, we'll never forget you"
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Haywain
"Two wives………………"

Thanks for that, RoR, I've been sniggering about it all day.
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
WALLET SCAMS WARNING AT ASDA!!

Whilst packing your shopping away you may be approached by 2 gorgeous 18 year old eastern European girls, in tight tops and short skirts, they clean your windscreen while pressing their tits against it, they ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment, on the way there they perform oral sex on each other then one climbs in the front and gives you a blow job while the other steals your wallet, I had mine stolen on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and twice on Sunday and again today,

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED BE CAREFUL!!
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
Oh, Poundland sell wallets for 99p each.
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
Well thats ruined the dramatic impact of that gag then by moving it here


 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - VxFan
Well it was an old joke and also verging on the terrible.
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - MJM
>>Well it was an old joke and also verging on the terrible.<<

Shouldn't that be virgin on the terrible?
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Lygonos
No point looking for anything funny on this thread.

The joke is in Zero's pants.
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Kevin
Made in Thailand XXXL?
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
don't give up the day jobs guys.
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Kevin
Made in Thailand XXXS?
 Came home from school yesterday... - No FM2R
What do you call a Zoo with only one dog?

A shitzu.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Thu 13 Mar 14 at 17:38
 Came home from school yesterday... - Roger.
Brill!
 Threesome - Westpig
I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night. ...

She looked OK for her age. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?”
 Threesome - God
Well, well, well, and there's me thinking it was St Ives where all the, um, 'action' takes place.

:}
 Threesome - Robin O'Reliant
Bill has a row with his wife about her housekeeping and storms off down the pub with her shouting after him, "And you can sleep in the spare room tonight"

After a few pints he feels a bit guilty because maybe he's being mean to her after all and he makes up his mind to give her an increase. He gets home and the house is in darkness, so he creeps upstairs and as he passes the spare room the door is ajar and he can hear her gently snoozing. With a grin on his face he decides to give her a little treat, so he quietly goes in and sees a soft female form lying face down under the duvet. Down on his knees he gets and starts licking the back of her thigh, working slowly and gently up till he's pleasuring her with his tongue. He hears her giggle then start to purr and moan, before eventually giving an excited gasp and a shudder before sighing and laying still. Giving her a playful slap on the bottom he gets up and says,

"Wait till I get back, if you think that was nice I'm going to give you a seeing to like you've never had before"

With that he leaves the spare room and heads into the bathroom. As he goes in he's astonished to see his wife lying in the bath with a glass of wine and a book and exclaims loudly,

"What the hell...."

She glares at him,

"Shut up you fool, you'll wake your mother. She's come to pay us a visit and she's asleep in the spare room."
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 19 May 14 at 01:33
 Dead Duck - Manatee
A woman took her pet duck to the vet's. The vet examined the duck and pronounced it dead.

The lady was clearly distressed and asked for a second opinion. The vet was very understanding, and briefly left the room before returning with a Labrador retriever.

The dog sniffed the duck, licked it and gave it a prod with his paw. Then he looked at the vet and shook his head.

The poor woman would still not accept that her cherished pet was dead.

The vet disappeared again and came back with a tabby cat. The cat pawed the duck a few times, cocked an ear at it, then meowed and shook her head at the vet.

The vet said he was sorry but there was absolutely no doubt that the duck was dead, extinct, deceased, no more, and presented his bill for £150.

The owner was aghast - "£150 to me my duck is dead! That can't be right!"

"Well", said the vet "had you taken my word for it, it would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan..."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife; "Notice anything different about me Margie?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope''.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should have bought a hat, Bert."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

Bit close to home, that...ROR

I was sat by the harbour enjoying an ice-cream when a Jihadist strolled past. I could see the bulges of the explosives under his clothes.

Suddenly he tripped and fell in the water. I rushed over and saw he was in trouble 'cos of the extra weight. I thought " I'm an English gentleman, I can't let him drown " So I contacted the police, fire and ambulance to help. Thinking further, I contacted the coastguard as well.

This was 11 am and no-one had arrived by 4.30pm !





I have the feeling that I've wasted the price of four second class stamps !
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
My wife called me a selfish b'sted because I didn't open the car door for her. I was swimming for my life at the time.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
We were invited to dinner by the mother-in-law. She grudgingly served steak. I cut the first bit off and put it in my pocket, before eating the rest. Steely silence from both women. At home - "What's with the steak". I said, "Ahah, she wanted me to choke to death on the first mouthful".
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A young engineer was leaving the works office at 3.45 one day , when
he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the Acting CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important
document and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly sir" said the young engineer. He switched the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent ", said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need the one copy only".
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Reminded by another thread:-

There was this painter & decorator, named Arthur Leadbetter, who specialised in commercial work.
One day he was up a particularly great height, painting the OXO sign on the factory.
Unfortunately he slipped and plunged through one of the Os in the sign. He, of course, did not survive.
On his tombstone was inscribed:-

"Here lies the body of Arthur Leadbetter - he went as he came, through a hole in a letter"
Last edited by: Roger. on Thu 31 Jul 14 at 10:08
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more. 'You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

Me ole mam's poor old dog died last week. I thought I'd try and cheer her up a bit so after some searching I found her an identical one.

I thought she'd be pleased but she went mad !

"What the hell am I supposed to do with two dead dogs ?" she complained.

