Non-motoring > The terrible old jokes thread   [Read only] Miscellaneous
Thread Author: Crankcase Replies: 638
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New Sun 4 Apr 10 08:14 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase

***** This thread is now closed, please CLICK HERE to go to the next chapter *****

=============================================================

How can we have got this far without a dreadful jokes thread? Hurrah, it doesn't have to be motoring.


I used to think size didn't matter until all my wallpaper fell off.

Last edited by: VxFan on Thu 20 Feb 20 at 19:29
       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 17:43 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Sorry to be a killjoy, but this is one route that we don't want to go down. Now before there are cries of excess moderation (again), this area of the forum was really set up for questions of a non-motoring nature.

Already we've had jokes posted of an adult (and some would call tasteless) nature. Don't get me wrong, I am no prude, anyone whose received txt messages from me will vouch for that, but please try and remember that all walks of life read this forum who may not find that sort of content acceptable, not to mention people who do so via their place of employment who may well have strict policies in place of what content you can and can't look at.

Discussing this with the other mods, we're all in agreement with this. However we'll allow motoring jokes to be posted (after all said and done, this is primarily a motoring website). Please remember though to keep those jokes to a non offensive nature. If your mother doesn't want to hear it, or it would make her blush or get you a clip around the ear if she did hear it, then it's generally not acceptable to post it. It goes without saying that anything considered inappropriate will be removed without notification.

Lastly, if you've got any thoughts on creating threads such as this one, then please consider running it past the mods first (moderators@car4play.com) before going ahead with it. You never know, we might actually say yes.

Thanks, Vx.
Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 4 Apr 10 at 17:48
       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 19:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - MD
>>not to mention people who do so via their place of employment who may well have strict policies in place of what content you can and can't look at.

I have only just chanced upon this, but what the ???? are people at work (for others) doing 'surfing' in (others) time? Please explain. I would sack the lot of them, end of.

MD
       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 19:36 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> I have only just chanced upon this but what the ???? are people at work
>> (for others) doing 'surfing' in (others) time?

I can't speak for other employers, but mine allows me to use the internet (for non work) at break times.
Last edited by: VxFan on Sun 4 Apr 10 at 19:37
       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 19:39 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Iffy
...but mine allows me to use the internet (for non work) at break times...

So does mine, but there's also mention of 'after work', so I get the impression they would rather you got the day job done first.

       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 19:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
"Break times" What's one of them then ? I want one of those jobs. In fact I want one where you spend fewer than 80 hours a week working. I want one where customers don't ring you on Easter flippin' Sunday when you're in a forest on a bike with your family. I want one where you don't get back after 12 hours out in the car to find 50 "urgent" emails waiting for you...... Actually I want to retire.......

:-)
       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 19:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
>> Actually I want to retire.......

I have - Its great, no internet restriction at Palace Zero.

Tho to be fair, I had unrestricted (no blocking of any kind) internet at work. (when i used to go there)
       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 22:05 
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
>> >> Actually I want to retire.......

Careful what you wish for, look what happened to PU when he retired. ;>)

All the best to them, but I expect he's far too busy to be reading this.
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 08:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Meldrew
My last job was 21 hours a week on a part-time contract. I am still doing 21 hours + in the voluntary sector and it suits me fine and I can manage without the hassle, commuting and the money!
       
New Sun 4 Apr 10 23:07 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
>>Sorry to be a killjoy

Then why be one?

>>It goes without saying that anything considered inappropriate will be removed without notification.

Isn't that the only rule required then?

>>Lastly, if you've got any thoughts on creating threads such as this one, then please consider running it past the mods first (moderators@car4play.com) before going ahead with it. You never know, we might actually say yes.

As you have just said "no" to a thread such as this one, that makes no sense at all.

Do you seriously think you are dealing with people who are going to put their hands up when they want to speak?

I really thought we'd left that behind. Plus ca change.

       
New Mon 5 Apr 10 06:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Pat
>>>>>>Lastly, if you've got any thoughts on creating threads such as this one, then please consider running it past the mods first (moderators@car4play.com) before going ahead with it.<<<<

Well, I've just made a suggestion about another thread being locked in a post I made, before reading this one.
Maybe I should have emailed the mods?

No to hell with it, why should I?

A suggestion for a thread is just that and the only way to test the water is get other people's opinions on it surely?

The mods, with all due respect, can never represent a true cross section of the contributors, and are there to oversee nothing offensive gets out of hand. I appreciate it is done voluntarily, and they do an excellent job, but even so this is very akin to the gatehouse security guard syndrome.

Don't let's go down that road please.

Pat
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 07:50 
 New book - Dog
A man goes into a book shop and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
      3  
New Fri 2 Aug 13 08:00 
 New book - helicopter
The oldies are the best Dog......

I remember that book ,written by some fellow called Justin........
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 08:11 
 New book - Dog
:)
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 08:15 
 New book - Crankcase
I'm intrigued.

I started this thread some years ago. As you can see in the second post I got a minor slap, and the mods decision was that we didn't want the thread at all, but if we did, it would have to be motoring, and in any case, a joke that would make your mother blush would be over the line.

Dog's joke (sorry Dog) would certainly make my mother blush, and isn't motoring.

I'll answer my own query for the mods."Yes. We say a lot of things. Get over it".


:)



       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 08:19 
 New book - R.P.
I moved Dog's post in here - personally doesn't offend me. Didn't make the original decision !
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 22:02 
 New book - Bromptonaut
>> I'm intrigued.
>>
>> I started this thread some years ago. As you can see in the second post
>> I got a minor slap, and the mods decision was that we didn't want the
>> thread at all, but if we did, it would have to be motoring, and in
>> any case, a joke that would make your mother blush would be over the line.
>>
>> Dog's joke (sorry Dog) would certainly make my mother blush, and isn't motoring.

I think the Mods were a bit jumpy then - site was new and the HJ 'now back to motoring' was amost still the Zeitgeist.

Three years on and we're a community of mates and more comfortable with stuff like this.
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 22:16 
 New book - legacylad
Having worked in a retail environment for many years, it really annoys me when some unknown, and unrecognised oik, calls me 'mate'.
I prefer to choose my 'mates' by the simple process of thinking whether I would share a beer with them at the bar. Until then, I'm nobody's mate. No offence intended. Much.
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 22:21 
 New book - R.P.
I am acquainted with an ex-ACPO Police Officer from Notts Police - he now runs a genteel little cafe - I was sharing a brew there one day when this dreadful oik came in and kept referring to him as "mate", knowing him like I do I doubt that that is possibly the first time that ever happened to him
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 22:47 
 New book - Zero
>> Having worked in a retail environment for many years, it really annoys me when some
>> unknown, and unrecognised oik, calls me 'mate'.
>> I prefer to choose my 'mates' by the simple process of thinking whether I would
>> share a beer with them at the bar. Until then, I'm nobody's mate. No offence
>> intended. Much.

Message understood mush.
       
New Sat 3 Aug 13 07:20 
 New book - Dog
>>I prefer to choose my 'mates' by the simple process of thinking whether I would share a beer with them at the bar. Until then, I'm nobody's mate

Message received and understood ... mate.
       
New Fri 2 Aug 13 22:26 
 New book - ....
Ouch ! I was siding with Bromptonaut about having a laugh and a bit of banter and there we go.

I know I have poke at gb about his hatred of EGS gearboxes but I still very much respect his (antiquated ;-) ) views.

Live and learn eh !
       
New Sun 11 Aug 13 20:43 
 New book - -
>> I know I have poke at gb

the terrible old jokes (antiquated division) thread??

first class insult that, titfer doffed..:-


       
New Mon 19 Aug 13 12:51 
 ££££s - henry k
Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her
blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"No ..no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers... and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty pound note... and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen £20,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well, go and look in the garage!"...she said.

      1  
New Mon 19 Aug 13 21:38 
 Shipwreck... - swiss tony
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following groups of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman;

2 French men and 1 French woman;

2 German men and 1 German woman;

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;

2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman;

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman;

2 English men and 1 English woman.

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Meanwhile, the two English men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
      3  
New Wed 28 Aug 13 16:02 
 Shipwreck... - Robin O'Reliant
We got a sausage dog last week. We had to take it back because the sausages were revolting.
       
New Sat 31 Aug 13 21:09 
 Shipwreck... - Runfer D'Hills
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
       
New Tue 3 Sep 13 13:25 
 The terrible old jokes thread - L'escargot
A customer went into a chemist and asked for deodorant.
The assistant asked "Ball or aerosol?"
The customer replied "Neither, it's for under my arms."
Last edited by: L'escargot on Tue 3 Sep 13 at 13:26
      1  
New Sun 2 Feb 14 21:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - MD
>> A customer went into a chemist and asked for deodorant.
>> The assistant asked "Ball or aerosol?"
>> The customer replied "Neither, it's for under my arms."

Mel Smith and Rowan Atkinson sketch. very funny.
>>
       
New Sat 7 Dec 13 10:03 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
One morning 3 Lancashire Lads and 3 Cockneys were in a ticket queue at Manchester Piccadilly train station heading to Euston for a Wembley cup final.

The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Lancastrians bought just one ticket between them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys. "Tha must watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.

When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to Euston, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Lancashire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys. "Tha must watch and learn", answered one of the Lancastrians.

When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Lancashire lads crammed themselves into another toilet.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Lancastrians left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".



There's just no way on God's green earth to explain why Cockneys are so cockey!




      1  
New Wed 15 Jan 14 07:03 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?

A. A laughing stock.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
       
New Fri 24 Jan 14 23:59 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - henry k
WHY SENIORS NEED NEWSPAPERS


I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper....

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That xxxxx fly never knew what hit him.



       
New Sun 26 Jan 14 13:58 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
We live in a country called Daftland
The England we knew is no more
Where sensible people do ludicrous things
Or risk breaking some Daftland law.

In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles
Less the villain has cause to complain
And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'
Means your free with no stain to your name.

You had better leave lights on in buildings
When you lock up and go home at night
'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
And there's no way you'll be in the right.

When speaking be wary in Daftland
As some terms that you've used all your life
Now have connotations unintended
And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.

We elect politicians in Daftland
To give us the laws of the land
Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
The whole thing has got out of hand.

The borders are open in Daftland
And of migrants there's no keeping track
Just a few of the thousands illegally here
Will ever be caught and sent back.

The exception to this is the hero
Who fought for this land in the war
He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit
So he's not welcome here any more.

When the history is written of Daftland
Historians may just recall
That the craziest people in Daftland
Were the public who put up with it all.
      4  
New Sun 26 Jan 14 14:37 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Manatee
I was just thinking that 'Dog-gerel' was far too cycnical and pessimistic, then somebody gave me pause by finding it offensive :)
Last edited by: Manatee on Sun 26 Jan 14 at 14:38
       
New Sun 26 Jan 14 15:58 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
Pause = Paws.
       
New Sun 26 Jan 14 15:58 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - CGNorwich
How do I know this? Without fail,
I always read the Daily Mail.
       
New Sun 2 Feb 14 22:02 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - MD
What twerp gave Fido a growly face. Get a life..
      1  
New Mon 3 Feb 14 08:53 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> What twerp gave Fido a growly face. Get a life..

This is a jokes thread. That was an unfunny parade of Mail (or Express) prejudices. About as funny as piles.
      2  
New Mon 3 Feb 14 15:41 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> What twerp gave Fido a growly face. Get a life..
>>
>> This is a jokes thread. That was an unfunny parade of Mail (or Express) prejudices.
>> About as funny as piles.
>>

For heaven's sake...it's called humour. You don't have to like it..but if others do, so what?

Would you rather live in a po faced, humourless society where no one dare laugh at much in case it offends the easily offended?
      2  
New Mon 3 Feb 14 16:11 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
:o)
      1  
New Mon 3 Feb 14 17:51 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut

>> For heaven's sake...it's called humour. You don't have to like it..but if others do, so
>> what?
>>
>> Would you rather live in a po faced, humourless society where no one dare laugh
>> at much in case it offends the easily offended?

I'm using it like everyone seems to as 'thumbs down' rather than offended. Written with more irony it might have been funny but as it was........
       
New Sat 1 Feb 14 21:32 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
Why did Everton cross the road ??


For nothing....
       
New Sat 1 Feb 14 21:54 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted
Shamelessly stolen from Littlejohn in the Mail this week.....

Supermarket queue with size 28 lady putting her shopping through with 2 men waiting their turns behind.

Suddenly, the lady's mobile started bleeping......bleep !........bleep !........bleep !

The second man taps the first one on the shoulder and says..............


" Look out mate, she's reversing ! "

HO
Last edited by: Horace Ontaltwin on Sat 1 Feb 14 at 21:55
      2  
New Sun 2 Feb 14 11:35 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
Children in the backseat can cause accidents.

Accidents in the backseat can cause children.
       
New Sun 2 Feb 14 12:01 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
An old married couple go to the doctor, because he has to have some tests. Trouble is he can't hear very well.

Doctor says "Well Mr Coussine, I need to have a urine sample"

Old man says " Eh"

Wife shouts loudly "The doctor needs a urine sample".

Doctor then says " I also need a stool sample"

Old man says "Eh"

Wife shouts even louder "The doctor also needs a stool sample"

Doctor says "..and lastly I'll need a semen sample"

Wife shouts at her loudest " Oh for heaven's sake, just give the doctor your underpants"

       
New Sun 2 Feb 14 23:21 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - legacylad
Chap goes to his docs and tells doc that with increasing age he is having problems with incontinence. Doc gives him phone number of local hospital incontinence dept, and tells him to contact them and make an appointment.
He rings the dept, asks to make an appointment, and the receptionist asks where he is ringing from.
Old chap says
''the waist down''
       
New Sun 2 Feb 14 23:22 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

William Shakespeare walks into a pub..........................The landlord shouts " Get out, you're bard "

HO
       
New Mon 3 Feb 14 08:47 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightie,gown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with y**dishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

      1  
New Mon 3 Feb 14 13:49 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - helicopter
After going to see 12 Years A Slave at my local cinema, I now understand how it feels to be exploited and robbed of your dignity by ruthless, mercenary overseers.

......... £4.20 for a Pepsi Max.
       
New Mon 3 Feb 14 14:06 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Haywain
"......... £4.20 for a Pepsi Max."

WHAT!!!???

Still, I suppose I wouldn't have noticed the price because Mrs H always puts a bottle of water in her handbag.
       
New Tue 4 Feb 14 01:24 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - zippy
What is a wombat good for?


















Playing wom!

From a 5 year old at a family do recently.
       
New Tue 4 Feb 14 01:26 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
:o}
       
New Tue 4 Feb 14 15:42 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

I larfed 'til the tears ran down me legs !......It's me age !

HO
       
New Tue 4 Feb 14 15:57 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
>>
>> I larfed 'til the tears ran down me legs !......It's me age !
>>
>> HO
>>

At your age and laughing, are you absolutely sure it was tears running down your legs?

tinyurl.com/pekkbsm
Last edited by: sherlock47 on Tue 4 Feb 14 at 16:00
       
New Tue 4 Feb 14 16:08 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> are you absolutely sure it was tears running down your legs?


'You can squeeeeeeeeze my lemon
Till the juice run down my leg...'

(Robert Johnson, blues man)
       
New Tue 4 Feb 14 23:22 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

Ah...so that's wot it was , Shylock !

HO
       
New Wed 12 Feb 14 21:51 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow turned up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair stopped him, saying, "No thanks, Cherie will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
      2  
New Wed 12 Feb 14 23:40 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - bathtub tom
That's a little near the knuckle for me.

My legal guardian said something similar about my after shave smelling like a French brothel.

I replied "I never knew you'd been abroad".

Consequent physical violence resulted in me finding alternative accommodation.
       
New Wed 12 Feb 14 23:07 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ted

I was watching a documentary on how they used to put ships together.
.
.
.
.
.
It was riveting !

HO,ho ,ho.
       
New Thu 13 Feb 14 17:27 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
My wife, children and I have been sitting upstairs in our Somerset home, totally cut off from the outside world, with the downstairs flooded for the last five weeks.
Today the Red Cross pulled up outside in a boat.
"Thank God!" I shouted "Have you come to save us?"

"No," They replied "We're collecting donations for Syria.
      3  
New Thu 13 Feb 14 17:38 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
The red face is from me. Not that I would give money to the Red Cross for 'donations to Syria', if it was really collecting for that. But I might easily give the Red Cross a quid for itself.

Tsk. Really Rob.
       
New Thu 13 Feb 14 17:42 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Argh, sorry, a po-faced moment. I was wrong.
       
New Thu 13 Feb 14 17:51 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
Yes, you were Lud:)

Now all we need is a UNDO scowly faced button!

For what it's worth I thought Dog's recent contribution was very good and much after my own heart.

...if you're going to get wrong then might just as well be for the full shilling!

Pat
       
New Thu 13 Feb 14 17:57 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Perhaps I wasn't wrong after all, since feminist trade union troublemakers think I was...

Heh heh.
       
New Thu 13 Feb 14 18:03 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
;)

...you will be wrong if you ever call me a feminist again!

Pat
Last edited by: Pat on Thu 13 Feb 14 at 18:03
       
New Thu 13 Feb 14 18:54 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - R.P.
I don't care - I thought it was funny. The Red Cross are great.
      2  
New Thu 13 Feb 14 20:54 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Haywain
""We're collecting donations for Syria."