You just can't please them....can you ?
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”
7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.
9. Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”
10. An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I've been feeling very depressed lately. It got so bad I phoned the local Samaritans, but they were too busy and transferred me to their Islamic branch. They were extremely sympathetic, but when I told them I was feeling suicidal they got excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
I see the Queen has sent her first ever tweet today.

Apparently she would have done it first thing this morning, but she was on the throne.
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said a smug Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
How did you make out?""

First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the XXXXX is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
David Beckhams son starts training with the man utd junior team.
On day one they get kitted up and his fellow juniors Ask him what number he will wear on his shirt.
Dunno he says, so goes off to ask the team coach
Who replies
'Wear four out there Romeo''
 The terrible old jokes thread - ....
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
This one might be a bit "near", but we'll see.

Man goes the Dr and complains he can't get his wife pregnant. So the Dr gives him a jar and asks him to bring back a semen sample in the morning.

The next day, the man goes back, but the jar is empty.

"What happened?", asks the doc.

"Well", says the man...

First I tried with my right hand. Nothing. Then I tried with my left. Still nothing.

So I called the wife in. She tried with her right hand. No go. Then her left. Nope.

So then she tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in and with her teeth out. No go.

Then we called the neighbour in and she tried with her right hand and then her left. Still nothing.

So I'm sorry, Dr, we simply couldn't get the lid off.

Last edited by: Crankcase on Wed 5 Nov 14 at 08:18
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
The man who invented predictive text died last week.

His funfair is on Sundial.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> The man who invented predictive text died last week.
>>
>> His funfair is on Sundial.

My ex boss's motto was 'plagiarise with pride'. The above was to good to miss.....
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
>>
>> My ex boss's motto was 'plagiarise with pride'. The above was to good to miss.....
>>
Drat, fingered!!

Let's be fair Brompt, few of us make them up ourselves.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Courtesy of the FJ /R Owners Club Fast Journal
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees a bloke that she had met in a pub the previous evening. He was stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You liar" she yells,
"Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot."
"No" he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

Courtesy of the FJ /R Owners Club Fast Journal
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
A friend of mine calls his ex wife 'the hand grenade'.

Once the ring goes you lose half the flippin' house
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
For anyone who is starting to think of Christmas present ideas for the younger members of the family there's a superb offer on the latest Barbie boxed set.

It's called "Divorced Barbie"

You only pay for the doll but you also get free of charge, Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat...
 The terrible old jokes thread - R.P.
Oh dear Humph....sounds bad. ;-)
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Two elderly gentlemen sitting on a park bench.

!st " At our age what would you rather have, Parkinson's or Alzheimer's ?"

2nd " Parkinson's ! Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle !"
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.

 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
This is true but some may be amused. My youngest descendant, 6 and super-cute, spotted the horrible graunch on the n/s rear quarter of the jalopy, and asked herself what had caused it.

'Grandfather accidentally scraped it against the deer fence, darling.' Short pause.

'Did he say the F word?'

Heh heh... only about 50 times... but herself didn't admit it to the nipper, just changed the subject.

 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Mick: "Didn't you once tell me you had an uncle?"

Pat: "Sure, I have an uncle"

Mick: "Where is he now, is he still living?"

Pat: "No, he fell through a trap door and broke his neck"

Mick: "He was building a house"?

Pat: "No, they were hanging him"
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
To my friends and family,

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Merry Christmas,
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

Poor quality Christmas joke.....

There was a huge meeting of chess enthusiasts at a local hotel. They played several games and when the play was over they congregated in the hotel reception and were bragging about their skills on the chessboard.

Thge noise got louder and louder and other customers were getting annoyed.

At the height of the noise, the organizer stood up and shouted ' Shut up..all of you ! '....





...........' If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer ! '
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
The dyslexic devil worshipper..............................................sold his soul to Santa.
Last edited by: bathtub tom on Wed 17 Dec 14 at 15:51
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation: "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.

 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted
William Tell and his son were reckoned to be great cricketers....especially bowling.

Sadly, all records were lost in a fire so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled !
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Love that second one Ted.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
With the Christmas and New Year festive holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with all my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with some friends and had several beers followed by some rather nice shots to round off the night.

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block but, since it was a taxi, they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This turned out to be a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before; I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted
I had a chippy meal the other night, As I came out of the chippy with my fish, large sausage, double chips, peas and barm cake a tramp approached me, shivering and with pleading eyes.

He told me he'd not eaten for several days.

I told him that I really wished I had his willpower !...Especially at Christmas !
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

So the wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park....", then the electric power went out.

The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
I used to be a warewolf,














but I am cured nowwwwwwwwwwwwww!
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No .... ," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible ........ !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ...... ?

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me.
My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married .........

"Oh . . .. I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat ...... ?"

The man shakes his head .. . .,
"No ...... . They're all at the funeral."


 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
Nice one! The great Max Boyce turned it into a monologue 30-odd years ago.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
He told monologues that were 30 years long.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...
 The terrible old jokes thread - Slidingpillar
This is slightly out of place since it's not a joke but a true story. Many years ago, I lived in Hamilton, Lanarkshire, and needed to get to Edinburgh without using a car since I was picking one up from there. To do that trip, I first had to go by rail to Glasgow, and from there, I could catch a train to Edinburgh.

On the train to Edinburgh, I was sat opposite a group of older women. One lady opened her mouth when the train started moving, and talked both continuously and loudly. After about an hour, she complained of a pain in her throat.