In a similar vein, my dad (88yo) told me earnestly in his best Leicestershire accent -

"Ar, sori, I ed an ''elp the Aged' envelope through the door the other day, an' when I oppened it, thi wa note in it"
       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 12:12 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - smokie
Dog - nuked
      7  
New Mon 17 Feb 14 15:50 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
It seems I am not the only persson here who goes po-faced sometimes. That's a relief.

I'm glad I caught Perro's jokes before they were nuked. They were disgraceful of course, but some of them were quite funny.
       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 16:16 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
A little bit too far for me, Dog.

Pat
       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 18:08 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - smokie
I did smile but I thought they strayed a little too far in places and could have easily caused offence. Sorry Doggo!!
       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 19:30 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
Couldn't you have sort of hidden it in and put a marker on it warning it was potentially offensive and not to venture any further if easily offended...

...so that the serially nosey like me could see it.

What bit did he 'offend' then...race, sex, sexual orientation, religion?...or did he go for a Grand Slam?
       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 19:37 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
What bit did he 'offend' then...race, sex, sexual orientation, religion?...or did he go for a Grand Slam?


probably better described as 'a full house' :)

Whilst I was not offended, I think it was fair to describe much of it as offensive. It still made me smile tho'.
       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 21:22 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> Whilst I was not offended, I think it was fair to describe much of it
>> as offensive. It still made me smile tho'.
>>

See that's the strange thing.

If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone else might find it offensive is or should be up to them.

There are a lot of things said within humour that have no relevance outside of that humour.
      1  
New Tue 18 Feb 14 10:26 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sooty123

>> See that's the strange thing.
>>
>> If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone else
>> might find it offensive is or should be up to them.

I was a bit of both, I wasn't offended by any of it, but neither was it funny either.
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 10:43 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone else
>> might find it offensive is or should be up to them.

I don't think funny and offensive are mutually exclusive.

There are plenty of jokes, racist, sexist, those that do the rounds after a natural disaster, which might raise a titter. They're still offensive though.

Dog's joke seemed fairly tame to me. One of our teachers around 3rd year of Grammer school marched into a stuffy classroom and threw windows open complaining that 'it smells like a Turkish brothel in here'.

The class wag, with admirable speed, asked 'how do you know what a Turkish brothel smells like Sir?'

collapse of entire class (or at least those who knew what a brothel was).
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 20:12 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> If you find it funny, you don't find it offensive. The fact that someone
>> else
>> >> might find it offensive is or should be up to them.
>>
>> I don't think funny and offensive are mutually exclusive.
>>
>> There are plenty of jokes, racist, sexist, those that do the rounds after a natural
>> disaster, which might raise a titter. They're still offensive though.


Yes, I take the point...but what I meant was, if the recipient finds it funny, then they themselves are not offended by it, are they?
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 09:27 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> Yes, I take the point...but what I meant was, if the recipient finds it funny,
>> then they themselves are not offended by it, are they?

Personally I can find a joke to be funny but still offensive. Both concepts are matters of degree.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 13:48 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> Yes, I take the point...but what I meant was, if the recipient finds it
>> funny,
>> >> then they themselves are not offended by it, are they?
>>
>> Personally I can find a joke to be funny but still offensive. Both concepts are
>> matters of degree.
>>

Yes, yes, it can be offensive, but you yourself are not offended.

You can have:

- non offensive and no one offended
- offensive and no one offended
- offensive and someone offended

and presumably

- non offensive and someone offended

If a recipient has no real problem with it..why would it need to be censured just because someone else might be?*....let the other person deal with it.

Half the time the people some folk think will be offended are not.

* unless it were so glaringly obviously over the top..e.g. Frankie Boyle on occasions
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 14:06 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sooty123

>> You can have:
>>
>> - non offensive and no one offended
>> - offensive and no one offended
>> - offensive and someone offended
>>
>> and presumably
>>
>> - non offensive and someone offended

Is that from the Donald Rumsfeld school of explanation? ;)

>>
>> * unless it were so glaringly obviously over the top..e.g. Frankie Boyle on occasions
>>
Oh I don't know, he's one of the very few that has me full on belly laughing.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 16:04 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> Is that from the Donald Rumsfeld school of explanation? ;)

Yes...and it's not the first time.

       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 19:38 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
none of the "esses" and every shade of the "rrrrrr"s
       
New Mon 17 Feb 14 20:22 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
>>A little bit too far for me, Dog.

No worries Pat.

>>I did smile but I thought they strayed a little too far in places and could have easily caused offence. Sorry Doggo!!

No need to apologise smokie, I did say nuke it if need be ;)

Funny ole country we live in today though, they were jokes so I posted it in the joke thread, but of course some peeps would be offended by them, just like some Paddy's / Jocks / Taffy's / Essex girls/Blondes / Southerners / Northerners / fat people / thin people / tall people ' shorties etc. are offended by jokes aimed at them.

Bring back Love Thy Neighbour!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_gN7zlpnz8 (DO NOT VIEW IF EASILY OFFENDED)

      1  
New Tue 18 Feb 14 04:57 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
Hard to explain, I found it very funny but felt for some others on here who may not have done because of the content.

That's why it was only 'a little bit' too far!

Email it to WP Dog, he'll love it:)

Pat
Last edited by: Pat on Tue 18 Feb 14 at 04:58
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 07:12 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
>>Email it to WP Dog, he'll love it:)

Erm, I haven't got his email address :)
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 09:13 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >>Email it to WP Dog, he'll love it:)
>>
>> Erm, I haven't got his email address :)
>>

Would a friendly Mod kindly oblige..thank you
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 09:21 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Focusless
I woke up before 5am yesterday morning and couldn't get back to sleep. But I think I was less tired than most of those jokes :)
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 10:16 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - VxFan
>> Would a friendly Mod kindly oblige..thank you

Done
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 11:07 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.
People are too easily offended these days.
We seem to have a new category of people - the "professionally offended at almost anything class".
      1  
New Tue 18 Feb 14 11:15 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
>>People are too easily offended these days.
We seem to have a new category of people - the "professionally offended at almost anything class".

I'm with ^^this^^ geezer [it must be my age] ;)
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 20:12 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> >> Would a friendly Mod kindly oblige..thank you
>>
>> Done
>>

Thank you
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 21:06 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Of course a joke can be both funny and offensive.

Anyone remember the viral VW ad 'Small but tough', with the suicide bomber pressing the button and the explosion being contained within the VW Polo?

Jolly good joke, but pretty offensive.
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 21:10 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmuJVaIitMw

not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 21:21 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?

What's the difference?
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 21:44 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - sherlock47
>> >> not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?
>>
>> What's the difference?
>>
>>

OK, consider me educated! I had never regarded them as synonyms, but a bit of browsing shows that everybody else does :)

I still think that a joke told in a group enviroment, ( for example in a family situation, where values are different for an older generation), could be offensive to others, but not to me, so I would describe it as being in bad taste.
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 22:18 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmuJVaIitMw
>>
>> not sure it is offensive, just bad taste?

Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.


This is bad taste.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLIkjWFNAKI

No particular group or race has been offended, but anyone can be horrified by the sheer gruesomeness of it if they want.


Both sets are hilarious. Offensive and Bad taste can be funny.

Dogs jokes were just boring old tat that Bernard Manning spouted regularly.
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 23:18 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
There's no difference between offensiveness and bad taste. You offend Muslims or bunny-huggers or people of delicate sensibility.

I often avoided Bernard Manning, so one or two of Perro's racist jokes made me snigger.

I wonder what Pat will think of the second SportKa joke.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Tue 18 Feb 14 at 23:20
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 04:12 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
I wondered where that advert had gone. I don't have any problem with it, it's not real, is it?

Pat
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 13:52 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> I don't have any problem with it, it's not real, is it?

If I ever saw a blurry film of a real ginger tom, that's one...

:o}
       
New Tue 18 Feb 14 23:57 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.

>> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.

Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:02 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - legacylad
Am I the only one here who occasionally looks at 'Sickepedia' for the latest crude jokes.
The odd one's I find both clever and hilarious. The majority don't raise a smile.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 10:16 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - VxFan
>> Am I the only one here who occasionally looks at 'Sickepedia'

No you're not. I take a look most days.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:03 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>>
>> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>>
>> Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!

why?
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:42 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Roger.
>> >>
>> >> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>> >>
>> >> Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!
>>
>> why?

So their ridiculous primitive superstitions can be exposed for the delusions which they are.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:54 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> >> >>
>> >> >> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>> >> >>
>> >> >> Some might say that religious groups should be offended - often!
>> >>
>> >> why?
>>
>> So their ridiculous primitive superstitions can be exposed for the delusions which they are.


You can disagree, you can criticise strongly but you don't have the right to offend them. Your view is just another delusion in effect. Gives the right of the religious to offend you in whatever manner they choose as you would to them.


       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:22 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Crankcase

>> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.


This is the old tree, forest, sound, nobody there thing.

Is it offensive because it could offend, as you say, or, as the other side say, is it offensive only if somebody takes offence? And further, they might say, if you yourself don't take offense, then you can't declare it to be so?

I suspect the whole thing is further muddied because the common view of the word and its meanings are now confused with the legal word and its meanings; those two sets might overlap but inevitably won't be a perfect match.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:27 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>>
>> >> Its offensive, because it could offend a religious group.
>>
>>
>> This is the old tree, forest, sound, nobody there thing.

No its not. I know, you know and everyone else knows that if you make jokes about allah a large proportion of the muslim world are going to be offended. Even you can hear that tree crashing down surely?
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:33 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Crankcase
Sure - but it's only offensive if they say it is. In effect, YOU can't find it offensive or declare it to be so unless YOU are offended.

Although I don't know why I'm posting that, because I happen to agree with you, which is partly why I also whinged about Dog's (very poor) jokes but anyway, that's my understanding of the "opposing" view.

Perhaps a proponent of that view might actually take up the cudgels, if I have it right, but now I must do some work.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 08:48 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> Sure - but it's only offensive if they say it is. In effect, YOU can't
>> find it offensive or declare it to be so unless YOU are offended.

People are only offensive because they know the other person will be offended. NO point in being offensive otherwise. One does not need to be told on meeting someone "will be offended by x"

Therefore I can say xxxx is offensive* because I know it will offend yyyyy. Thats nothing to do with being "offended on someone else's behalf" or being "one of the professionally offended" ( a phrase only uttered but the racist biggots to excuse their behaviour)


*I will concede however that some people have no idea on earth where that line stops and expand it well beyond scope. Most normal people however know.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 11:46 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Ambo
In their differing ways Bernard Manning and Liberace were so horrible I couldn't help liking them.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 14:10 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
Manning was a bit of a mixed blessing. Liberace was a damn good piano player, in several styles or at least a couple. He laid on the queer stuff with a trowel to make people laugh.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 14:16 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - devonite
The funniest thing about Dog's jokes are the reactions they have sparked!

I took them in the vein they were intended, a bit of light-hearted humour, if you want to offend anybody and everyone try the jokes that are Adebolajo and Adebowale.
      1  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 14:36 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Who cares if someone is offended or not? As long as what you write or say is not illegal then you have every right to say it, those of us who do take umbradge should just man up a bit and move on.

Free speech is worthless if you have to worry about someone taking offence every time you exercise it.
Last edited by: Robin O'Reliant on Wed 19 Feb 14 at 14:36
      1  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 17:16 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
Perhaps there could be a Dog's jokes thread, where you would be assured that the jokes would likely be racist, sexist, homo-phobic, or just common (or garden) anti-Zionist, where those of a nervous disposition, or have led a sheltered life would be forewarned to avoid, maybe.
      1  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 17:32 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - CGNorwich
Or alternatively you could just comply with the House Rules?
      4  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 17:34 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
More fun pushing them to the limit though, isn't it Perro:)

Pat
      3  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 17:41 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
If you have ever observed primary school children while waiting for your offspring at a school gate or whatever you have surely been amused by their propensity to spend more time arguing about what the rules of a given game should be rather than playing the actual game.

One might reasonably imagine or suppose that adults have usually grown out of that. This thread would apparently seem to disprove that theory however...

;-)
      1  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 18:46 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
I am happily reading a 'Brief History of Swearing' whose main title even wouldn't get past the mods on a bad day. I long to quote from it but can't really.

Zounds! 'Sblood! The bad words come and go. These days racist epithets are among the most offensive... and are nevertheless embraced sometimes by their ostensible targets and worn as a badge of pride, the Y word and N word among others.

I am hoping the author, a sprauncy American lady, will get round to the very bizarre Jamaican canon of menstruation oaths (one of which I have made my password to this site).

Tee hee...
       
New Sun 2 Aug 15 18:09 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> I am hoping the author, a sprauncy American lady, will get round to the very bizarre Jamaican canon of menstruation oaths (one of which I have made my password to this site).

She never did though. I'll have to do it myself. Used to be fluent in that dialect which isn't very demanding to tell the truth.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Sun 2 Aug 15 at 18:09
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 19:26 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Dog
>>More fun pushing them to the limit though, isn't it Perro:)

To be purrfectly honest Pat, this forum reminds me, in many ways, of school, and I see the mods as prefects,

I never did like school, and I didn't much like prefects either.

       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 19:41 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
I say you chaps! Doggo and Patsy-Poo are having a heart-to-heart behind the bike sheds!

Let's climb on the roof and see what they're saying, and then if it's soppy we can pee down on them...

Cave! the Beak's come back from his session with the matron, and he doesn't look at all happy...

Ow! What was that for sir?
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 19:50 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> I say you chaps! Doggo and Patsy-Poo are having a heart-to-heart behind the bike sheds!
>>
>>
>> Let's climb on the roof and see what they're saying, and then if it's soppy
>> we can pee down on them...

Not sure what school you went to AC..but if it was mine, they wouldn't be talking....
      1  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 20:27 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> if it was mine, they wouldn't be talking....

It was like that in one or two of the ones I went to that had girls. Nevertheless adventurous souls of both genders managed forms of social communication. I thought 'behind the bike sheds' would indicate that it wasn't really socially sanctioned... times have changed though.
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 19:49 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> Or alternatively you could just comply with the House Rules?

'Rules were made for the guidance of wise men and the blind obedience of fools'..Sir Douglas Bader
Last edited by: Westpig on Wed 19 Feb 14 at 19:51
      2  
New Wed 19 Feb 14 20:02 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Zero
>> >> Or alternatively you could just comply with the House Rules?
>>
>> 'Rules were made for the guidance of wise men and the blind obedience of fools'..Sir
>> Douglas Bader

The fool that lost his legs because he disobeyed the rules you mean?
       
New Wed 19 Feb 14 20:06 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
No one here seems to have a clue what school was like (I say 'was' because proper schools don't seem to exist any more). It's all very well Perro saying he didn't like it, but I don't suppose he turned up more than one day in three, and probably left early too. I do agree with him about the prefect archetype. Fascist carphounds most of them if not quite all.

I doubt if anyone can beat my score of eight. Two of those were very good indeed, two were more or less useless, and the (two) posh ones were somewhere in the middle but good for one's demeanour in a way.

But I'm not properly educated. For that you need three good schools and a serious attitude. So you don't look a prat, as I did, when by some fluke, with a bit of nudging from connected pedagogues, you get into a decent university.

Even the useless schools were valuable life experience though. Now that the die is cast and I'll never be rich or successful I value those memories.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Wed 19 Feb 14 at 20:08
       
New Thu 20 Feb 14 04:46 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
I went to 13 different schools between starting at 5 and taking my 11 plus...and still passed it!

My Mother had itchy feet and we lived in more tied cottages than you could shake a stick at.

We didn't even get unpacked at one of them.

Pat
       
New Thu 20 Feb 14 09:09 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Westpig
>> I went to 13 different schools between starting at 5 and taking my 11 plus...and
>> still passed it!
>>
>> My Mother had itchy feet and we lived in more tied cottages than you could
>> shake a stick at.
>>
>> We didn't even get unpacked at one of them.
>>

Blimey...that well trumps my 7...one place we lasted 2 weeks.

       
New Thu 20 Feb 14 11:51 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> 13 different schools between starting at 5 and taking my 11 plus...and
>> still passed it!

Wow! Any more after that or did yr mother settle down?
       
New Thu 20 Feb 14 14:38 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Pat
She installed me in an upper school in Peterborough but still moved around the outskirts.

It was too expensive to change my uniform from blue to brown for County Girls School which was just up the road. at that time!

At one stage I cycled 5+ miles to school each day.

It actually did me no harm at all:)

Pat
       
New Sat 22 Feb 14 22:27 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Two wives go on a girls night out. On the way home much the worse for wear they're both busting for a P but there are no toilets open so they hop over the wall of a cemetery and squat behind a couple of gravestones.

Next morning one of the husbands phones the other and says, "That's the last time my wife goes out with yours, she came home with no knickers on". The other one says, "You think you've got problems mate, mine came in with a card stuck to her wotsit saying 'From all the lads at the firestation, we'll never forget you"
      4  
New Sun 23 Feb 14 16:01 
 The terrible olde jokes thread - Haywain
"Two wives………………"

Thanks for that, RoR, I've been sniggering about it all day.
       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 13:52 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
WALLET SCAMS WARNING AT ASDA!!

Whilst packing your shopping away you may be approached by 2 gorgeous 18 year old eastern European girls, in tight tops and short skirts, they clean your windscreen while pressing their tits against it, they ask for a lift to the next ASDA as payment, on the way there they perform oral sex on each other then one climbs in the front and gives you a blow job while the other steals your wallet, I had mine stolen on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and twice on Sunday and again today,

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED BE CAREFUL!!
      1  
New Wed 26 Feb 14 13:52 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
Oh, Poundland sell wallets for 99p each.
       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 14:03 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
Well thats ruined the dramatic impact of that gag then by moving it here


       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 19:20 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - VxFan
Well it was an old joke and also verging on the terrible.
       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 19:40 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - MJM
>>Well it was an old joke and also verging on the terrible.<<

Shouldn't that be virgin on the terrible?
       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 21:12 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Lygonos
No point looking for anything funny on this thread.

The joke is in Zero's pants.
       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 21:33 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Kevin
Made in Thailand XXXL?
       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 21:47 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Zero
don't give up the day jobs guys.
       
New Wed 26 Feb 14 22:59 
 ASDA CAR PARK SCAM - BE WARNED - Kevin
Made in Thailand XXXS?
       
New Thu 13 Mar 14 17:36 
 Came home from school yesterday... - No FM2R
What do you call a Zoo with only one dog?

A shitzu.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Thu 13 Mar 14 at 17:38
       
New Thu 13 Mar 14 20:46 
 Came home from school yesterday... - Roger.
Brill!
       
New Wed 2 Apr 14 13:28 
 Threesome - Westpig
I ended up with an older woman at a pub last night. ...

She looked OK for her age. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I’d ever had a ‘Sportsman’s Double’.

“What’s that?” I asked, thinking maybe a beer and whisky mix.

“A mother and daughter threesome,” she said.

I said “No”, excitedly,...”Never had one of those.”

We drank some more, then she said that tonight was my ‘lucky night’.

So we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs,

“Mum, you still awake?”
       
New Wed 2 Apr 14 13:52 
 Threesome - Dog
Well, well, well, and there's me thinking it was St Ives where all the, um, 'action' takes place.

:}
       
New Wed 2 Apr 14 19:11 
 Threesome - Robin O'Reliant
Bill has a row with his wife about her housekeeping and storms off down the pub with her shouting after him, "And you can sleep in the spare room tonight"

After a few pints he feels a bit guilty because maybe he's being mean to her after all and he makes up his mind to give her an increase. He gets home and the house is in darkness, so he creeps upstairs and as he passes the spare room the door is ajar and he can hear her gently snoozing. With a grin on his face he decides to give her a little treat, so he quietly goes in and sees a soft female form lying face down under the duvet. Down on his knees he gets and starts licking the back of her thigh, working slowly and gently up till he's pleasuring her with his tongue. He hears her giggle then start to purr and moan, before eventually giving an excited gasp and a shudder before sighing and laying still. Giving her a playful slap on the bottom he gets up and says,

"Wait till I get back, if you think that was nice I'm going to give you a seeing to like you've never had before"

With that he leaves the spare room and heads into the bathroom. As he goes in he's astonished to see his wife lying in the bath with a glass of wine and a book and exclaims loudly,

"What the hell...."

She glares at him,

"Shut up you fool, you'll wake your mother. She's come to pay us a visit and she's asleep in the spare room."
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 19 May 14 at 01:33
       
New Wed 2 Apr 14 20:24 
 Dead Duck - Manatee
A woman took her pet duck to the vet's. The vet examined the duck and pronounced it dead.

The lady was clearly distressed and asked for a second opinion. The vet was very understanding, and briefly left the room before returning with a Labrador retriever.

The dog sniffed the duck, licked it and gave it a prod with his paw. Then he looked at the vet and shook his head.

The poor woman would still not accept that her cherished pet was dead.

The vet disappeared again and came back with a tabby cat. The cat pawed the duck a few times, cocked an ear at it, then meowed and shook her head at the vet.

The vet said he was sorry but there was absolutely no doubt that the duck was dead, extinct, deceased, no more, and presented his bill for £150.

The owner was aghast - "£150 to me my duck is dead! That can't be right!"

"Well", said the vet "had you taken my word for it, it would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan..."
      2  
New Wed 2 Apr 14 23:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. See that axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
      1  
New Sat 7 Jun 14 18:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Wyoming. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife; "Notice anything different about me Margie?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope''.

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should have bought a hat, Bert."
       
New Sat 7 Jun 14 21:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

Bit close to home, that...ROR

I was sat by the harbour enjoying an ice-cream when a Jihadist strolled past. I could see the bulges of the explosives under his clothes.

Suddenly he tripped and fell in the water. I rushed over and saw he was in trouble 'cos of the extra weight. I thought " I'm an English gentleman, I can't let him drown " So I contacted the police, fire and ambulance to help. Thinking further, I contacted the coastguard as well.

This was 11 am and no-one had arrived by 4.30pm !





I have the feeling that I've wasted the price of four second class stamps !
       
New Sat 7 Jun 14 21:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
My wife called me a selfish b'sted because I didn't open the car door for her. I was swimming for my life at the time.
       
New Sun 8 Jun 14 12:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
We were invited to dinner by the mother-in-law. She grudgingly served steak. I cut the first bit off and put it in my pocket, before eating the rest. Steely silence from both women. At home - "What's with the steak". I said, "Ahah, she wanted me to choke to death on the first mouthful".
       
New Thu 10 Jul 14 17:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A young engineer was leaving the works office at 3.45 one day , when
he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.

"Listen", said the Acting CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important
document and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly sir" said the young engineer. He switched the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent ", said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need the one copy only".
       
New Thu 31 Jul 14 10:07 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Reminded by another thread:-

There was this painter & decorator, named Arthur Leadbetter, who specialised in commercial work.
One day he was up a particularly great height, painting the OXO sign on the factory.
Unfortunately he slipped and plunged through one of the Os in the sign. He, of course, did not survive.
On his tombstone was inscribed:-

"Here lies the body of Arthur Leadbetter - he went as he came, through a hole in a letter"
Last edited by: Roger. on Thu 31 Jul 14 at 10:08
       
New Mon 22 Sep 14 16:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more. 'You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

      1  
New Mon 22 Sep 14 23:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

Me ole mam's poor old dog died last week. I thought I'd try and cheer her up a bit so after some searching I found her an identical one.

I thought she'd be pleased but she went mad !

"What the hell am I supposed to do with two dead dogs ?" she complained.

You just can't please them....can you ?
       
New Thu 2 Oct 14 12:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.
6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”
7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!
8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.
9. Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”
10. An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.
       
New Thu 2 Oct 14 17:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I've been feeling very depressed lately. It got so bad I phoned the local Samaritans, but they were too busy and transferred me to their Islamic branch. They were extremely sympathetic, but when I told them I was feeling suicidal they got excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
       
New Fri 24 Oct 14 13:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
I see the Queen has sent her first ever tweet today.

Apparently she would have done it first thing this morning, but she was on the throne.
       
New Sun 2 Nov 14 21:07 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said a smug Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."

"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
How did you make out?""

First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the XXXXX is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio
      1  
New Sun 2 Nov 14 22:07 
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
David Beckhams son starts training with the man utd junior team.
On day one they get kitted up and his fellow juniors Ask him what number he will wear on his shirt.
Dunno he says, so goes off to ask the team coach
Who replies
'Wear four out there Romeo''
       
New Wed 5 Nov 14 08:04 
 The terrible old jokes thread - ....
First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."
      1  
New Wed 5 Nov 14 08:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
This one might be a bit "near", but we'll see.

Man goes the Dr and complains he can't get his wife pregnant. So the Dr gives him a jar and asks him to bring back a semen sample in the morning.

The next day, the man goes back, but the jar is empty.

"What happened?", asks the doc.

"Well", says the man...

First I tried with my right hand. Nothing. Then I tried with my left. Still nothing.

So I called the wife in. She tried with her right hand. No go. Then her left. Nope.

So then she tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in and with her teeth out. No go.

Then we called the neighbour in and she tried with her right hand and then her left. Still nothing.

So I'm sorry, Dr, we simply couldn't get the lid off.

Last edited by: Crankcase on Wed 5 Nov 14 at 08:18
       
New Fri 14 Nov 14 18:25 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
The man who invented predictive text died last week.

His funfair is on Sundial.
      5  
New Fri 14 Nov 14 18:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> The man who invented predictive text died last week.
>>
>> His funfair is on Sundial.

My ex boss's motto was 'plagiarise with pride'. The above was to good to miss.....
       
New Fri 14 Nov 14 18:49 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
>>
>> My ex boss's motto was 'plagiarise with pride'. The above was to good to miss.....
>>
Drat, fingered!!

Let's be fair Brompt, few of us make them up ourselves.
       
New Fri 14 Nov 14 20:06 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped...
Then, he spoke... 'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'

Courtesy of the FJ /R Owners Club Fast Journal
       
New Fri 14 Nov 14 20:08 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees a bloke that she had met in a pub the previous evening. He was stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
"You liar" she yells,
"Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot."
"No" he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

Courtesy of the FJ /R Owners Club Fast Journal
      2  
New Fri 14 Nov 14 22:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
A friend of mine calls his ex wife 'the hand grenade'.

Once the ring goes you lose half the flippin' house
      1  
New Tue 18 Nov 14 19:00 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
For anyone who is starting to think of Christmas present ideas for the younger members of the family there's a superb offer on the latest Barbie boxed set.

It's called "Divorced Barbie"

You only pay for the doll but you also get free of charge, Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat...
       
New Fri 21 Nov 14 11:26 
 The terrible old jokes thread - R.P.
Oh dear Humph....sounds bad. ;-)
       
New Fri 21 Nov 14 10:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Two elderly gentlemen sitting on a park bench.

!st " At our age what would you rather have, Parkinson's or Alzheimer's ?"

2nd " Parkinson's ! Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle !"
       
New Sun 23 Nov 14 12:26 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.

      2  
New Sun 23 Nov 14 12:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
This is true but some may be amused. My youngest descendant, 6 and super-cute, spotted the horrible graunch on the n/s rear quarter of the jalopy, and asked herself what had caused it.

'Grandfather accidentally scraped it against the deer fence, darling.' Short pause.

'Did he say the F word?'

Heh heh... only about 50 times... but herself didn't admit it to the nipper, just changed the subject.

       
New Sun 23 Nov 14 19:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Mick: "Didn't you once tell me you had an uncle?"

Pat: "Sure, I have an uncle"

Mick: "Where is he now, is he still living?"

Pat: "No, he fell through a trap door and broke his neck"

Mick: "He was building a house"?

Pat: "No, they were hanging him"
       
New Wed 17 Dec 14 10:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
To my friends and family,

With Christmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Merry Christmas,
       
New Wed 17 Dec 14 15:23 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

Poor quality Christmas joke.....

There was a huge meeting of chess enthusiasts at a local hotel. They played several games and when the play was over they congregated in the hotel reception and were bragging about their skills on the chessboard.

Thge noise got louder and louder and other customers were getting annoyed.

At the height of the noise, the organizer stood up and shouted ' Shut up..all of you ! '....





...........' If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer ! '
       
New Wed 17 Dec 14 15:50 
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
The dyslexic devil worshipper..............................................sold his soul to Santa.
Last edited by: bathtub tom on Wed 17 Dec 14 at 15:51
       
New Wed 17 Dec 14 15:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation: "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke: "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.

       
New Tue 23 Dec 14 22:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted
William Tell and his son were reckoned to be great cricketers....especially bowling.

Sadly, all records were lost in a fire so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled !
      2  
New Wed 24 Dec 14 01:25 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Love that second one Ted.
      1  
New Sat 27 Dec 14 12:53 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
With the Christmas and New Year festive holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with all my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with some friends and had several beers followed by some rather nice shots to round off the night.

Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I might be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block but, since it was a taxi, they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This turned out to be a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before; I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.
       
New Sat 27 Dec 14 13:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted
I had a chippy meal the other night, As I came out of the chippy with my fish, large sausage, double chips, peas and barm cake a tramp approached me, shivering and with pleading eyes.

He told me he'd not eaten for several days.

I told him that I really wished I had his willpower !...Especially at Christmas !
       
New Sun 4 Jan 15 17:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

So the wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."

The wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park....", then the electric power went out.

The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
      2  
New Sun 4 Jan 15 23:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
I used to be a warewolf,














but I am cured nowwwwwwwwwwwwww!
       
New Sun 1 Feb 15 10:26 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No .... ," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible ........ !" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the Rugby World and not use it ...... ?

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me.
My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married .........

"Oh . . .. I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat ...... ?"

The man shakes his head .. . .,
"No ...... . They're all at the funeral."


       
New Sun 1 Feb 15 11:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
Nice one! The great Max Boyce turned it into a monologue 30-odd years ago.
       
New Sun 1 Feb 15 11:36 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
He told monologues that were 30 years long.
       
New Sun 1 Feb 15 11:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in
your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...
      3  
New Sun 1 Feb 15 13:15 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Slidingpillar
This is slightly out of place since it's not a joke but a true story. Many years ago, I lived in Hamilton, Lanarkshire, and needed to get to Edinburgh without using a car since I was picking one up from there. To do that trip, I first had to go by rail to Glasgow, and from there, I could catch a train to Edinburgh.

On the train to Edinburgh, I was sat opposite a group of older women. One lady opened her mouth when the train started moving, and talked both continuously and loudly. After about an hour, she complained of a pain in her throat.

I really don't know how I resisted saying, "if you shut up a bit, your throat would hurt less"

Fullchat's joke reminded me of this incident.
       
New Fri 13 Feb 15 22:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - MD
I got cream for that you should have told her..
       
New Sun 1 Feb 15 21:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike H
A young girl rushes into a police station in tears, yelling "Help, help, I've been graped!".

The duty officer says to her, "Don't you mean raped?".

"No", she says, "there was a bunch of them".
       
New Thu 5 Feb 15 10:00 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
An old man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of the morning.

He replied, “I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.

The sceptical officer asked, “Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?". He replied, “My wife.”
       
New Fri 13 Feb 15 15:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Scottish Blood Donor

A Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Sheikh.
After the surgery, the Sheikh sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars.
A couple of days later, the Sheikh had to go through a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.
After the second surgery, the Sheikh sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Sheikh did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Sheikh and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Sheikh replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".



       
New Mon 16 Feb 15 16:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
The inhabitants of Genoa have the reputation of being cunning and mean. A Genovese widow wanted to announce the death of her husband in the local paper. To spare herself unnecessary expense, she asked just for the insertion "Mario died". The clerk pointed out that the minimum charge covered six words, so she could have four more for the same price. She thought for a moment, then asked him to add, "Fiat Uno for sale".

      1  
New Wed 25 Feb 15 17:10 
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bug ger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.
Last edited by: bathtub tom on Wed 25 Feb 15 at 17:11
      1  
New Tue 3 Mar 15 11:08 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner.


"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says.


The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken".
       
New Wed 4 Mar 15 14:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
General de Gaulle was known for his pomposity. One night he made ceremonial love to Mme. de Gaulle. At the climax she called out "Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu!"

He said graciously, "At such times, Cherie, you may call me Mon General".
       
New Wed 4 Mar 15 15:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
I hope this is not too rude:

Freddy owned a box of tin soldiers.
He dismissed his generals,
He threw out his captains,
And he sacked his sergeants and corporals.
But he really enjoyed playing with his privates.
      1  
New Wed 4 Mar 15 16:53 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
I think we can live with that!!
       
New Sat 14 Mar 15 11:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'
       
New Sat 14 Mar 15 12:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread - crocks
>> 'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'

Was it Harleyman's latest post that reminded you of that joke?
       
New Sat 14 Mar 15 12:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
>> >> 'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'
>>
>> Was it Harleyman's latest post that reminded you of that joke?
>>
It was :-)
Last edited by: henry k on Sat 14 Mar 15 at 12:48
       
New Fri 20 Mar 15 20:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.
       
New Fri 27 Mar 15 20:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Just seen this one posted elsewhere -

To:
Mr. James Smith,
206 Andover Road,
Salisbury,
Wiltshire.

Dear Mr. Smith,

Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.
I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.
In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours sincerely,
Charles Knight,
Light Entertainment,
BBC Television Centre,
London
      2  
New Wed 22 Apr 15 22:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - swiss tony
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's surgery and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said.
'Your finger is broken.'
       
New Thu 23 Apr 15 00:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Good news for Liverpool fans is that Brendan Rodgers has successfully managed to win his team a place in a major European competition next season despite their recent setbacks.

All he has to do now is write the song.
       
New Fri 1 May 15 08:55 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
HOW MANY FORUM POSTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb forum.

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that Nick Clegg isn't the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Finally, one to stand up for light bulb changers' rights and condemn the unequal distribution of light bulbs caused by the capitalist system.
       
New Fri 1 May 15 09:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
you forgot about the member who will blame the tory cuts for the failure of the light bulb and explain how if the miners had still been digging coal the power would have been much more stable.

Then there is the member who will moan that he can't buy the exact same replacement lightbulb, blame the EU, and claim global warming is a myth.