I really don't know how I resisted saying, "if you shut up a bit, your throat would hurt less"

Fullchat's joke reminded me of this incident.
 The terrible old jokes thread - MD
I got cream for that you should have told her..
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike H
A young girl rushes into a police station in tears, yelling "Help, help, I've been graped!".

The duty officer says to her, "Don't you mean raped?".

"No", she says, "there was a bunch of them".
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
An old man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of the morning.

He replied, “I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.

The sceptical officer asked, “Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?". He replied, “My wife.”
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Scottish Blood Donor

A Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh.
After the surgery, the Sheikh sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars.
A couple of days later, the Sheikh had to go through a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Sheikh did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Sheikh and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Sheikh replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".



 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
The inhabitants of Genoa have the reputation of being cunning and mean. A Genovese widow wanted to announce the death of her husband in the local paper. To spare herself unnecessary expense, she asked just for the insertion "Mario died". The clerk pointed out that the minimum charge covered six words, so she could have four more for the same price. She thought for a moment, then asked him to add, "Fiat Uno for sale".

 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bug ger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
Last edited by: bathtub tom on Wed 25 Feb 15 at 17:11
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner.


"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says.


The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken".
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
General de Gaulle was known for his pomposity. One night he made ceremonial love to Mme. de Gaulle. At the climax she called out "Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu!"

He said graciously, "At such times, Cherie, you may call me Mon General".
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
I hope this is not too rude:

Freddy owned a box of tin soldiers.
He dismissed his generals,
He threw out his captains,
And he sacked his sergeants and corporals.
But he really enjoyed playing with his privates.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
I think we can live with that!!
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'
 The terrible old jokes thread - crocks
>> 'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'

Was it Harleyman's latest post that reminded you of that joke?
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
>> >> 'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'
>>
>> Was it Harleyman's latest post that reminded you of that joke?
>>
It was :-)
Last edited by: henry k on Sat 14 Mar 15 at 12:48
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Just seen this one posted elsewhere -

To:
Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.

Dear Mr. Smith,

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.
I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.
In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours sincerely,
Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London
 The terrible old jokes thread - swiss tony
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's surgery and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said.
'Your finger is broken.'
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Good news for Liverpool fans is that Brendan Rodgers has successfully managed to win his team a place in a major European competition next season despite their recent setbacks.

All he has to do now is write the song.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
HOW MANY FORUM POSTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Nick Clegg isn't the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Finally, one to stand up for light bulb changers' rights and condemn the unequal distribution of light bulbs caused by the capitalist system.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
you forgot about the member who will blame the tory cuts for the failure of the light bulb and explain how if the miners had still been digging coal the power would have been much more stable.

Then there is the member who will moan that he can't buy the exact same replacement lightbulb, blame the EU, and claim global warming is a myth.

Then you will get the member who will complain that the bulb was changed by a minimum wage immigrant, undercutting a home grown worker, despite the fact the last time he tried to get a sparks to do the job he was told to eft off and do it himself.

The management guru member will come on and say the bulb was time served anyway and should have been culled because it was not fit for the job

There will be a row between members one of who is saying the bulb should be a different make and bought from miles away, ignoring the bulb shop next door.

Lastly will be the member who will claim he bought the best brightest most long-lasting lightbulb in the world from his best mate and its never ever going to blow.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
If it had been yesterday afternoon in London he would have died of boredom anyway...
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Thumbs down from me Dog - not nice, joke or no.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
No worries Cc, if I'd thought the 'joke' through properly before posting it, I wouldn't have done so.

Anyway guv, I've made a batch of www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4622/classic-scones-with-jam-and-clotted-cream 'served' with Rodda's clotted cream & St Dalfour strawberry jam so, just for you, um gonna go and have another one.

:}
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> not nice, joke or no.

Most if not all jokes have a cruel heartless side. Surely you must have noticed that by now Crankers. 'Nice' doesn't come into it.
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Have you had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers now.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
New scam - beware - You Have Been Warned.!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to you as you are packing your purchases into the back of your car. They both have battery powered car vacuums and start vacuuming the inside of your vehicle, cleaning the inside of your windshield with a cloth and aerosol, with their breasts almost falling out of their blouses.

It is impossible not to look at them. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride into town . You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, breasts everywhere, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the15th, 17th, 20th, the 24th and 29th. Also on April 1st and 2nd, twice on the 3rd, 16th, 23rd, three times last Monday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Happened to Zero too.

www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?t=728&m=371473&v=e

;)
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
>>Happened to Zero too.

www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?t=728&m=371473&v=e

Yoo've got a damn good mammary there guvnor ;)
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero

>> I had my wallet stolen on March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the15th, 17th, 20th,
>> the 24th and 29th. Also on April 1st and 2nd, twice on the 3rd, 16th,
>> 23rd, three times last Monday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

You forgot to add that the 99p shop does a very good line in wallets. get them in boxes of 10
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
NAMING A DOG!

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover, Tommy and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of
A fellow, who thought he'd be cute and named his dog " Sex "?
It goes like this:

"One day 'Sex' and I, took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent
Hours looking for that dog.
A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at
Midnight? I told him I was looking for 'Sex'.
My case comes up next Tuesday."

"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to
Get a dog license for 'Sex'.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for 'Sex'.
He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had 'Sex' since I was 5, he said, “You must have
Been an early bloomer."

"When I decided to get married, I told the Priest I wanted to have
'Sex' at the wedding.
He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested
That 'Sex' had played a big part in my life and that my whole life
Revolved around 'Sex', and I am going to have ‘Sex’ at the wedding he said he will
Have to declare the church ‘out of bounds’ for me forever.

"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the
Honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a
Room for my wife and wanted one for 'Sex'.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't
Understand. 'Sex' keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.'

"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
The dog. When I told the Judge I had 'Sex' before I was married, he
Grinned and said, “ Me. Too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more
Trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling.

My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said
'Sex' has died
And left my life. It's like losing a best friend and
I'm so lonely,' I
Told him.

He said, “Look, you and I both know that 'sex' isn't man's best friend.
Get yourself a dog."
 The terrible old jokes thread - sooty123
Ed Miliband returns from Ibiza.

New gravel driveway.

"Is... Is that the...?"

"Yes, Ed. It is."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball,

a game which in civilized countries is played by little girls and called by its proper name, 'Rounders'.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK

if there's anyone who hasn't been murdered who has the slightest idea.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Sat 16 May 15 at 00:50
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
You will also be required to ban any women over size 12 from wearing white trousers ( look that up if need be )

You will keep your voices down when in public, especially when in Europe instead of sounding like a gaggle of garden strimmers.

It will no longer be permitted to smother cheese on other random hot food products

Whooping at public speakers or musical performances will become an imprisonable offence.

Not only will baseball be banned, but the wearing of baseball caps will be regarded as an act of public indecency.

 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
You must also understand that golf balls are inanimate objects and as such are unable to hear anything you tell them. Thus shouting "Get in the hole" after a player has made his putting stroke is not necessary, irritating to everyone else and will be banned.



 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Our language is called "English". If you wish to speak it, then we will tell you how to speak it.

If you wish to speak a language of your own, and in your own way, then call it American.

There is no such comprise language as "American English".
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
>>Whooping at public speakers or musical performances will become an imprisonable offence<<

Especially when indulged in at the Metropolitan Opera House, New York (City - as you always add). We Saturday evening Radio 3 listeners find it gets right up our noses.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
Not understanding what a tea towel is. My daughter discovered this behaviour when she took a token present to a friend.
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
Similarly, don't excuse yourself by going outside for a fag and I still don't know what they put in a fanny bag!
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
>> I still don't know what they put in a fanny bag!
Wiki lists some.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
>> >> I still don't know what they put in a fanny bag!
>> Wiki lists some.

The only place you will find a bum is sleeping on the sidewalk
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
I'm fairly sure that there's one in the White house
Last edited by: No FM2R on Sat 16 May 15 at 21:21
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
There's just no pleasing women.

I booked a table for two to take Mrs SJ out for her birthday celebration. Far from being pleased she got the right hump, threw her cue down and stormed out.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Archeologists digging under a pyramid in Egypt have discovered a new mummy.
Always exciting times, however this one is covered in chocolate and nuts ...

It is believed to be Pharoah Rocher!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"This is Unit 12...we need to talk to the Sarge."

"This is the shift supervisor, go ahead."

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.

Acknowledgements to Niece No. 5, Age 6.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
That triggers the memory of...


Yorkshireman: (to vet) Mi' cat's poorly, can tha 'ave a look at it?

Vet: Is it a tom?

Yorkshireman: Nar, Ah've browt it wi' mi!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
The Yorkshireman with the poorly cat also had a dog. Sadly it died.

As he had been so fond of the dog he decided to get a gold statuette made as a memorial.

Yorkshireman (to jeweller) : 'Ere's a photo, can tha mek 'im aht'a gowld?

Jeweller: Eighteen carat?

Yorkshireman: Nay, that'ud be daft! But 'im chowin' a bone 'ud be awreet!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
>>Acknowledgements to Niece No. 5, Age 6.

I actually didn't get that for about 30 seconds. Excellent and going in Crankcase's Big Book of Plagiarism.

I didn't write it.
Last edited by: Crankcase on Thu 11 Jun 15 at 08:11
 The terrible old jokes thread - neiltoo
I was absolutely disgusted by what happened on the beach yesterday. There was a bloke and his wife having a huge argument in front of the kids. Eventually the man started beating up the wife. Anyway, someone must have called the police because a policeman arrived. He tried to intervene but in the end he had to drew his truncheon. Unfortunately, the man was so angry he managed to get hold of the truncheon and attacked the policeman as well. The whole thing was terrifying.




Then a crocodile stole the sausages.
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
www.flickr.com/photos/125140832@N05/18708391825/in/dateposted-public/
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
My friend was in a similar situation some years ago when his much-loved twin pet monkeys contracted some sort of virus and died suddenly.
He took them to the local taxidermist, who told him it would be no problem at all to stuff them. The taxidermist said 'would you like them mounted'?
My friend said 'No, no, just holding hands will be fine'.

Incidentally, some years ago the father of one of my trainee reporters was a member of a group of amateur taxidermists in South Wales. Because professional taxidermy is no longer a common craft in the UK (unlike in France...) they were contracted to stuff a young giraffe and he had to remove part of his garage roof so the job could be done. This is absolutely true.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Paddy saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?'

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PADDY



Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because in response to question 4 ,

"Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in parliament and the whole of the European Commission."