Then you will get the member who will complain that the bulb was changed by a minimum wage immigrant, undercutting a home grown worker, despite the fact the last time he tried to get a sparks to do the job he was told to eft off and do it himself.

The management guru member will come on and say the bulb was time served anyway and should have been culled because it was not fit for the job

There will be a row between members one of who is saying the bulb should be a different make and bought from miles away, ignoring the bulb shop next door.

Lastly will be the member who will claim he bought the best brightest most long-lasting lightbulb in the world from his best mate and its never ever going to blow.
      1  
New Fri 1 May 15 12:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....
      4  
New Fri 1 May 15 12:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
If it had been yesterday afternoon in London he would have died of boredom anyway...
       
New Fri 1 May 15 13:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Thumbs down from me Dog - not nice, joke or no.
       
New Fri 1 May 15 16:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
No worries Cc, if I'd thought the 'joke' through properly before posting it, I wouldn't have done so.

Anyway guv, I've made a batch of www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/4622/classic-scones-with-jam-and-clotted-cream 'served' with Rodda's clotted cream & St Dalfour strawberry jam so, just for you, um gonna go and have another one.

:}
       
New Sun 17 May 15 18:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> not nice, joke or no.

Most if not all jokes have a cruel heartless side. Surely you must have noticed that by now Crankers. 'Nice' doesn't come into it.
       
New Sat 2 May 15 17:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Have you had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers now.
       
New Wed 6 May 15 09:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
New scam - beware - You Have Been Warned.!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to you as you are packing your purchases into the back of your car. They both have battery powered car vacuums and start vacuuming the inside of your vehicle, cleaning the inside of your windshield with a cloth and aerosol, with their breasts almost falling out of their blouses.

It is impossible not to look at them. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride into town . You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, breasts everywhere, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the15th, 17th, 20th, the 24th and 29th. Also on April 1st and 2nd, twice on the 3rd, 16th, 23rd, three times last Monday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
       
New Wed 6 May 15 10:06 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Happened to Zero too.

www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?t=728&m=371473&v=e

;)
       
New Wed 6 May 15 11:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
>>Happened to Zero too.

www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?t=728&m=371473&v=e

Yoo've got a damn good mammary there guvnor ;)
       
New Wed 6 May 15 10:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero

>> I had my wallet stolen on March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the15th, 17th, 20th,
>> the 24th and 29th. Also on April 1st and 2nd, twice on the 3rd, 16th,
>> 23rd, three times last Monday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

You forgot to add that the 99p shop does a very good line in wallets. get them in boxes of 10
      1  
New Thu 14 May 15 09:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
NAMING A DOG!

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover, Tommy and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of
A fellow, who thought he'd be cute and named his dog " Sex "?
It goes like this:

"One day 'Sex' and I, took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent
Hours looking for that dog.
A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at
Midnight? I told him I was looking for 'Sex'.
My case comes up next Tuesday."

"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to
Get a dog license for 'Sex'.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for 'Sex'.
He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had 'Sex' since I was 5, he said, “You must have
Been an early bloomer."

"When I decided to get married, I told the Priest I wanted to have
'Sex' at the wedding.
He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested
That 'Sex' had played a big part in my life and that my whole life
Revolved around 'Sex', and I am going to have ‘Sex’ at the wedding he said he will
Have to declare the church ‘out of bounds’ for me forever.

"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the
Honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a
Room for my wife and wanted one for 'Sex'.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't
Understand. 'Sex' keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.'

"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
The dog. When I told the Judge I had 'Sex' before I was married, he
Grinned and said, “ Me. Too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more
Trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling.

My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said
'Sex' has died
And left my life. It's like losing a best friend and
I'm so lonely,' I
Told him.

He said, “Look, you and I both know that 'sex' isn't man's best friend.
Get yourself a dog."
       
New Fri 15 May 15 18:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - sooty123
Ed Miliband returns from Ibiza.

New gravel driveway.

"Is... Is that the...?"

"Yes, Ed. It is."
       
New Fri 15 May 15 22:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
      2  
New Sat 16 May 15 00:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball,

a game which in civilized countries is played by little girls and called by its proper name, 'Rounders'.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK

if there's anyone who hasn't been murdered who has the slightest idea.
Last edited by: Armel Coussine on Sat 16 May 15 at 00:50
       
New Sat 16 May 15 11:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
You will also be required to ban any women over size 12 from wearing white trousers ( look that up if need be )

You will keep your voices down when in public, especially when in Europe instead of sounding like a gaggle of garden strimmers.

It will no longer be permitted to smother cheese on other random hot food products

Whooping at public speakers or musical performances will become an imprisonable offence.

Not only will baseball be banned, but the wearing of baseball caps will be regarded as an act of public indecency.

       
New Sat 16 May 15 14:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
You must also understand that golf balls are inanimate objects and as such are unable to hear anything you tell them. Thus shouting "Get in the hole" after a player has made his putting stroke is not necessary, irritating to everyone else and will be banned.



       
New Sat 16 May 15 14:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Our language is called "English". If you wish to speak it, then we will tell you how to speak it.

If you wish to speak a language of your own, and in your own way, then call it American.

There is no such comprise language as "American English".
       
New Sat 16 May 15 15:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
>>Whooping at public speakers or musical performances will become an imprisonable offence<<

Especially when indulged in at the Metropolitan Opera House, New York (City - as you always add). We Saturday evening Radio 3 listeners find it gets right up our noses.
       
New Sat 16 May 15 19:50 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
Not understanding what a tea towel is. My daughter discovered this behaviour when she took a token present to a friend.
       
New Sat 16 May 15 20:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
Similarly, don't excuse yourself by going outside for a fag and I still don't know what they put in a fanny bag!
       
New Sat 16 May 15 20:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
>> I still don't know what they put in a fanny bag!
Wiki lists some.
       
New Sat 16 May 15 21:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
>> >> I still don't know what they put in a fanny bag!
>> Wiki lists some.

The only place you will find a bum is sleeping on the sidewalk
       
New Sat 16 May 15 21:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
I'm fairly sure that there's one in the White house
Last edited by: No FM2R on Sat 16 May 15 at 21:21
      1  
New Sun 17 May 15 18:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
There's just no pleasing women.

I booked a table for two to take Mrs SJ out for her birthday celebration. Far from being pleased she got the right hump, threw her cue down and stormed out.
      2  
New Mon 18 May 15 08:35 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Archeologists digging under a pyramid in Egypt have discovered a new mummy.
Always exciting times, however this one is covered in chocolate and nuts ...

It is believed to be Pharoah Rocher!
       
New Fri 22 May 15 11:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"This is Unit 12...we need to talk to the Sarge."

"This is the shift supervisor, go ahead."

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."
       
New Fri 29 May 15 10:21 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
      1  
New Wed 10 Jun 15 20:21 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey.

Acknowledgements to Niece No. 5, Age 6.
      1  
New Wed 10 Jun 15 20:39 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
That triggers the memory of...


Yorkshireman: (to vet) Mi' cat's poorly, can tha 'ave a look at it?

Vet: Is it a tom?

Yorkshireman: Nar, Ah've browt it wi' mi!
      3  
New Thu 11 Jun 15 15:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
The Yorkshireman with the poorly cat also had a dog. Sadly it died.

As he had been so fond of the dog he decided to get a gold statuette made as a memorial.

Yorkshireman (to jeweller) : 'Ere's a photo, can tha mek 'im aht'a gowld?

Jeweller: Eighteen carat?

Yorkshireman: Nay, that'ud be daft! But 'im chowin' a bone 'ud be awreet!
       
New Thu 11 Jun 15 08:10 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
>>Acknowledgements to Niece No. 5, Age 6.

I actually didn't get that for about 30 seconds. Excellent and going in Crankcase's Big Book of Plagiarism.

I didn't write it.
Last edited by: Crankcase on Thu 11 Jun 15 at 08:11
       
New Thu 11 Jun 15 14:08 
 The terrible old jokes thread - neiltoo
I was absolutely disgusted by what happened on the beach yesterday. There was a bloke and his wife having a huge argument in front of the kids. Eventually the man started beating up the wife. Anyway, someone must have called the police because a policeman arrived. He tried to intervene but in the end he had to drew his truncheon. Unfortunately, the man was so angry he managed to get hold of the truncheon and attacked the policeman as well. The whole thing was terrifying.




Then a crocodile stole the sausages.
      1  
New Thu 11 Jun 15 16:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
www.flickr.com/photos/125140832@N05/18708391825/in/dateposted-public/
       
New Thu 11 Jun 15 16:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
My friend was in a similar situation some years ago when his much-loved twin pet monkeys contracted some sort of virus and died suddenly.
He took them to the local taxidermist, who told him it would be no problem at all to stuff them. The taxidermist said 'would you like them mounted'?
My friend said 'No, no, just holding hands will be fine'.

Incidentally, some years ago the father of one of my trainee reporters was a member of a group of amateur taxidermists in South Wales. Because professional taxidermy is no longer a common craft in the UK (unlike in France...) they were contracted to stuff a young giraffe and he had to remove part of his garage roof so the job could be done. This is absolutely true.
       
New Thu 18 Jun 15 16:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Young Paddy invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Paddy's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between young Paddy and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Paddy volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Paddy saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?'

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Paddy.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PADDY



Several days later, Paddy received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE,
BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MAM.
       
New Wed 24 Jun 15 08:24 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because in response to question 4 ,

"Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in parliament and the whole of the European Commission."

They said this was not an acceptable answer! So, who did I miss out?
       
New Thu 25 Jun 15 09:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes.

The asylum seeker says I'm hungry. (POW) a huge banquet appears!

He then says now I want a nice house. (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears.

He then says I want to be British. (POW) everything vanishes!

He asks where has everything gone?

The fairy says you're British now mate, you're entitled to f--- all.
      1  
New Fri 26 Jun 15 20:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
FOR THE ATTENTION OF ALL MG ENTHUSIASTS:

The website "X Rated Midgets" is a complete waste of time. It contains no useful tuning tips whatsoever.
      1  
New Mon 6 Jul 15 21:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
Two prawns called Tom and Christian are bemoaning their lot at the lower end of the food chain. You know what says Tom, I wish I was a great white shark. At exactly that moment a mysterious shoal of cod appears and one grants his wish. Christian, scared on being eaten immediately scarpers.

For similar reasons none of Tom's other friends or his family want anything to do with him. After a month or two he decides being a shark's not all it's cracked up to be and goes off in search of the mysterious shoal. Eventually he finds them and his wish to be a crustacean again is granted.

As fast as he can he swims back home and seeks out his friend who immediately quivers with fright at sound of his voice.

It's alright says Tom - I found cod and I'm a prawn again Christian.
      1  
New Tue 7 Jul 15 00:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - ....
Do you ever feel down? Like the job you do is pointless?
Spare a thought for the poor soul who fits indicators to a BMW.
      2  
New Sat 8 Aug 15 00:42 
 The terrible old jokes thread - ....
>> Do you ever feel down? Like the job you do is pointless?
>> Spare a thought for the poor soul who fits indicators to a BMW.
>>
It would appear this is wrong , the person who now has the most pointless job in the world is the person applying sun cream to the Australian 2015 Ashes batsmen.
       
New Tue 7 Jul 15 11:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
One psychiatrist to another: "How am I today?"
       
New Wed 8 Jul 15 17:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him: "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head and replied: "It kills fleas and ticks for up three months".
       
New Thu 9 Jul 15 13:25 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
I let my wife take me out for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?"
I said,..... "Go on then, put it into 4th gear."
       
New Thu 9 Jul 15 16:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Fullchat
It has just been announced they are re printing the Euro. It is going to be printed on Greece proof paper.
      1  
New Thu 9 Jul 15 16:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
These aren't all good, but one or two are. I was sent them all at once and post them for what they're worth.



>
> Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.
>
> Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they’re about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"
>
> "Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
>
> "Medicine for rheumatism?"
>
> "Definitely," he says.
>
> "How about Viagra?"
>
> "Of course."
>
> "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
>
> "Yes, the works."
>
> "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
>
> "Absolutely."
>
> "Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
>
> "All speeds and sizes."
>
> "Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We’d like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
>
>
>
> old couple
>
> A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
> Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
>
> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
> 'Sure..'
> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
> 'No, I can remember it..'
> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
>
> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
>
>
> Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:
>
> BFF: Best Friend Fainted
> BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
> CBM: Covered by Medicare
> FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
> LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
> GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
>
>
> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great, I would recommend it very highly.'
> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
> The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
> You know, he one that's red and has thorns.'
> 'Do you mean a rose?'
> 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
>
> old couple
>
>
> An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
> "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
>
> Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
> "I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."
>
>
> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
> 'Because she can still drive!'
>
>
>
> Three old guys are out walking.
> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer!'
>
>
>
>
> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
>
>
> And just one more. . .
>
>
> A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
>
>
> Now, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!!

      1  
New Thu 9 Jul 15 17:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like its cheques.



My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
       
New Fri 10 Jul 15 08:44 
 Greek Jokes - Zero
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could also build this place.’

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.

When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’

The Spaniard replied: No?
       
New Tue 14 Jul 15 15:57 
 Pinko! - Roger.
www.palmyria.co.uk/humour/ipu.htm
       
New Fri 17 Jul 15 16:40 
 Little Johnny - Dog
was playing with something in the road, and his local priest came up to him and said "Hello little Johnny what are you playing with?" Little Johnny said "Sulphuric Acid."
Father Walsh said "you mustn't play with that, it's dangerous."
Little Johnny said "I don't tell you not to play with holy water."
Father Walsh said " No, because holy water is good.
The other day I put holy water on a pregnant woman's tummy and she passed a baby boy."
"That's nothing" Little johnny said "The other day I put Sulphuric Acid on my dogs nuts and he passed a Ferrari.
       
New Tue 11 Aug 15 13:49 
 Little Johnny - Ambo
Two psychiatrists were walking down the road when a passer-by called out, "Good morning!" One psychiatrist to the other, "I wonder what he meant by that?"
       
New Wed 12 Aug 15 08:04 
 Behaviour in public - Falkirk Bairn
Saw this yesterday and wondered what your opinion was.

Quote from letters in DT yesterday

Sometimes I despair of the society in which we live and how standards of behaviour have deteriorated - I do not envy the police, who have to deal with it.

Yesterday, it being a pleasant afternoon, I visited a small seaside town not far from where I live. After a pub-lunch, I took a wee stroll along the seafront and I saw a man and a woman, who had pitched a tent on the beach, having an almighty argument in front of a number of children. The screeching and shouting were almost unintelligible but as far as I could make out, the row seemed to be over what they were going to have for dinner.

Suddenly the woman smacked the man in the head, then it all kicked off and while they were giving it laldy, some concerned onlooker must have called the police. Just one policeman turned up on his own and tried to calm things down, but this only served to enrage the man further and he started shouting threats and became increasingly violent. Eventually the policeman was forced to draw his baton to defend himself but after a struggle, the man managed to snatch it from him and used it to attack both the hapless bobby and the woman.

Then amidst the confusion, from out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all their sausages.
      2  
New Wed 12 Aug 15 08:06 
 Behaviour in public - Crankcase
Love the punch line.
       
New Wed 12 Aug 15 08:09 
 Behaviour in public - sooty123
An old one that, seen it done before quite a few times.
       
New Wed 12 Aug 15 09:34 
 Behaviour in public - Cliff Pope
>> , I took a wee stroll along the seafront


Standards in public are appalling nowadays, but not helped by the closure of public conveniences.
      1  
New Thu 13 Aug 15 11:45 
 Behaviour in public - Dog
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I 'm in trouble again, and I don 't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

I told her. She fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
       
New Fri 14 Aug 15 09:12 
 US Presidential Election. - Roger.
Monica Lewinsky has announced that she will not be voting for Hillary Clinton if Ms. Clinton is the Democratic candidate in the next election.

She said "The last Clinton administration left a bad taste in my mouth"
       
New Wed 19 Aug 15 11:40 
 How old is grandma? - Dog
Some education for our kids and grandkids!!! (I have seen similar before but it is still incredible when you see the changes in a brief period of time).



Read this to the end. The answer to the question may surprise you/






How Old is grandma?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.
The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
• television
• penicillin
• polio shots
• frozen foods
• Xerox
• contact lenses
• Frisbees and
• the pill

There were no:
• credit cards
• laser beams or
• ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:
• pantyhose
• air conditioners
• dishwashers
• clothes dryers
• and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
• man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -not purchasing condominiums.


We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
• "grass" was mowed,
• "coke" was a cold drink,
• "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
• "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
• "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
• "chip" meant a piece of wood,
• "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
• "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
How old do you think I am?







I bet you have this old lady in mind. You are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?????




This woman would be only 63 years old, Born in 1952. [The same year as me!!]
       
New Wed 19 Aug 15 11:46 
 How old is grandma? - Alanovich
What? There was no telly before 1952? Or Yoghurt?

What a load of old cobblers.
       
New Wed 19 Aug 15 12:00 
 How old is grandma? - Crankcase
Yeah, that doesn't work at all, does it. She needs to be about 15 years older than that to get somewhere near, I reckon.

From wikipedia:

"The first electric typewriter was produced by the Blickensderfer Manufacturing Company, of Stamford, Connecticut, in 1902."