They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who did I miss out?
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes.

The asylum seeker says I'm hungry. (POW) a huge banquet appears!

He then says now I want a nice house. (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears.

He then says I want to be British. (POW) everything vanishes!

He asks where has everything gone?

The fairy says you're British now mate, you're entitled to f--- all.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
FOR THE ATTENTION OF ALL MG ENTHUSIASTS:

The website "X Rated Midgets" is a complete waste of time. It contains no useful tuning tips whatsoever.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
Two prawns called Tom and Christian are bemoaning their lot at the lower end of the food chain. You know what says Tom, I wish I was a great white shark. At exactly that moment a mysterious shoal of cod appears and one grants his wish. Christian, scared on being eaten immediately scarpers.

For similar reasons none of Tom's other friends or his family want anything to do with him. After a month or two he decides being a shark's not all it's cracked up to be and goes off in search of the mysterious shoal. Eventually he finds them and his wish to be a crustacean again is granted.

As fast as he can he swims back home and seeks out his friend who immediately quivers with fright at sound of his voice.

It's alright says Tom - I found cod and I'm a prawn again Christian.
 The terrible old jokes thread - ....
Do you ever feel down? Like the job you do is pointless?
Spare a thought for the poor soul who fits indicators to a BMW.
 The terrible old jokes thread - ....
>> Do you ever feel down? Like the job you do is pointless?
>> Spare a thought for the poor soul who fits indicators to a BMW.
>>
It would appear this is wrong , the person who now has the most pointless job in the world is the person applying sun cream to the Australian 2015 Ashes batsmen.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
One psychiatrist to another: "How am I today?"
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him: "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head and replied: "It kills fleas and ticks for up three months".
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
I let my wife take me out for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?"
I said,..... "Go on then, put it into 4th gear."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
It has just been announced they are re printing the Euro. It is going to be printed on Greece proof paper.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
These aren't all good, but one or two are. I was sent them all at once and post them for what they're worth.



>
> Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
>
> Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they’re about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"
>
> "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
>
> "Medicine for rheumatism?"
>
> "Definitely," he says.
>
> "How about Viagra?"
>
> "Of course."
>
> "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
>
> "Yes, the works."
>
> "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
>
> "Absolutely."
>
> "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
>
> "All speeds and sizes."
>
> "Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
>
>
>
> old couple
>
> A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
>
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure..'
> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
> 'No, I can remember it..'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
>
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
>
>
> Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
>
> BFF: Best Friend Fainted
> BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
> CBM: Covered by Medicare
> FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
> LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
> GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
>
>
> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know, he one that's red and has thorns.'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
>
> old couple
>
>
> An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
> "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
>
> Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
> "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."
>
>
> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
> 'Because she can still drive!'
>
>
>
> Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer!'
>
>
>
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
>
>
> And just one more. . .
>
>
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
>
>
> Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!

 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like its cheques.



My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
 Greek Jokes - Zero
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could also build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied: No?
 Pinko! - Roger.
www.palmyria.co.uk/humour/ipu.htm
 Little Johnny - God
was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulphuric Acid."
Father Walsh said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous."
Little Johnny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water."
Father Walsh said " No, because holy water is good.
The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy."
"That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulphuric Acid on my dogs nuts and he passed a Ferrari.
 Little Johnny - Ambo
Two psychiatrists were walking down the road when a passer-by called out, "Good morning!" One psychiatrist to the other, "I wonder what he meant by that?"
 Behaviour in public - Falkirk Bairn
Saw this yesterday and wondered what your opinion was.

Quote from letters in DT yesterday

Sometimes I despair of the society in which we live and how standards of behaviour have deteriorated - I do not envy the police, who have to deal with it.

Yesterday, it being a pleasant afternoon, I visited a small seaside town not far from where I live. After a pub-lunch, I took a wee stroll along the seafront and I saw a man and a woman, who had pitched a tent on the beach, having an almighty argument in front of a number of children. The screeching and shouting were almost unintelligible but as far as I could make out, the row seemed to be over what they were going to have for dinner.

Suddenly the woman smacked the man in the head, then it all kicked off and while they were giving it laldy, some concerned onlooker must have called the police. Just one policeman turned up on his own and tried to calm things down, but this only served to enrage the man further and he started shouting threats and became increasingly violent. Eventually the policeman was forced to draw his baton to defend himself but after a struggle, the man managed to snatch it from him and used it to attack both the hapless bobby and the woman.

Then amidst the confusion, from out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all their sausages.
 Behaviour in public - Crankcase
Love the punch line.
 Behaviour in public - sooty123
An old one that, seen it done before quite a few times.
 Behaviour in public - Cliff Pope
>> , I took a wee stroll along the seafront


Standards in public are appalling nowadays, but not helped by the closure of public conveniences.
 Behaviour in public - God
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I 'm in trouble again, and I don 't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

I told her. She fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
 US Presidential Election. - Roger.
Monica Lewinsky has announced that she will not be voting for Hillary Clinton if Ms. Clinton is the Democratic candidate in the next election.

She said "The last Clinton administration left a bad taste in my mouth"
 How old is grandma? - God
Some education for our kids and grandkids!!! (I have seen similar before but it is still incredible when you see the changes in a brief period of time).



Read this to the end. The answer to the question may surprise you/






How Old is grandma?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
• television
• penicillin
• polio shots
• frozen foods
• Xerox
• contact lenses
• Frisbees and
• the pill

There were no:
• credit cards
• laser beams or
• ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:
• pantyhose
• air conditioners
• dishwashers
• clothes dryers
• and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
• man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -not purchasing condominiums.


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
• "grass" was mowed,
• "coke" was a cold drink,
• "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
• "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
• "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
• "chip" meant a piece of wood,
• "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
• "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?







I bet you have this old lady in mind. You are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?????




This woman would be only 63 years old, Born in 1952. [The same year as me!!]
 How old is grandma? - Alanovich
What? There was no telly before 1952? Or Yoghurt?

What a load of old cobblers.
 How old is grandma? - Crankcase
Yeah, that doesn't work at all, does it. She needs to be about 15 years older than that to get somewhere near, I reckon.

From wikipedia:

"The first electric typewriter was produced by the Blickensderfer Manufacturing Company, of Stamford, Connecticut, in 1902."

Last edited by: Crankcase on Wed 19 Aug 15 at 12:02
 How old is grandma? - Alanovich
To say nothing of the phrase 'Boston Marriage'.

Usual Christian-tinged, right wing, sepia-tined, American nostalgia rubbish. People seriously believe there weren't any "gays" before about 1960, and even if there were it's some kind of good thing that they had no rights. Laughable.

This is the sort of crud my credulous, Canadian, evangelical born-again relatives spam me with in emails. Relatives. Ugh. Withnail had it right about them.

Edit

Wiki: "The McDonald brothers opened their first restaurant adjacent to the Monrovia Airport in 1937"
Last edited by: Alanović on Wed 19 Aug 15 at 12:13
 How old is grandma? - R.P.
Like the Australian Immigration stories. Half are rubbish, all forget that the policies are being implemented by people who were generally immigrants themselves to the country during the last 200 years.
 How old is grandma? - Robin O'Reliant
Having lived through the same past as the character in the story I was glad to see the back of it.
 How old is grandma? - Focusless
>> In my day:
>> • "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
>> This woman would be only 63 years old, Born in 1952.

If 'my day' = 20 years old... no rock music in 1972?
 How old is grandma? - No FM2R
Clearly the "story" is total dross, but just out of interest... (from Wikipedia)

television - 1926
penicillin - 1928
polio shots - 1952
frozen foods - 1924
Xerox - 1941
Contact lenses - 1887
Frisbees - 1957
the pill - 1957
credit cards - 1949
laser beams - 1955
ball-point pens - 1938
pantyhose - 1959
air conditioners - 1902
dishwashers - 1886
clothes dryers - 1803
Pizza Hut - 1958
McDonalds - 1955
Typewriter - 1902
Last edited by: No FM2R on Wed 19 Aug 15 at 12:55
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Focusless
Shouldn't be old, but seems like an appropriate place for this year's 10 best Fringe jokes (allegedly, and I think no. 8 should be no. 1):

1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge backside ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6. "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8. "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927
Last edited by: VxFan on Wed 11 Sep 19 at 10:36
 Fringe top 10 jokes - No FM2R
I'd go for 7)
 Fringe top 10 jokes - VxFan
No.4 should be No.1
 Fringe top 10 jokes - God
No.9 duzzit fer me.
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Bromptonaut
10.
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Armel Coussine
I like jokes including most of these. But I don't get no 10. Is it an age thing or what?
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Manatee
>> I like jokes including most of these. But I don't get no 10. Is it
>> an age thing or what?

Took me a while, but the joke of course is that she usually dreams that she is naked in an exam that she hasn't revised for...
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Alanovich
>> No.4 should be No.1

+1
 For parents of school aged children! - Roger.
i115.photobucket.com/albums/n297/penfro/Public/971953_529894357082934_788172472_n_zps0u1vesua.jpg

(link to my Photobucket - public - album)
 For parents of school aged children! - MD
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

 For parents of school aged children! - God
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, Double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind Of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, Don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, Ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, When suddenly a machine gun opens up, And Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees...


Ees

Ees... A ham bush!"
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Shane, are out looking for work and they see a sign near a forest saying Tree Fellers Wanted.
"That's a shame" says Shane, "if only Mick was here we could apply for them jobs."

Anyway Paddy and Shane soon get jobs working at the local sawmill.

One day, Shane slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Shane. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Shane out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Shane slips and severs his leg on another ****** big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Shane out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And within a couple of day Shane comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a few days he has another accident and this time severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Shane to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Shane is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey ******* put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".


 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
One morning a mother was trying hard to wake up her son.

"Wake up now! It's the first day of school. You don't want to be late."

"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.

His mother said: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Not good enough," the mother replied.

"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."

"One, you're 52 years old. Two, you're the headmaster."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Well, perhaps you had to be there. None made me laugh. I smiled at only one, number 26. A couple invoked an internal grimace, or possibly an inaudible snort, and a whole bunch I didn't understand at all.

Your mileage, etc.

www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/edinburgh-festival/edinburgh-fringe-2015-the-50-best-jokes-10476941.html
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
>>Your mileage, etc.

Not much.


I smiled at 10.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they
agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father replied quite smartly ,"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week!!..