Last edited by: Crankcase on Wed 19 Aug 15 at 12:02
       
New Wed 19 Aug 15 12:12 
 How old is grandma? - Alanovich
To say nothing of the phrase 'Boston Marriage'.

Usual Christian-tinged, right wing, sepia-tined, American nostalgia rubbish. People seriously believe there weren't any "gays" before about 1960, and even if there were it's some kind of good thing that they had no rights. Laughable.

This is the sort of crud my credulous, Canadian, evangelical born-again relatives spam me with in emails. Relatives. Ugh. Withnail had it right about them.

Edit

Wiki: "The McDonald brothers opened their first restaurant adjacent to the Monrovia Airport in 1937"
Last edited by: Alanović on Wed 19 Aug 15 at 12:13
      1  
New Wed 19 Aug 15 12:14 
 How old is grandma? - R.P.
Like the Australian Immigration stories. Half are rubbish, all forget that the policies are being implemented by people who were generally immigrants themselves to the country during the last 200 years.
       
New Wed 19 Aug 15 12:32 
 How old is grandma? - Robin O'Reliant
Having lived through the same past as the character in the story I was glad to see the back of it.
       
New Wed 19 Aug 15 12:39 
 How old is grandma? - Focusless
>> In my day:
>> • "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
>> This woman would be only 63 years old, Born in 1952.

If 'my day' = 20 years old... no rock music in 1972?
       
New Wed 19 Aug 15 12:53 
 How old is grandma? - No FM2R
Clearly the "story" is total dross, but just out of interest... (from Wikipedia)

television - 1926
penicillin - 1928
polio shots - 1952
frozen foods - 1924
Xerox - 1941
Contact lenses - 1887
Frisbees - 1957
the pill - 1957
credit cards - 1949
laser beams - 1955
ball-point pens - 1938
pantyhose - 1959
air conditioners - 1902
dishwashers - 1886
clothes dryers - 1803
Pizza Hut - 1958
McDonalds - 1955
Typewriter - 1902
Last edited by: No FM2R on Wed 19 Aug 15 at 12:55
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 10:36 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Focusless
Shouldn't be old, but seems like an appropriate place for this year's 10 best Fringe jokes (allegedly, and I think no. 8 should be no. 1):

1. "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2. "Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge backside ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3. "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4. "What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5. "If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6. "Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7. "Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8. "The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9. "Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10. "They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927
Last edited by: VxFan on Wed 11 Sep 19 at 10:36
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 10:37 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - No FM2R
I'd go for 7)
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 10:45 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - VxFan
No.4 should be No.1
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 11:15 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Dog
No.9 duzzit fer me.
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 11:19 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Bromptonaut
10.
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 13:12 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Armel Coussine
I like jokes including most of these. But I don't get no 10. Is it an age thing or what?
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 13:35 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Manatee
>> I like jokes including most of these. But I don't get no 10. Is it
>> an age thing or what?

Took me a while, but the joke of course is that she usually dreams that she is naked in an exam that she hasn't revised for...
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 13:19 
 Fringe top 10 jokes - Alanovich
>> No.4 should be No.1

+1
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 16:09 
 For parents of school aged children! - Roger.
i115.photobucket.com/albums/n297/penfro/Public/971953_529894357082934_788172472_n_zps0u1vesua.jpg

(link to my Photobucket - public - album)
       
New Tue 25 Aug 15 16:22 
 For parents of school aged children! - MD
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

       
New Thu 27 Aug 15 10:09 
 For parents of school aged children! - Dog
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, Double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind Of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert, Don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, Ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, When suddenly a machine gun opens up, And Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees...


Ees

Ees... A ham bush!"
       
New Thu 27 Aug 15 10:26 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Two Irishmen, Paddy and Shane, are out looking for work and they see a sign near a forest saying Tree Fellers Wanted.
"That's a shame" says Shane, "if only Mick was here we could apply for them jobs."

Anyway Paddy and Shane soon get jobs working at the local sawmill.

One day, Shane slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Shane. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Shane out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Shane slips and severs his leg on another ****** big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Shane off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, there's Shane out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And within a couple of day Shane comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a few days he has another accident and this time severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Shane to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Shane is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey ******* put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".


       
New Wed 2 Sep 15 20:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
One morning a mother was trying hard to wake up her son.

"Wake up now! It's the first day of school. You don't want to be late."

"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.

His mother said: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Not good enough," the mother replied.

"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."

"One, you're 52 years old. Two, you're the headmaster."
      1  
New Thu 3 Sep 15 18:24 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Well, perhaps you had to be there. None made me laugh. I smiled at only one, number 26. A couple invoked an internal grimace, or possibly an inaudible snort, and a whole bunch I didn't understand at all.

Your mileage, etc.

www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/edinburgh-festival/edinburgh-fringe-2015-the-50-best-jokes-10476941.html
       
New Thu 3 Sep 15 18:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
>>Your mileage, etc.

Not much.


I smiled at 10.
       
New Fri 11 Sep 15 09:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they
agreed on it.

After about six weeks, his father said "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

The father replied quite smartly ,"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
      1  
New Tue 15 Sep 15 08:36 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week!!..


       
New Fri 18 Sep 15 10:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I have just farted so loudly and for so long that my voice recognition software wrote a Daily Mail column.
      1  
New Mon 21 Sep 15 16:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Not an old joke particularly: it's pictorial (NOT POLITICAL) and it made me laugh!

i115.photobucket.com/albums/n297/penfro/Public/12011404_854533161329152_4689737565744644783_n_zpsr8d5pgqn.jpg
Last edited by: Roger. on Mon 21 Sep 15 at 16:42
       
New Thu 24 Sep 15 16:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
An old Dr. Geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Specialist treatment for £500. If not cured, you get back £1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old Dr.Geezer didn't know beans about modern medicine, thought this would
be a great opportunity to make a quick £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! -- That's Petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young is annoyed and returns after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- That's Petrol"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young (after having lost £1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything“ he complains.
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £1000 back." (giving him a £10 note).
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500.
       
New Thu 1 Oct 15 13:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "But a man is sitting on the well!"
       
New Thu 1 Oct 15 17:23 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you!

You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the Swiss guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the heck's that on the balcony with Colin?"
       
New Thu 1 Oct 15 17:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Colin was also supposed to be friends with Bill Clinton but I don't think anyone would swallow that!
       
New Thu 1 Oct 15 18:42 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
>> Colin was also supposed to be friends with Bill Clinton but I don't think anyone
>> would swallow that!
>>

Someone did!
       
New Thu 1 Oct 15 22:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

He did splash out on a new dress for Monica !
       
New Fri 2 Oct 15 09:55 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
That's a stain on her character!
       
New Fri 2 Oct 15 17:43 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
'Talk dirty to me,' she begged. 'Alright,' he said, leaning closer, 'Volkswagen diesel . .'
       
New Mon 12 Oct 15 10:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
>>>'Talk dirty to me,' she begged. 'Alright,' he said, leaning closer, 'Volkswagen diesel . .'

Thanks for this. I told it at a military wedding. It went down a bomb.
      1  
New Mon 12 Oct 15 11:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Boom, boom! :-)
       
New Mon 5 Oct 15 08:49 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Haywain
Polite request to mods .....

Can we have a fresh volume, please? This takes ages to scroll through.
       
New Mon 5 Oct 15 10:10 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
>> Polite request to mods .....
>>
>> Can we have a fresh volume, please? This takes ages to scroll through.
>>


I don't get it!?






:-)
      5  
New Mon 5 Oct 15 10:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
>> >>
>> I don't get it!?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> :-)
>>
I think it's some sort of sophisticated pun.
       
New Fri 9 Oct 15 15:05 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
A Photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a huge forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to take him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just 1 hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna aircraft was waiting at the start of the runway. He jumped in with all his equipment and shouted "Let's go!".

The tense man sitting in the Pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, although flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire!", instructed the photographer, "and make several low passes".

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer and photographers take pictures!"

The pilot replied "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
      1  
New Sun 11 Oct 15 22:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house.
      1  
New Wed 14 Oct 15 16:21 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages ... but I fear the wurst.
       
New Sun 18 Oct 15 15:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.


In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your mate will die a violent death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stared back at the old woman's lined face ... then at the single flickering candle ... then down at her shaking hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced.
A question forced its way out - she simply had to know!
Meeting the Fortune Teller's gaze and trying very hard to steady her voice, she whispered quietly, "Will I be acquitted?”
      1  
New Fri 23 Oct 15 20:40 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
www.facebook.com/JamsPlay/videos/1086411381371056/?fref=nf
Facebook link, FAIL video.
       
New Tue 27 Oct 15 08:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
Doctor: You've got Tom Jones Syndrome
Patient: Is it common?
Doctor: It's not Unusual
       
New Tue 27 Oct 15 11:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Catholic Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're in my side".
       
New Sat 31 Oct 15 08:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
An elderly West Sussex man is stopped by the Police around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The Police officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The old man replies, "That would be my wife."
       
New Mon 2 Nov 15 08:32 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Far away in the tropical waters of Australia, two prawns were swimming around in the sea -
one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark,
then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

Just as Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says,
"Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck.

Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,
"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."...(wait for it).

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".
      1  
New Thu 5 Nov 15 09:07 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> Far away in the tropical waters of Australia, two prawns were swimming around in the
>> sea -
>> one called Justin and the other called Christian.

>> ...."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian".
>>

Ahem! www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?v=e&t=728&m=445140

       
New Thu 5 Nov 15 09:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
>>Ahem! www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?v=e&t=728&m=445140

So my five year older sister pointed out to me. Good joke though :)
       
New Tue 3 Nov 15 08:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I"ll be making pasta."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he"s got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
      1  
New Wed 4 Nov 15 13:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
It's the way I tell 'em ...

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with ‘tor’ that eat things.
The first little boy says, “Alligator.”
“Very good, that’s a big word.”
The second boy says, “Predator.”
“Yes, that’s another big word. Well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator, Miss.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.”
“Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!!.....
      1  
New Wed 4 Nov 15 14:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Breaking news -
A cement mixer has just collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals!
       
New Wed 4 Nov 15 16:08 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question. "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!" "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
       
New Wed 4 Nov 15 19:50 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
       
New Thu 5 Nov 15 08:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Teacher asks for a sentence using the word contagious.
Little Mary says "I can't play with my cousin right now as she has measles and me mum says it's very contagious"
Very good says teacher, how about you young Paddy?
He thinks for a moment and says "Me neighbour is painting his house white, he's using a 2 inch brush and me Dah sez it'll take the contagious"
       
New Mon 9 Nov 15 15:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 pm. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 pm. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love - which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!
       
New Mon 9 Nov 15 20:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday..

He was caught in a trap.
       
New Thu 12 Nov 15 13:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Its no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority in particular, so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, An Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, An American, a south African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.

The bouncer said "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
      3  
New Thu 12 Nov 15 13:44 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Alanovich
Two kiwis? Any particular reason?
       
New Thu 12 Nov 15 14:04 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
The sheep insist.
       
New Thu 12 Nov 15 14:15 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Alanovich
>> The sheep insist.
>>

Oof. Welshman living amongst llamas makes sheep joke. Thin ice.

;-)
      2  
New Thu 12 Nov 15 14:15 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
8-)
       
New Thu 12 Nov 15 14:08 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> Two kiwis?

Always handy to have a spare key.
       
New Thu 12 Nov 15 16:10 
 Gyles Brandreth tweeted this today - smokie

What does The Queen do when she burps?

She issues a Royal "Pardon"
       
New Thu 12 Nov 15 22:35 
 Gyles Brandreth tweeted this today - Ted

What's the Queen's favourite record ?



'Magic Moments ' on Philips 12 inch.


OMG...I'll get me coat !
      1  
New Sat 14 Nov 15 10:35 
 Gyles Brandreth tweeted this today - Bromptonaut
>> 'Magic Moments ' on Philips 12 inch.

Reminds me about the one concerning Dennis Thatcher's criminal conviction for having an offensive person on his weapon.
      1  
New Fri 13 Nov 15 12:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
      3  
New Fri 13 Nov 15 15:40 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
That could be an episode of Andy Hamilton's excellent 'Old Harry's Game'. Still on Radio 4 Extra...
      1  
New Fri 13 Nov 15 16:42 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
>>That could be an episode of Andy Hamilton's excellent 'Old Harry's Game'. Still on Radio 4 Extra...

Oh thanks for reminding me MH, the number of times that I had to pull over when I was driving because of that!
Last edited by: zippy on Fri 13 Nov 15 at 16:42
       
New Fri 13 Nov 15 13:06 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
The name's Hoff. David Hoff.

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3316516/David-Hasselhoff-says-s-changed-David-Hoff.html

Less Hassel I guess.
       
New Fri 13 Nov 15 17:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Groan :-)
       
New Fri 13 Nov 15 23:21 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Well, although not old, it's as per the title - terrible, so I thought it qualified ;)
       
New Sun 15 Nov 15 09:42 
 Thank you for that one Dog - smokie
I don't think you expected that one to stay visible did you... :-)
      4  
New Sun 22 Nov 15 20:40 
 Thank you for that one Dog - Bromptonaut
>> I don't think you expected that one to stay visible did you... :-)

Presumably it was deemed unacceptable in the end.

Pity.
       
New Sun 22 Nov 15 11:58 
 Terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
Dyslexic Mexican to girl in nightclub.....'' Get your taco, you've pulled''
       
New Sun 22 Nov 15 20:33 
 Terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.

10 men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person before the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntary let go of the rope.

Because, she explained, as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband, her kids and men in general.

She was used to making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she had finished her speech all the men started clapping.
       
New Mon 23 Nov 15 13:49 
 Terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my blooming fault.
       
New Mon 23 Nov 15 16:54 
 Terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
A lady went into the lounge, after her husband had left for work and their two girls had gone to school, to find the much loved budgerigar was lying dead in its cage.

She thought they would all be heartbroken when they came home, so she went to the pet shop to buy another one. Unfortunately the only suitable creature there was an attractive parrot. The shop owner said it was a lovely creature but its last home was a brothel and it had picked up some rather unsavoury language. The lady said there were a broad-minded family and she bought him.

On being put in the lounge the parrot peered all around and said “Umm, looks very comfortable”.

A little later the two daughters came home. The parrot looked them up and down and remarked that they were a couple of well brought up children.

An hour later the husband came home and on entering the lounge the parrot immediately said “Hello Keith!”
       
New Tue 24 Nov 15 20:11 
 Terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher,
       
New Wed 25 Nov 15 10:50 
 Terrible old jokes thread - henry k
In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife….The couple had been happily married for 50 years.
The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary.

When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion,“How Much?!!!”

He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple he explained,
“My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted owt swanky’.

“Perhaps a small poem,” suggested the woman at the desk.

‘Nay,’ he said, ‘she wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da.
Just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died”.

“You need to say when,’ he was told by the receptionist.

‘Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That’ll do.

’‘It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.

’The man considered for a moment. ‘Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do,’ he said.

‘You can have another four words,’ the woman explained.
‘No, no!’ he cried, ‘she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.’

“The words are included in the price,’ the woman informed him.
‘Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em?

‘Yes, indeed.

’‘Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em exclaimed the man, ‘I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.

’The obituary was duly printed as follows:
Gladys Braithwaite. Died 17th March 2015. Sadly missed.
Also, Tractor for sale.
       
New Wed 25 Nov 15 23:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
A farmer had a talking sheepdog, and send him to get all the sheep into the pen, then report back

"All 40 accounted for.", announced the dog on its return.

"But we only have 36 sheep" said the farmer.

"I know.", replied the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up."
       
New Thu 26 Nov 15 22:33 
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
I told him he could have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I was never going to give you Up.
       
New Thu 26 Nov 15 22:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Guy goes into a cafe for lunch. He notices "Oasis Soup" on the blackboard so he asks what it is.

Cafe owner informs him "Ye get a roll with it"...
      1  
New Sun 29 Nov 15 11:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says "is this stool taken?"
       
New Sun 29 Nov 15 11:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Two grey paving slabs in a bar having a drink. Just then a red paving slab comes in and stands next to them. First grey slab whispers to his mate, "Be careful of him, he's a bit of a cycle path"...
      1  
New Tue 1 Dec 15 16:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Might have been posted before (?):

SENIORS COFFEE GROUP

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Timmy's Diner.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said another!

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully...

“Thank God we can all still drive."
      1  
New Wed 2 Dec 15 16:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
       
New Thu 10 Dec 15 16:32 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
A man walked into a bar and ordered a shot of whiskey before looking into his pocket. He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asked why he ordered shots of whiskey and afterwards looked into his pocket.

The man responded: "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."
       
New Fri 11 Dec 15 18:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Breaking News:

Trump pulls out of golf course development in Argyll citing fears about the radical Mullah Kintyre.
       
New Fri 11 Dec 15 18:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
jolly good
       
New Wed 23 Dec 15 16:40 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
I've changed my password; it's the last eight digits of pi.
       
New Wed 6 Jan 16 15:44 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
A couple were in a busy shopping centre just before Christmas. The queues for every counter, and the check-out tills were enormous. The husband was bored witless; he told his wife that he would have a wander around and would be back in a little while before she got to the check-out.