 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I have just farted so loudly and for so long that my voice recognition software wrote a Daily Mail column.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Not an old joke particularly: it's pictorial (NOT POLITICAL) and it made me laugh!

i115.photobucket.com/albums/n297/penfro/Public/12011404_854533161329152_4689737565744644783_n_zpsr8d5pgqn.jpg
Last edited by: Roger. on Mon 21 Sep 15 at 16:42
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
An old Dr. Geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Specialist treatment for £500. If not cured, you get back £1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old Dr.Geezer didn't know beans about modern medicine, thought this would
be a great opportunity to make a quick £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! -- That's Petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young is annoyed and returns after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- That's Petrol"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything“ he complains.
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note).
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "But a man is sitting on the well!"
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the Swiss guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck's that on the balcony with Colin?"
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Colin was also supposed to be friends with Bill Clinton but I don't think anyone would swallow that!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
>> Colin was also supposed to be friends with Bill Clinton but I don't think anyone
>> would swallow that!
>>

Someone did!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

He did splash out on a new dress for Monica !
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
That's a stain on her character!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
'Talk dirty to me,' she begged. 'Alright,' he said, leaning closer, 'Volkswagen diesel . .'
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
>>>'Talk dirty to me,' she begged. 'Alright,' he said, leaning closer, 'Volkswagen diesel . .'

Thanks for this. I told it at a military wedding. It went down a bomb.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Boom, boom! :-)
 The terrible old jokes thread - Haywain
Polite request to mods .....

Can we have a fresh volume, please? This takes ages to scroll through.
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
>> Polite request to mods .....
>>
>> Can we have a fresh volume, please? This takes ages to scroll through.
>>


I don't get it!?






:-)
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
>> >>
>> I don't get it!?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> :-)
>>
I think it's some sort of sophisticated pun.
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
A Photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a huge forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to take him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just 1 hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna aircraft was waiting at the start of the runway. He jumped in with all his equipment and shouted "Let's go!".

The tense man sitting in the Pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, although flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire!", instructed the photographer, "and make several low passes".

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages ... but I fear the wurst.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.


In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your mate will die a violent death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared back at the old woman's lined face ... then at the single flickering candle ... then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced.
A question forced its way out - she simply had to know!
Meeting the Fortune Teller's gaze and trying very hard to steady her voice, she whispered quietly, "Will I be acquitted?”
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
www.facebook.com/JamsPlay/videos/1086411381371056/?fref=nf
Facebook link, FAIL video.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
Doctor: You've got Tom Jones Syndrome
Patient: Is it common?
Doctor: It's not Unusual
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Catholic Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're in my side".
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
An elderly West Sussex man is stopped by the Police around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The Police officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The old man replies, "That would be my wife."
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Far away in the tropical waters of Australia, two prawns were swimming around in the sea -
one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

Just as Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says,
"Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.

Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,
"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."...(wait for it).

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> Far away in the tropical waters of Australia, two prawns were swimming around in the
>> sea -
>> one called Justin and the other called Christian.

>> ...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".
>>

Ahem! www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?v=e&t=728&m=445140

 The terrible old jokes thread - God
>>Ahem! www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?v=e&t=728&m=445140

So my five year older sister pointed out to me. Good joke though :)
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I"ll be making pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he"s got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
It's the way I tell 'em ...

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first little boy says, “Alligator.”
“Very good, that’s a big word.”
The second boy says, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator, Miss.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.”
“Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!!.....
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Breaking news -
A cement mixer has just collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals!
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question. "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!" "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Teacher asks for a sentence using the word contagious.
Little Mary says "I can't play with my cousin right now as she has measles and me mum says it's very contagious"
Very good says teacher, how about you young Paddy?
He thinks for a moment and says "Me neighbour is painting his house white, he's using a 2 inch brush and me Dah sez it'll take the contagious"
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 pm. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 pm. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love - which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday..

He was caught in a trap.
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Its no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority in particular, so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, An Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, An American, a south African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
 The terrible old jokes thread - Alanovich
Two kiwis? Any particular reason?
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
The sheep insist.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Alanovich
>> The sheep insist.
>>

Oof. Welshman living amongst llamas makes sheep joke. Thin ice.

;-)
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
8-)
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> Two kiwis?

Always handy to have a spare key.
 Gyles Brandreth tweeted this today - smokie

What does The Queen do when she burps?

She issues a Royal "Pardon"
 Gyles Brandreth tweeted this today - Ted

What's the Queen's favourite record ?



'Magic Moments ' on Philips 12 inch.


OMG...I'll get me coat !
 Gyles Brandreth tweeted this today - Bromptonaut
>> 'Magic Moments ' on Philips 12 inch.

Reminds me about the one concerning Dennis Thatcher's criminal conviction for having an offensive person on his weapon.
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
That could be an episode of Andy Hamilton's excellent 'Old Harry's Game'. Still on Radio 4 Extra...
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
>>That could be an episode of Andy Hamilton's excellent 'Old Harry's Game'. Still on Radio 4 Extra...

Oh thanks for reminding me MH, the number of times that I had to pull over when I was driving because of that!
Last edited by: zippy on Fri 13 Nov 15 at 16:42
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
The name's Hoff. David Hoff.

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3316516/David-Hasselhoff-says-s-changed-David-Hoff.html

Less Hassel I guess.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Groan :-)
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Well, although not old, it's as per the title - terrible, so I thought it qualified ;)
 Thank you for that one Dog - smokie
I don't think you expected that one to stay visible did you... :-)
 Thank you for that one Dog - Bromptonaut
>> I don't think you expected that one to stay visible did you... :-)

Presumably it was deemed unacceptable in the end.

Pity.
 Terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
Dyslexic Mexican to girl in nightclub.....'' Get your taco, you've pulled''
 Terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.

10 men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person before the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntary let go of the rope.

Because, she explained, as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband, her kids and men in general.

She was used to making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she had finished her speech all the men started clapping.
 Terrible old jokes thread - God
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my blooming fault.
 Terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
A lady went into the lounge, after her husband had left for work and their two girls had gone to school, to find the much loved budgerigar was lying dead in its cage.

She thought they would all be heartbroken when they came home, so she went to the pet shop to buy another one. Unfortunately the only suitable creature there was an attractive parrot. The shop owner said it was a lovely creature but its last home was a brothel and it had picked up some rather unsavoury language. The lady said there were a broad-minded family and she bought him.

On being put in the lounge the parrot peered all around and said “Umm, looks very comfortable”.

A little later the two daughters came home. The parrot looked them up and down and remarked that they were a couple of well brought up children.

An hour later the husband came home and on entering the lounge the parrot immediately said “Hello Keith!”
 Terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher,
 Terrible old jokes thread - henry k
In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife….The couple had been happily married for 50 years.
The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary.

When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion,“How Much?!!!”

He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple he explained,
“My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted owt swanky’.

“Perhaps a small poem,” suggested the woman at the desk.

‘Nay,’ he said, ‘she wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da.
Just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died”.

“You need to say when,’ he was told by the receptionist.

‘Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That’ll do.

’‘It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.

’The man considered for a moment. ‘Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do,’ he said.

‘You can have another four words,’ the woman explained.
‘No, no!’ he cried, ‘she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.’

“The words are included in the price,’ the woman informed him.
‘Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em?

‘Yes, indeed.

’‘Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em exclaimed the man, ‘I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.

’The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th March 2015. Sadly missed.
Also, Tractor for sale.
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
A farmer had a talking sheepdog, and send him to get all the sheep into the pen, then report back

"All 40 accounted for.", announced the dog on its return.

"But we only have 36 sheep" said the farmer.

"I know.", replied the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up."
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
I told him he could have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I was never going to give you Up.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Guy goes into a cafe for lunch. He notices "Oasis Soup" on the blackboard so he asks what it is.

Cafe owner informs him "Ye get a roll with it"...
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "is this stool taken?"
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Two grey paving slabs in a bar having a drink. Just then a red paving slab comes in and stands next to them. First grey slab whispers to his mate, "Be careful of him, he's a bit of a cycle path"...
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Might have been posted before (?):

SENIORS COFFEE GROUP

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Timmy's Diner.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said another!

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully...

“Thank God we can all still drive."
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
A man walked into a bar and ordered a shot of whiskey before looking into his pocket. He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asked why he ordered shots of whiskey and afterwards looked into his pocket.

The man responded: "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Breaking News:

Trump pulls out of golf course development in Argyll citing fears about the radical Mullah Kintyre.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
jolly good
 The terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
I've changed my password; it's the last eight digits of pi.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas. The queues for every counter, and the check-out tills were enormous. The husband was bored witless; he told his wife that he would have a wander around and would be back in a little while before she got to the check-out.

The wife finally made it through to the head of the check-out queue and paid her bill, but the husband was nowhere to be seen, and they still had more shopping to do. The wife called him on his mobile. She said, "Where are you?" He said, "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember
that shop", she replied. He said, "Right, well I'm in the pub next door to it."
Last edited by: Crankcase on Wed 6 Jan 16 at 15:44
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
Two tigers walking down the street.

One turns to the other and says "quiet here isn't it".

As told by my 4-year-old grandson.
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Made me chuckle.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Two Alsations in the waiting room at the vets. First one says to the other,

What are you in for then?

Oh, I'm not sure, but I think I'm going be, y'know, put down.

Oh jeez really? What on earth for?

Well, truth is, I've got a bit of a temper on me, just can't help it sometimes, especially with Jack Russells, don't ask me why but I can't stand them. If one of them rubs me up the wrong way I just lose the plot.

What, like you've bitten some other dogs?

Yeah, afraid so, and a human or two, postmen mainly.

Wow, so you might be in big trouble then?

Kinda think I am, dunno, don't want to think about it. Anyway what are you in for?

Oh me? I'm oversexed apparently.

Really? Cool!!!

Yeah, anything with a pulse me, can't stop.

Fab, nice problem to have !

Yeah, well it got me in big trouble last week, I even had a go at my mistress.

What, her there on the chair?

Yup, I know it was wrong in every way but I just did, she was leaning over the bath and well...

Jeez that's wild man! Are you going to be put down too?

Nah, just getting my claws clipped mate...
 The terrible old jokes thread - God
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer.

Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

Obama said that anyone who forwards this is a racist.........so to avoid offending anyone just delete it... Hope I can count on U mods to do the right thing!
 This Terrible Old Joke Keeps Comming Back - zippy
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-35255012


:-(
 The terrible old jokes thread - John Boy
Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day, Tyrone's Mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his Mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The Mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Birmingham.

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon there is a high likelihood that you voted for Jeremy Corbyn.
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a length of sheep's intestine.

In 1873 the English perfected the idea by first removing the intestine from the sheep.