The wife finally made it through to the head of the check-out queue and paid her bill, but the husband was nowhere to be seen, and they still had more shopping to do. The wife called him on his mobile. She said, "Where are you?" He said, "You remember the jewellers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember
that shop", she replied. He said, "Right, well I'm in the pub next door to it."
Last edited by: Crankcase on Wed 6 Jan 16 at 15:44
       
New Wed 6 Jan 16 19:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
Two tigers walking down the street.

One turns to the other and says "quiet here isn't it".

As told by my 4-year-old grandson.
       
New Wed 6 Jan 16 20:07 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Made me chuckle.
       
New Wed 6 Jan 16 20:53 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Two Alsations in the waiting room at the vets. First one says to the other,

What are you in for then?

Oh, I'm not sure, but I think I'm going be, y'know, put down.

Oh jeez really? What on earth for?

Well, truth is, I've got a bit of a temper on me, just can't help it sometimes, especially with Jack Russells, don't ask me why but I can't stand them. If one of them rubs me up the wrong way I just lose the plot.

What, like you've bitten some other dogs?

Yeah, afraid so, and a human or two, postmen mainly.

Wow, so you might be in big trouble then?

Kinda think I am, dunno, don't want to think about it. Anyway what are you in for?

Oh me? I'm oversexed apparently.

Really? Cool!!!

Yeah, anything with a pulse me, can't stop.

Fab, nice problem to have !

Yeah, well it got me in big trouble last week, I even had a go at my mistress.

What, her there on the chair?

Yup, I know it was wrong in every way but I just did, she was leaning over the bath and well...

Jeez that's wild man! Are you going to be put down too?

Nah, just getting my claws clipped mate...
      1  
New Thu 7 Jan 16 07:35 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian, passing thru from Lame Deer.

Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student from the Middle East, newly arrived at Montana State University.


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks. "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'".

Obama said that anyone who forwards this is a racist.........so to avoid offending anyone just delete it... Hope I can count on U mods to do the right thing!
       
New Thu 7 Jan 16 22:14 
 This Terrible Old Joke Keeps Comming Back - zippy
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-35255012


:-(
       
New Fri 8 Jan 16 18:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - John Boy
Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day, Tyrone's Mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his Mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The Mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Birmingham.

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon there is a high likelihood that you voted for Jeremy Corbyn.
       
New Fri 8 Jan 16 18:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a length of sheep's intestine.

In 1873 the English perfected the idea by first removing the intestine from the sheep.
      2  
New Wed 13 Jan 16 18:49 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
What do Hornby trains and breasts have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with them!
       
New Tue 19 Jan 16 20:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues, on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't think so."
      1  
New Wed 20 Jan 16 12:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
Employee review number 1:

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and started to dig.
       
New Wed 20 Jan 16 12:40 
 The terrible old jokes thread - tyrednemotional
Employee reference 1:

"If you get this man to work for you, you will be very lucky".

Employee reference 2:

"During his time with us, x has carried out his duties entirely to his own satisfaction".
       
New Wed 20 Jan 16 12:50 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
His men would follow him anywhere; but only out of curiosity.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Wed 20 Jan 16 at 12:51
       
New Wed 20 Jan 16 13:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Cliff Pope
If you ever need a reference for another job, do hesitate to ask.

(I really sent that one)
       
New Wed 20 Jan 16 13:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
I once received a reference for a guy we had considered employing.

"We would suggest you buy a pot plant and install it wherever you were planning to seat him. It will be more attractive, less disruptive, potentially more productive and will be there every day"

       
New Wed 20 Jan 16 13:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
Employee review number 2:

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
       
New Wed 20 Jan 16 14:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
"In my opinion, you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you."
       
New Sun 24 Jan 16 13:33 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Aretas
Employee review no 3:

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you'd get change.
       
New Sat 23 Jan 16 12:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table..

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............












" we'll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


       
New Sun 24 Jan 16 21:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
I thought we'd had this one before, but I can't find it.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
      1  
New Sun 24 Jan 16 22:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
>>Now listen very, very closely:

<
Brilliant! :-D
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 00:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Yes, it has been around for some time. But still very, very funny...!!
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 00:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> I thought we'd had this one before, but I can't find it.

Here's a shortened version that comes close

www.car4play.com/forum/post/index.htm?v=e&t=12534&m=287287
Last edited by: VxFan on Mon 25 Jan 16 at 00:59
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 11:47 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns Unit."
      3  
New Mon 25 Jan 16 12:23 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Alanovich
Nice on, Stuartli - you do know what day it is today, right? My neeps are diced and soaking for tonight.
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 12:25 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
>>Nice on, Stuartli - you do know what day it is today, right? My neeps are diced and soaking for tonight.>>

Of course. Which is why, due to Scottish blood from my mother's side, my Christian name is Stuart...:-)
Last edited by: Stuartli on Mon 25 Jan 16 at 12:27
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 13:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - smokie
If you don't want to hear the whole sketch jump to 33s www.youtube.com/watch?v=42RA2wWF61M&list=RD42RA2wWF61M#t=3

My name is in there...

Last edited by: smokie on Mon 25 Jan 16 at 13:18
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 14:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
>> My name is in there...

Well it can't be Sara...hhhhh, so it must be some variant of Stewwart or wert.

I'm none the wiser smokie, don't worry.
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 14:43 
 The terrible old jokes thread - smokie
Jeff... or Gee-off

I'm spelt Geoff
Last edited by: smokie on Mon 25 Jan 16 at 14:43
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 14:55 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Duncan
>> Jeff... or Gee-off
>>
>> I'm spelt Geoff
>>

Another one!
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 14:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Alanovich
>> Of course. Which is why, due to Scottish blood from my mother's side, my Christian name is Stuart...:-)

My Scottish blood (and orange hair) is from my father's side, our surname could in fact be considered somewhat pertinent to today's celebration. ;-)
Last edited by: Alanović on Mon 25 Jan 16 at 14:21
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 14:39 
 The terrible old jokes thread - tyrednemotional
>> our surname could in fact be considered somewhat pertinent to today's celebration. ;-)
>>

........Haggis? 8-)

...or even Haggić

;-)
Last edited by: tyrednemotional on Mon 25 Jan 16 at 14:41
       
New Mon 25 Jan 16 14:47 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Alanovich
No, not Haggis. It's double barrelled - Massive-Boozeup.
       
New Thu 4 Feb 16 11:39 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Female Compassion At Its Best


Barrie returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live maybe we could make love again?'

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.'

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...But.











...some of us have to get up in the morning



       
New Thu 4 Feb 16 15:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
www.tickld.com/x/shrd/this-police-officer-didt-give-him-enough-time-to-explain-but-when-he-does
       
New Wed 10 Feb 16 14:23 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
So I was in Ireland recently and I went into this bar... The beer was flat, they had just stopped serving food and everybody in there ignored me... Turns out it was one of those English theme pubs...
       
New Mon 22 Feb 16 16:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Bruce the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Bruce, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Bruce's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Bruce had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Bruce, she entered him in the Darwin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Bruce the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Bruce was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
       
New Mon 22 Feb 16 16:49 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Armel Coussine
That one is pretty terrible, a rambling shaggy dog story.

Perfectly OK by site standards though.
       
New Fri 11 Mar 16 17:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Rafa Benitez starting the season off at Real Madrid then finishing the season at Newcastle.
It's like going to bed with Katy Perry and waking up next to Susan Boyle
       
New Fri 11 Mar 16 17:43 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
LOL coffee through nose time.
       
New Sun 13 Mar 16 11:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Howl wonderfully British.

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.

What do you say to that?"



The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied,



"How very sporting of your mother!"


       
New Sun 13 Mar 16 12:51 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
One Monday morning the postman was walking through the village on his usual route delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
This was because the homeowners were normally on their way to work at this time
His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night"’
the Postman commented.
Craig, in obvious pain, replied,
‘Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the village over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing
WHO AM I?’
The Postman thought for a moment and said,
‘How do you play WHO AM I?’
‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..’
The postman laughed and said,
‘Sounds like fun, I’m sorry I missed it.’
‘Probably a good thing you did,’
Craig responded,
‘Your name came up seven times.’
       
New Wed 16 Mar 16 10:00 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
American President is walking along an English lane. Comes across a man in his garden.
He asks the gardener what's he doing. Gardener replies he digging potatoes for lunch.
Call those potatoes, he said, back home we grow them 10 times that size.
Gardener replies, Yes, we grow them to fit our mouths as well.
       
New Wed 16 Mar 16 14:47 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
When my wife found out I'd been having an affair with her sister for five years I had to laugh when she asked me how we'd kept it a secret for so long. Well it's obvious, we didn't tell anyone.
       
New Mon 28 Mar 16 10:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Last edited by: smokie on Mon 28 Mar 16 at 10:33
       
New Sat 23 Apr 16 08:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
This should really be in the EU In/Out shake it all about thread:

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see David Cameron and George Osborne before I die”, whispered the priest.
I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse”
The nurse sent the request to the speaker in parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; David and George would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went together to the hospital, David commented to George,
“I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images”..
George agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took David’s hand in his right hand and Georges hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said:
I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ.”
Amen”, said David
Amen”, said George
The old priest continued,
“Jesus died between two lying thieving b-------; and I would just like to do the same...
       
New Sat 23 Apr 16 11:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
One day a very sick old man calls his doctor, his lawyer, and his accountant to his deathbed.

Old man: "I am giving you each an envelope containing £100,000 cash, my life savings. When I die, I want to take it all with me. As the three people I most trust, I want you to be the last three to file by my coffin at the funeral, each placing the money in the coffin".

Lo and behold the old man dies. The doctor, lawyer, and accountant file by the coffin, each placing an envelope, and the man is buried.

Some weeks later, the three meet at the golf course. The doctor calls the other two aside.

Doctor: "I have an admission to make. I needed £30,000 to pay for a new Mercedes, so I took what I needed out of the envelope, and I feel terrible about it!"

Accountant: "I also feel terrible. I needed £70,000 to pay for a new yacht, so I also took what I needed from the envelope".

Lawyer: "You two should be ashamed of yourselves, I'll have you know that I put a cheque for the entire £100,000 in the coffin".
      1  
New Sat 30 Apr 16 18:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A heavily obese woman was standing at the head of a bus queue. A text message alert came through on her phone and before she could answer it the guy behind jumped backwards and shouted, "Look out, she's reversing".
       
New Sun 1 May 16 13:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A man decided to have a Face Lift for his Birthday.
He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am..?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds fo...r lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47..!"
This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your b---- for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant..! How did you do that..???"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds.
      1  
New Mon 16 May 16 08:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Bill Gates dies (insert the way you think best fits here). He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that awful Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case: Im going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Whats the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"Ill leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Lets try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.

"Hows everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water????

"That was the demo," replied St. Peter.
       
New Mon 16 May 16 12:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - sajid
Me and the missus decided to buy a waterbed very soon we drifted apart
       
New Mon 30 May 16 23:06 
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
Apparently, residents of Dubai don't understand the humour in the Flintstones
But those in Abu Dhabi do
       
New Wed 15 Jun 16 18:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses...one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
       
New Sun 26 Jun 16 08:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
When I woz a boy, my mum would send me down the shops with five Bob to buy a pack of cigarettes.

I'd come back with the ciggies, a large bar of chocolate, a pint of milk, a loaf of bread, a pack of sausages a comic and a newspaper.

You can't do that now of course - too many security cameras :))
      1  
New Tue 28 Jun 16 10:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
I went to Morrisons yesterday and the cashier asked this foreign couple in front of me if they wanted help packing their bags....

I thought blimey this is happening quicker than I expected!!!
      1  
New Wed 29 Jun 16 11:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing “FREE KITTENS.”
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man. “Hi there little girl, I’m the leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron, what do you have in the basket?” he asked.
“Kittens,” little Suzy said.
“How old are they?” asked Mr Cameron.
Suzy replied, “They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet.”
“And what kind of kittens are they?”
“They're REMAIN IN THE EU supporters,” answered Suzy with a sweet smile.
Mr Cameron was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens. Recognizing the perfect photo op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of “FREE KITTENS,” when Cameron’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky News, cameras and the audio equipment were quickly set up, then Cameron got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
“Hello, again,” he said, “I’d love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away.”
“Yes sir,” Suzy said. “They're BREXIT supporters.”
Taken by surprise, David Cameron stammered, “But yesterday, you told me they were REMAIN IN THE EU SUPPORTERS.”
Little Suzy smiled and said, “I know. But today, they have their eyes open.”

       
New Wed 29 Jun 16 11:14 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
That works just as well in reverse if you substitute Boris for the PM.
       
New Wed 29 Jun 16 17:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread - WillDeBeest
...Boris for the PM...

...which is all Bozza ever wanted - just not quite so soon.

As for 'eyes open' - oh, the irony! I can't fault your nerve, just your understanding.
Last edited by: WillDeBeest on Wed 29 Jun 16 at 17:18
       
New Wed 29 Jun 16 16:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

The Welshman wasn't there, he was still in France.
      1  
New Mon 4 Jul 16 16:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
My friend Gavin died yesterday from taking heart burn tablets.

I can't believe Gavisgon.
      2  
New Tue 12 Jul 16 17:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"

Being the kind hearted Yorkshireman, he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

... So they walked past it again...
      2  
New Fri 15 Jul 16 21:10 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A drummer is fed up with all the jokes, so wants to try a new instrument. He goes into a music shop and walks around for few hours looking at all the instruments but can't make his mind up.
He goes up to a member of staff and explains that he wants to try the white accordion and the red saxophone.
"You're a drummer aren't you" he says.
"How did you know".
"Well the red saxophone is a fire extinguisher and the white accordion is a radiator".
      1  
New Fri 15 Jul 16 23:35 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Psst.... Don't let Ringo see that!
       
New Fri 22 Jul 16 11:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - movilogo
Trump's first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately.
CIA: We cannot do that, Mr President. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.
CIA: We created ISIS, Mr President. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby.

Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them.
CIA: We can't do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan.
Trump: So what?
CIA: Modi will cut Balochistan out of Pakistan.
Trump: I don't care.
CIA: India will have peace in Kashmir. They will stop buying our weapons. They will become a superpower. We have to fund Pakistan to keep India busy in Kashmir.

Trump: But you have to destroy the Taliban.
CIA: Mr President, we can't do that. We created the Taliban to keep Russia in check during the 80s. Now they are keeping Pakistan busy and away from their nukes.

Trump: We have to destroy terror sponsoring regimes in the Middle East. Let us start with the Saudis.
Pentagon: Mr President, we can't do that. We created those regimes because we wanted their oil. We can't have democracy there, otherwise their people will get that oil - and we cannot let their people own it.

Trump: Then, let us invade Iran.
Pentagon: We cannot do that either, Mr President.

Trump: Why not?
CIA: We are talking to them, Mr President.
Trump: What? Why?
CIA: We want our stealth drone back. If we attack them, Russia will obliterate us as they did to our buddy ISIS in Syria. Besides we need Iran to keep Israel in check.

Trump: Then let us invade Iraq again.
CIA: Mr President, our friends (ISIS) are already occupying 1/3rd of Iraq.
Trump: Why not the whole of Iraq?
CIA: We need the Shi'ite gov't of Iraq to keep ISIS in check.

Trump: I am banning Muslims from entering US.
FBI: We can't do that, Mr President.
Trump: Why not?
FBI: Then our own population will become fearless.

Trump: I am deporting all illegal immigrants to south of the border.
Border patrol: You can't do that, Mr President.
Trump: Why not?
Border patrol: If they're gone, who will build the wall?

Trump: I am banning H1Bs.
USCIS: You cannot do that.
Trump: Why?
Chief of staff: If you do so we'll have to outsource White House operations to Bangalore. Which is in India.

Trump: What the hell should I do???
CIA: Enjoy the White House, Mr President! We will take care of the rest!!!
      1  
New Fri 22 Jul 16 12:49 
 The terrible old jokes thread - smokie
Echos of Yes Minister...
       
New Fri 22 Jul 16 13:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Many a true word hath been spoken in jest.
       
New Sun 24 Jul 16 20:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread - stan10
A woman in her 80's was driving with a friend. She went through a red light. The friend didn't say anything. But then she went through another one. The friend said, "Do you realize you just went through two red lights?"

"Oh," she said, "was I driving?"
       
New Sun 7 Aug 16 14:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Somebody just rang me singing "Stand and Deliver". I tried to tell him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Sun 7 Aug 16 at 14:02
      1  
New Sun 7 Aug 16 15:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
>> Somebody just rang me singing "Stand and Deliver". I tried to tell him he had
>> the wrong number, but he was adamant.
>>


The '80s called and asked for their joke back!

:-)

Thumbed because it made me chuckle!
       
New Tue 9 Aug 16 12:43 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Roger.
Really terrible!

Confucius Did Not Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil in tent

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

One tree can make one million matches but it only takes one match to destroy one million trees.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Last edited by: Roger. on Tue 9 Aug 16 at 12:44
       
New Tue 9 Aug 16 13:21 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
>>Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Where is Lud lately?

:o}
       
New Tue 9 Aug 16 13:39 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
Man who shuffles through Heathrow security sideways on is going to Bangkok.
Last edited by: Bromptonaut on Tue 9 Aug 16 at 13:40
       
New Tue 9 Aug 16 13:40 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>>Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement

Couple who live in glass house shouldn't.......
       
New Thu 18 Aug 16 11:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
       
New Wed 24 Aug 16 19:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
      2  
New Thu 25 Aug 16 16:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I once had a girlfriend who was learning to drive when I met her. So she passed her test and the day after she took me out in her new car. We drove into a car park and the only space left involved a fairly tight reverse to get into it.

She said, "Oh my God, I'm not sure I can do this, I hate reversing".

So I said, "Look darling, I'm sure you'll be fine. Just do exactly what you did when the examiner asked you to reverse round a corner yesterday".

So she lent across the seat and undid my trousers...
       
New Fri 26 Aug 16 15:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some prat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'
       
New Fri 26 Aug 16 15:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Grandad's wig was made in Jermyn Street, but he only ever wore it to the pub. He said he wanted to let his hair down.



       
New Fri 26 Aug 16 20:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
This is particularly for those who fly often, and take no notice!

Here is a blonde who is no dummy!

You might want to listen to the video twice as it is VERY fast.

Pre-Flight Announcement:

www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/TxNrizGdhtY?vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=0&end=
      2  
New Fri 26 Aug 16 21:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Brilliant, Dog ;-)
       
New Sat 27 Aug 16 00:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
A woman in her early twenties decided to go in for the much vaunted private parts enhancement operation.

All went well and she had recovered from the op and getting ready to go home when an older man approached her bed.

He asked if her name was Jane and she replied "Yes". He shook her hand and said, with great sincerity: "I would like to thank you very much for my new ears".
      1  
New Sat 27 Aug 16 10:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut

>> He asked if her name was Jane and she replied "Yes". He shook her hand
>> and said, with great sincerity: "I would like to thank you very much for my
>> new ears".

IMO this is a bit near the knuckle. It fails the 'would you tell it to your mother' test in VX's post at #2 in thread.
       
New Sat 27 Aug 16 11:24 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
>>IMO this is a bit near the knuckle. It fails the 'would you tell it to your mother' test in VX's post at #2 in thread. >>

Sadly my mother passed away some years ago, but the joke was originally told to us by a woman, herself a then 54-year-old mother...

However, if it's found offensive and in turn the mods aren't happy, then they should certainly feel free to delete it.
       
New Sat 27 Aug 16 12:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Pat
I'm female and I don't find it offensive, I find it funny.

For goodness sake are we to be protected from good old fashioned humour now when we can walk down any street and hear the sort of language only a navvy uses?

I do find that offensive.

Pat
      1  
New Sat 27 Aug 16 18:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
I don't understand why it is funny. It certainly isn't my kid of humour and it just seems like schoolboys giggling because they yold a "rude" joke.

I wouldn't delete it though. Its more sad than offensive. And in any case, if it amuses some then why not?
       
New Sat 27 Aug 16 14:07 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Manatee
I think my mother might have told me this one.

Following a shotgun accident in which his person was perforated by pellets in an unfortunate area, the poor chap went to see his doctor.

"Doctor, I've recovered very well from the accident, but there's one problem. When I pee, it comes out these multiple holes in all directions, like a watering can. It's very embarrassing."

The doctor scribbled on his notepad, tore off the page and gave it to his patient. "Go and see my brother. He'll sort it out for you".

"Is he a urologist?"

"No. He's a piccolo player. But he'll show you how to hold it".
       
New Thu 15 Sep 16 21:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Great Quotes on Sex:


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner



"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone



"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)




"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams




"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman




"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."


Joan Rivers


Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.


Steve Martin



You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips



"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde



And


"At my age, making love is like playing pool with a rope."

George Burns
      1  
New Sun 18 Sep 16 23:00 
 The terrible old jokes thread - movilogo
At a funeral.....

A visitor: What's the WiFi password here?

Priest: respect the dead

Visitor: all small letters ???
       
New Thu 29 Sep 16 11:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle


And whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment,


Onestone finally cracked and said,'


If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,


'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.


He made love to her all the next day,


Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until


A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin,


Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


Then he made love to her all day,


Made love to her all night,


Made love to her all the next day,


Made love to her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!



Why ???




OH, come on... Take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!










Everyone knows..




You can't kill Two Birds
With


OneStone !!!


       
New Tue 4 Oct 16 20:53 
 The terrible old jokes thread - legacylad
This is a joke I made up myself today.... ' where do most Yorkshire folk go on holiday in Turkey? They go to the ee bah gum bit'

There's a scruffy resort near where I'm staying called Gumbet

Sorry, but after sharing it with the resort reps, who politely laughed, I felt I had to share it with you lot.
       
New Tue 11 Oct 16 11:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Mountains aren't funny.

They are hill areas.
       
New Sun 4 Dec 16 16:47 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
Two Irishmen walking along a country road in southern England. Paddy says 'hey, look at this, there's a tombstone in the hedge for a bloke who was 123!'
Murphy says 'that's incredible - what was his name?'
'Miles from London'.
       
New Sun 4 Dec 16 17:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Have you ever noticed, when driving on the Italian motorway system, just how many places are called "Uscita" ? And in Germany, how many are called "Ausfahrt" ?
       
New Mon 5 Dec 16 10:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - helicopter
Ah yes....Ausfahrt ..... guaranteed a snigger in school German lessons.

In England likewise, lots of places are called Loose Chippings....
and they always seem to have roadworks .....
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 11:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
What does Santa use for surveillance?

Mince spies.
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 12:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
I do like a joke clearly aimed at six year olds. That made me laugh, ambo.
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 13:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
>I do like a joke clearly aimed at six year olds

Well here's one I was told yesterday from our G/Child!

Which Animal loves cold weather?

Brrr Rabbit!
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 15:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Also a winner, devonite. I can see there will be endless frivolity in the Crankcase household tonight. Will make a change from yet another game of Lanterloo with the Vicar.
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 14:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
Still no idea

What do you call a remote island where all the deer have no eyes?
No idea at all
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 15:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Dead deer, no eyes, no ears, nocturnal, remote island.


Still deaf and nightly no eye dea at all.
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 18:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
How do you make gold soup?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Well, you start with 24 carrots!

I'll get my coat!
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 18:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Man goes into a cafe for lunch and asks what's today's special. The counter assistant tells him it's "Oasis soup". He asks what's special about it so she tells him that you erm, get a roll with it.

I was just going out too...

;-)
       
New Tue 6 Dec 16 18:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
Two Scottish ducks on a tandem...

The one at the back says "Quack"

The one at the front says "Ah cannae go any quacker"
       
New Tue 20 Dec 16 02:33 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
       
New Sat 24 Dec 16 21:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you have the correct insurance for the sex you are having by being guided by this list of companies catering for most requirements:

Sex with your wife - Legal and General

Sex on the telephone or mobile - Direct Line

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a posh bird - Privilege

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex resulting in a pregnancy - General Accident

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com
      2  
New Sat 24 Dec 16 22:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

PetPlan ?
      1  
New Sat 24 Dec 16 23:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
You forgot:-

Sex with your future partner - Mutual Trust

Sex with your biographer - Quote Me Happy

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go

Sex with an animal - compare the meerkat.com (or Churchill - Oh yes)

Sex with extremely fat folk - More Than & Elephant.co.uk

Sex with a sheep - Farmers Union

Sex with a wren - Admiral

Sex with the Butler - Footman James

Sex on a mountain top – Pinnacle Insurance

Sex after VD – All Clear Insurance

Sex in the Dark – Knight Insurance

Sex with yourself – Beatthatquote.com

Sex in Jamaica - Sun Life

Sex in the back of a Vauxhall – Aviva

Sex with multiple people – The Co-operative

Solo sex – its4me.co.uk

Sex with a Scouser – Liverpool Victoria

Sex with the Vicar – Abbey Life

Getting caught having sex in a public place - Swiftcover

      1  
New Sat 24 Dec 16 23:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
>>Sex with a wren - Admiral

More likely admirable!

       
New Sun 25 Dec 16 00:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
I'm in trouble then - I'm with Swiftcover...:-)

Thanks for the additional and very funny additions...!!
       
New Sun 25 Dec 16 10:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
Superb collection of cracker mottoes!
       
New Thu 12 Jan 17 20:57 
 A Trump Joke - Bromptonaut
Q. What does Trump think is difference between a Baked Bean and a Chick Pea?

A. He'd not have a Baked Bean on his face.
       
New Thu 2 Feb 17 22:01 
 A paddy Joke - Dog
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his £2 back....
Last edited by: Dog on Thu 2 Feb 17 at 22:01
       
New Tue 7 Feb 17 10:48 
 A paddy Joke - Mike Hannon
Paddy finds a pen on the bar and asks Mick if it’s his,
Mick says i dont know, let me write with it. After writing his name he says “yes that’s mine”
Paddy says “how can you be sure?”
Mick says “its my handwriting.”
       
New Mon 17 Apr 17 13:13 
 A paddy Joke - Roger.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

� Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

� A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

� I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

� Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes

� England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

� I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

� They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

� I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

� Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

� I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

� I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

� This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

� When chemists die, they barium.

� I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

� I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

� Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

� I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

� Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

� When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

� Broken pencils are pointless.

� What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

� I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

� All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

� I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
� Velcro - what a rip off!

� Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
      1  
New Mon 17 Apr 17 14:20 
 A paddy Joke - smokie
Some of those are familiar from the Hacker T Dog tweets.

Other examples

I'm thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. All it's doing is gathering dust.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare

I just saw loads of Easter bunnies hopping backwards together. Or maybe it was a receding hare line.

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar - Demerara

I've got a Bonnie Tyler sat nav and it's terrible. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

A bloke just threw a chocolate bar at me. How dairy.

       
New Sat 29 Apr 17 11:04 
 A paddy Joke - Hard Cheese

>>
>> I've got a Bonnie Tyler sat nav and it's terrible. It keeps telling me to
>> turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
>>


You have to be a certain age though that's brilliant!
       
New Sat 29 Apr 17 13:23 
 A paddy Joke - smokie
I like 'em :-) Here's a few more of his gems


I thought if I took the shell off my racing snail he would go a bit faster... If anything it made him more sluggish.

My pals have asked me to stop singing Oasis. I said maybe.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. And then it dawned on me.

I bought a U2 sat nav but it's faulty... The streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
       
New Mon 17 Apr 17 20:53 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A man goes to confession;

"Bless me father for I have sinned. That car I sold you last week father, the big ends were knocking so I retarded the ignition, and I put sawdust in the back axle to deaden the whine..."
       
New Sat 29 Apr 17 00:47 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
New Slogans for United Air Lines

"Drag and Drop”

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free "carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”





       
New Sat 29 Apr 17 09:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
Paddy climbs wearily up the stairs after a long evening on the Black and White Wonder, falls into bed and drops off to sleep straight away.
Suddenly there’s a ginormous bang and crashing noise, he’s showered with broken glass and the nose of a Boeing 737 appears through the shattered window.
He wakes up, rubs his eyes and says ‘Oh begorrah, I must have left the landing lights on.’

To be honest, I got that last night from a now forgotten Irish comedian appearing in a 40-year-old edition of The Good Old Days - about the only thing apart from the news that I can bear to watch on TV these days. (And I only watch the news with the sound turned down and reading the ticker}.
       
New Sat 29 Apr 17 12:51 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
I'm sure you're probably well aware but you can still watch The Comedians, Wheeltappers and Shunters Club and similar Granada TV gems of the past on YouTube:

tinyurl.com/mfu9tsq

tinyurl.com/khegksc

Love spending an hour or so watching them...:-)
       
New Wed 3 May 17 19:44 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Heard in a dodgy EU restaurant...."Alors, madame, here is your bill for €100 billion. How would you like to pay....!?"
       
New Wed 3 May 17 19:50 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Heard in a greasy spoon somewhere in England ... "Take it out of what you owe us, mate"
      2  
New Wed 3 May 17 20:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
what a pair of barclays you two are. Don't do a double act on the stage
       
New Mon 15 May 17 13:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for

all ten comes to £100... If they paid their bill the way we pay our

taxes, it would go something like this:



- The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.



- The fifth would pay £1.



- The sixth would pay £3.



- The seventh would pay £7.



- The eighth would pay £12.



- The ninth would pay £18.



- The tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.



So, that's what they decided to do.



The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy

with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve

ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to

reduce the cost of your daily beer by £20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.



The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our

taxes, so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink

for free. But what about the other six men? How could they divide

the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?



They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33. But if they

subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the

sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.



So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each

man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the

principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to

work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.



And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing

(100% saving).



The sixth now paid £2 instead of £3... (33% saving).



The seventh now paid £5 instead of £7... (28% saving).



The eighth now paid £9 instead of £12... (25% saving).



The ninth now paid £14 instead of £18... (22% saving).



The tenth now paid £49 instead of £59... (16% saving).



Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four

continued to drink for free.



But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.



"I only got a dollar out of the £20 saving," declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got £10!"



"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a

dollar too. It's unfair that he received ten times more benefit than me!"



"That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get £10

back, when I got only £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"



"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "We didn't

get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"



The nine men surrounded the tenth man and beat him up.



The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the

nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time

to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't

have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!



And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers,

is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest

taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.



Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just

may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas,

where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.



David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.

Professor of Economics.



For those who understand, no explanation is needed.



For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
      1  
New Mon 15 May 17 16:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Mike Hannon
Please keep the party political broadcasts for the appropriate threads. We get few enough jokes these days as it is.
       
New Mon 15 May 17 20:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Dog's story has a slightly interesting history, to give it credit.

www.snopes.com/business/taxes/howtaxes.asp
       
New Wed 17 May 17 16:50 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ted

Jeremy Hunt was doing an annual visit to a NHS hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were.
While Hunt was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the middle of the roll ?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll. We recycle whenever possible"
"Oh," replied Hunt,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. On he went “What about all these coloured casts you dispense. Isn't it rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that Hunt was trying to trap him. "We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs."
Hunt asked a dozen or more questions with similar results. he was determined to fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to government, and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."
      3  
New Thu 18 May 17 10:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Found on the net...


We have proof that aliens don't exist......
















If they did, Trump would have tweeted about them by now!
       
New Tue 30 May 17 20:53 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
My neighbour's cat was sitting in the road last night and I ran over one of it's back legs. I knocked at the door as I thought it only fair to tell him and he said, "Oh my God, is it alright?"

I said, "No, it was scratching it's head at the time".
       
New Tue 6 Jun 17 18:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
My ex girlfriend phoned me in tears today and told me she had Syphilis. The hardest part was trying to act surprised.
       
New Sun 25 Jun 17 11:42 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
45 Million Dollars has just been found in a Nigerian flat! - Turns out the old Fella that lived there (a retired Mine Owner) had been trying to give it away for 10 years, but nobody would answer his Emails!
      1  
New Tue 27 Jun 17 20:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I was worried the garage would try to rip me off because I am a blonde woman. What a relief, it turned out I only needed indicator fluid.
      1  
New Sat 1 Jul 17 18:24 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I've just been arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I was in McDonalds eating.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 10:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can get two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25.

They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

These, my friends, are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 11:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
.*******

What a stupid, stupid forum this is - I'm out!
Last edited by: Dog on Tue 4 Jul 17 at 11:13
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 12:36 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Focal Point
"... I'm out!"

Is this a flounce? Seriously?

Wow. Bizarre.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 12:42 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> Is this a flounce? Seriously?

The row of stars tells us the swear filter was breached more than once in Dog's post.

Whatever we thin about individual words on the banned list we probably need some sort of control. It's not as if anyone involved is new to the place.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 12:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> The row of stars tells us the swear filter was breached more than once in Dog's post.

Nope, it indicates that it picked up something more than a mild swearword.

>> It's not as if anyone involved is new to the place.

And you know for sure that there aren't any unregistered visitors browsing this forum, some of which could be youngsters? Mind you, saying that, there are quite a few youngsters registered on this forum. Well given their behaviour at times, they come across as being child like ;)
Last edited by: VxFan on Tue 4 Jul 17 at 12:58
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 13:01 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
i think you misunderstood Bromp's point.
Last edited by: No FM2R on Tue 4 Jul 17 at 13:02
      1  
New Tue 4 Jul 17 13:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
>> The row of stars tells us the swear filter was breached more than once in Dog's post.
>
>Nope, it indicates that it picked up something more than a mild swearword.

Actually, if I recall correctly, its neither. It was a cock up. It simply reacts badly to the firetruck word yet not the Scunthorpe word.

The idea that it was somehow a graduated filter was one I made up one afternoon when we'd already had half a dozen functionality complaints that day and I needed a fast explanation/excuse.

'Course, it might have changed since those halogen days.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 13:35 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Focal Point
"halogen"? Halcyon?

Actually, I think I misunderstood Dog's post. I'm assuming now he was reacting to the swear filter, which he thought too prissy. (Probably most of you saw that straight away.)

But a flounce, based on that?

Oh well, it takes all sorts, I suppose.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 13:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
>>"halogen"? Halcyon?

Just something my Grandad used to say. We were never sure whether or not he was getting it wrong intentionally, either way it stuck within the family. Along with "Vicky Verky" and "toosh".

I often wonder whether or not he knew.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 13:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> Actually, if I recall correctly, its neither.

Nope, there really is a two stage swear filter.

The one that picks up mild expletives just changes the majority of it to asterisks.
The other removes the whole sentence/paragraph/post and replaces it with a full stop and asterisks - as in Dog's post.
Somewhere in this forum I went into fine detail about it, but cannot find the post right now.

>> It simply reacts badly to the firetruck word yet not the Scunthorpe word.

I've convinced the filter to allow Scunthorpe, but still censor the other C word, but some other innocent words that also contain a swear word I haven't yet convinced it who is boss.

>> 'Course, it might have changed since those halogen days.

It has. In your day there was only one swear filter list. There have been two separate lists for over well over 10 years now.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 13:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Then what word, other than the firetruck one, is in the "bad" list?

I are unconvince.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 13:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
That would be telling ;)

Seriously though, there are only a few, some of which people have deliberately misspelt to try and get around the filter. No, don't see it as a challenge either.
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 14:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
>> "... I'm out!"

>> Is this a flounce? Seriously? Wow. Bizarre.>>

I just saw it as meaning an even more terrible joke than the thread title suggests....:-)

But what the ******* **** do I know? :-)
       
New Tue 4 Jul 17 11:20 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Hard Cheese
A variation on that theme:

Data from food recycling says 15% pork, 20% apple, 25% steak & kidney, 30% chicken and 10% others, look out for the next pie rates of the carry bin.
      1  
New Thu 6 Jul 17 14:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Hard Cheese
This is true though probably not original nonetheless.

We were going through the costs re an evening event at the local football club, cost for food, entertainers etc, one of the guys said:

"that comedian, he's having a laugh ..."
       
New Fri 7 Jul 17 17:14 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A Russian man wants to buy a new car and goes to the dealer. He sees a car he likes, pays for it up front and is told that he can collect his car in exactly 10 years time.

'Morning or afternoon?' the man asks.

'Ten years from now, what difference does it make?' replies the salesman.

'Well,' says the man, 'the plumber's coming in the morning.'
       
New Fri 7 Jul 17 17:44 
 The terrible old jokes thread - sooty123
One of ronald regan's jokes? He was the first person I heard tell it anyways.
       
New Sun 16 Jul 17 20:10 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I've woken up well over 20,000 times in my life and I still can't get used to it.
       
New Thu 27 Jul 17 16:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - bathtub tom
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A421, near the black cat roundabout recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
      1  
New Sun 30 Jul 17 18:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Cliff Pope
My careers adviser used to say that an ambitious person should dress for the job he wants to do, not his present one.
Well, I say careers adviser, but later I found out he was a motor mechanic.


- Heard recently at the Edinburgh Festival.
       
New Tue 1 Aug 17 09:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Warning!
A friend joined the Tesco dating service.

He finished up with a bag for life.
       
New Thu 10 Aug 17 17:49 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Runfer D'Hills
The elephant at Dudley Zoo was getting old. One of the keepers decided to start a fund raising event to allow the old guy to spend his remaining time back in Africa.

Anyway, it was a great success, and eventually a jumbo jet ( see what I did there? ) was chartered and he was flown back to Africa and released into the wild.

On his first day alone he was pretty lonely, and at a loss as to what to do when he heard a distant rumbling which turned into thunderous roar, followed by an ever gathering dust cloud heading straight towards him.

He was of course terrified having never experienced a noise or sight like it in the West Midlands.

But there was something also innately comforting about it, a childhood memory, something he half recognised. At last the rumbling stopped, and the ground no longer shook, the dust clouds gradually dispersed and revealed an enormous herd of wild elephants with a great big bull elephant at their head, standing perfectly still, staring at the newcomer...

The elephant from Dudley Zoo was both scared and excited at the same time, something at the back of his mind told him that these were his people, but he didn't know any of them.

Eventually the great bull lifted his trunk and roared at him " Did you come here to die?!"

He replied, timidly, "No mate, I come 'ere yisterdai."



      1  
New Thu 10 Aug 17 18:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Older people often wonder if there is life after death. There is, but it won't involve them.
       
New Thu 10 Aug 17 18:24 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Paddy and his mate, Paddy too, are unemployed so they venture to the job centre to get a new job.

Paddy tells them he is a sewing machinist and the clerk tells Paddy that he can earn €20 an hour sewing.

Paddy too, tells them he is a diesel fitter and he is told that he can earn €50 an hour as its a skilled job.


Paddy is livid! "Skilled job my arris!" he complains. "I sewed women's nickers and all he did was check them for size, and when they're good he says diesel fitter!"
Last edited by: zippy on Thu 10 Aug 17 at 18:25
       
New Thu 10 Aug 17 18:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Pat
Just read that out to Ian across the kitchen and failed miserably with the Irish accent, but it made me laugh:)

Pat
       
New Thu 31 Aug 17 18:44 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I do wish people would learn to call me "Sir" without always having to add "You're causing a scene".
      1  
New Wed 6 Sep 17 20:31 
 This should upset you dog lovers! - Roger.

A blind man was telling his friend about the procedures & joys of a parachute jump he'd made.


"It was easy: my hand was placed on the release button, I was then positioned by the open door and when they told me to jump, out I went".


"But how did you know when to lift your legs before you hit the ground ?" his friend asked.

"Oh," replied the blind man, " as soon as the dogs leash went slack "

       
New Thu 7 Sep 17 16:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
When women get to a certain age they start to accumulate cats.

This is known as the many paws...!!
       
New Thu 7 Sep 17 16:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
My wife found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear so she took it to the vet.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine.

He proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The wife went to Boots and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the cash desk, the pharmacist told her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
"I'm not using it under my arms," she told him.

The pharmacist said: "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

"I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist responded: "Well, best stay off your bicycle for about a week."
      3  
New Thu 7 Sep 17 17:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Robin O'Reliant
I had to give up drinking and spending hours in snooker halls after a terrible accident.

I caught my finger in a wedding ring.
       
New Thu 7 Sep 17 22:36 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - zippy
A mosquito landed on my wife's face.





Easiest decision ever!
      1  
New Sat 9 Sep 17 13:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Robin O'Reliant
I was walking through the park yesterday when I came across a tramp and his girlfriend having a blazing row. She screamed at him, "Right, we're finished", and stormed off.

He then emptied his bottle of meths over the bench and started trying to light it.

I yelled, "Oi, WTF are you doing?"

He shouted, "She might walk out on me, but she's not getting the house".
       
New Sat 16 Sep 17 18:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
While I was cooking dinner I accidentally rubbed some herbs into my eye.

I'm now parsley sighted.
      2  
New Sat 16 Sep 17 18:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - CGNorwich
You didn't get to the doctor in thyme then?
      1  
New Sat 16 Sep 17 19:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Zero
Dont you just lovage
       
New Sun 17 Sep 17 19:33 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Robin O'Reliant
A bloke arrives home from work to find his wife in the hall wearing a see through blouse, tiny little skirt and stockings and suspenders.

She says, "Darling, have you ever seen ten pounds crumpled up?"

Starting to feel excited he replies, "No, I haven't". So she slowly undoes the top two buttons on her blouse, pulls two crumpled five pound notes from her bra and hands to him. Hardly able to contain his excitement he starts to unbutton his shirt when in a husky voice she says, "And have you ever seen twenty pounds crumpled up?"

"No", he says.

So she lifts up her skirt and pulls two ten pound notes out of her knickers, walks over and hands them to him.

She continues, "Darling, have you ever seen thirty thousand pounds all crumpled up?"

Unable to contain himself any longer, he unbuckles his belt and drops his trousers to the floor in anticipation of a wild, kinky night and replies, "No sweetheart, I haven't".

His wife says, "Well, go out to the garage and take a look".

Last edited by: Robin O'Reliant on Sun 17 Sep 17 at 19:33
      2  
New Mon 18 Sep 17 10:53 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
A friend told her favourite joke recently:

Going home one night in a taxi she said she asked the taxi driver what was the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

"Don't know", the driver said.

"Well a man will spend 10 to 15 minutes looking for a golf ball......" she told him

"What's a clitoris?" queried the taxi driver.
       
New Tue 19 Sep 17 17:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
When I was young I wanted to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and provide the name of an important human body part, which is at its most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are now doctors, whilst the rest are sending jokes via email or Car4Play.
      1  
New Tue 19 Sep 17 18:04 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
Some good news for those who are insomniacs.

Only three more sleeps until Christmas.
       
New Tue 19 Sep 17 18:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Pat
Keep them coming Stuart, they're making me smile ....for the first time today!

Pat
       
New Thu 21 Sep 17 14:06 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
A good one from the wonderful Tim Vine:

www.conjunctivitis. com

A site for sore eyes.
       
New Thu 21 Sep 17 14:08 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

       
New Thu 21 Sep 17 14:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
One in four frogs is a leap frog.
Last edited by: Stuartli on Thu 21 Sep 17 at 14:09
       
New Thu 21 Sep 17 14:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Stuartli
I saw a television documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

       
New Wed 20 Sep 17 16:17 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - zippy
The good news you don't want to hear at the doctor's......

"The good news is they are naming a syndrome after you".
       
New Thu 21 Sep 17 10:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread! - Ambo
Hitler asked a Jewish fortune-teller when he would die. "On a Jewish holiday" she said. He asked why. She replied, "Because any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

(From the film "Jakob the Liar", not worth viewing.)
       
New Wed 27 Sep 17 19:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Just bought a Saab on eBay, once owned by Neil Diamond.

Swede car online!
Last edited by: VxFan on Thu 28 Sep 17 at 01:47
       
New Wed 27 Sep 17 21:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Ever been in B&Q trying to catch the eye of one of the staff and they all pointedly ignore you?

Pick up a chainsaw and try to start it, within seconds you'll have at least two of them with you.
Last edited by: VxFan on Thu 28 Sep 17 at 01:48
       
New Fri 13 Oct 17 08:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
I saw Feargal Sharkey in a local fireplace shop yesterday.

He spent hours in there.

It seems a good hearth, these days, is hard to find.
       
New Sun 15 Oct 17 14:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
'...two golfers exchange their life stories...The first one confesses that he made his fortune when his ailing factory burned down and he was able to claim the insurance. The second golfer then confesses he also made it big when his own business was destroyed by a flood, netting him nice cheque from the insurance company. The first golfer looks puzzled. "But how did you start the flood?" he asks.' (From Adults in the Room by Yanis Varoufakis.)
       
New Sun 15 Oct 17 14:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar....


That can't be a coincidence!


       
New Fri 20 Oct 17 19:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
There was an accident down our road this morning. Some bloke called Jehovah was calling round looking for witnesses.
       
New Fri 20 Oct 17 23:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
It's storm Ophelia and two catholic nuns, a novice and a sister are travelling from Dublin to Belfast to check up on an old friend.

Just as they get to Belfast their car starts to run out of petrol so the sister pulls over and walks back to a garage to get some fuel.

Unfortunately the garage had run out of jerry cans so the sister walks back to the car and comments on her disappointment to the novice.

"Worry not sister!" exclaims the novice, for we have brought the bed pans, just in case the accommodations are not en-suite.

The sister thinks that's a great idea and takes the bed pans to the petrol station and fills them up.

Being buffeted by strong winds the sister carefully takes them back to the car and pours the contents in to the car.

Two protestant ladies observing the nun walking back with the bed pans are dumbfounded by what they see. The wiser of the two turns to her friend and says "well if it starts, I'm converting!"
       
New Thu 26 Oct 17 12:44 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
This Saturday is the National Secondhand Car Salesmen's Day...

The Night The Clocks Go Back.
      2  
New Thu 26 Oct 17 13:49 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
I like that, not a lot, but I like it.

:o)
      1  
New Thu 26 Oct 17 14:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Hard Cheese
Pedant mode on:

It's Sunday morning actually.

Pedant mode off:
       
New Sun 29 Oct 17 15:19 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,the church organist was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said " I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
      1  
New Mon 6 Nov 17 15:36 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Hiring manager: What do you think is your greatest weakness?

Candidate: My honesty.

Hiring manager: I dont think honesty is a weakness.

Candidate: I couldn’t give a monkeys what you think.
       
New Mon 6 Nov 17 15:37 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
How do so many people get simple sayings wrong?

Answers on a coastguard.
      2  
New Mon 6 Nov 17 15:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
The wife accused me of been a transvestite.

So I've packed her clothes and left.
       
New Thu 9 Nov 17 00:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Have you ever noticed how a lot of F1 drivers share their names with Scottish places?

Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine, Lewis Hamilton, Johnny Dumfries, Ayr Town Centre.
      1  
New Mon 20 Nov 17 17:15 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
BREAKING NEWS

Local vicar had Domestos thrown over him.

Fortunately it's not life threatening and the culprits have been caught.

Both have been charged with bleach of the priest.
       
New Tue 21 Nov 17 18:43 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
found this most disconcerting.

As a diabetic I logged on to a Diabetes awareness website.

I was asked if I wanted to accept cookies?
      1  
New Tue 21 Nov 17 18:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Goodbye for now everybody. You won't be hearing from me for a while.

Currently being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.

I've got to lie low.
      1  
New Wed 22 Nov 17 13:45 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
|The Meerkats are expanding their Advertising business, Alexanda and Sergie - Insurance, Vasilly - Petroleum jelly, Oled - Tv's and now BogDan in Plumbing!
       
New Mon 27 Nov 17 11:54 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Earth is invaded by Aliens, but it turns out that they're peaceful and happy and so everyone loves them.

Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask so a conference is arranged. World leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are invited to ask their most important questions.

It is the Pope's turn to ask a question;

Pope: "I was wondering...have you ever heard of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"

Alien: "Jesus? Yes of course! He stops by our planet every couple of years and we all have a big party"

[The Pope looks confused]

Pope: "You must be mistaken...Jesus Christ was here about two thousand years ago but he left and we've been waiting for his return ever since...why would he visit you so often?"

Alien: "Well..."; they look at each other "...maybe your chocolate wasn't good"

Pope: "Pardon me?"

Alien: "When Jesus first showed up on our planet we gave him really great chocolate...what did you guys do?"
      2  
New Mon 27 Nov 17 13:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.. Surprised, Dad asked,


'Where's Lulu?' You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)...............
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
       
New Thu 7 Dec 17 15:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
No Live Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this year

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a live Nativity scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. Organizers simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men from either party in the Nation's Capital.

A search for a Virgin also continues.

       
New Thu 7 Dec 17 16:06 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Two drunks are walking home from the pub. The first drunk says, "These steps are nice and even".

The second one replies, "Yes, but the handrails are a bit low".

Then the train hit them.
       
New Thu 7 Dec 17 16:43 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.”

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”

The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
       
New Wed 13 Dec 17 13:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
Just saw a young sheep in a swimsuit driving a sports car.

It was a lamb bikini.
       
New Thu 14 Dec 17 00:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Stuartli
A farmer friend's scarecrow has just won the UK's Best Dressed Award for 2017 much to his delight.

The judges said he proved outstanding in his field.
       
New Fri 15 Dec 17 19:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
       
New Thu 21 Dec 17 22:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
I asked the Mrs. what she wants for Christmas this year "Some chocolate and a nice surprise would be lovely" she replied.















Kinder egg it is then.
       
New Sun 24 Dec 17 17:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Genie "You can have two wishes

Dave: "I wish I was rich"

Genie : "Granted, what's your second wish" ?

Rich : "I want lots of money"
       
New Mon 1 Jan 18 07:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a moth

Woman : This is a chip shop. The doctor's is next door.

Patient: Yes, but your light was on.
       
New Mon 1 Jan 18 07:57 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Crankcase
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
       
New Fri 19 Jan 18 15:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Diane Abbott was asked what she thought about Carilion.

She replied, "How much is a carillion?"
      2  
New Fri 19 Jan 18 16:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
How ironic ... Carillion construction workers find that their jobs are not set in concrete.


Carillion - They’ve never been the same since Fish left.
Last edited by: VxFan on Fri 19 Jan 18 at 16:24
       
New Sat 20 Jan 18 14:34 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Extracts from letters written by council housing tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
       
New Mon 5 Mar 18 21:33 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
When I visited the doctor last week he said " you're a bit overweight, how much exercise do you do ? "
I said " does sex count ? "
He said "yes "
I said " none "
       
New Fri 30 Mar 18 16:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A horse and a donkey meet in the pub. The horse tells donkey about all the races it won. The donkey feels bad about only ever working at Blackpool.

He invites the horse for dinner the next week and buys a huge picture of a zebra for his living room wall.

The horse arrives and asks who it is in the picture.

The donkey says, "That's me when I played for Juventus."
       
New Sun 22 Apr 18 00:14 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
A man was walking home from the pub, very late in the pitch black of night. There isn't another person on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump...bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run. He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump...bump...bump. The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man's horror, it is a sarcophagus, bumping down the pavement. He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the sarcophagus only pursues more quickly.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP! He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the sarcophagus reaches his front steps. He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath. Bump...bump...bump. There is a moment's silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly.... Bump...bump...bump...Bump...BUMP! BUMP! BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the sarcophagus races after. BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the sarcophagus -- a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp -- but the sarcophagus keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHES FROM HIS FACE, and nothing seems to slow it down! His hands fall upon a packet of throat lozenge and he throws that at the sarcophagus, too!

The coffin stops.
       
New Mon 23 Apr 18 19:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - stan10
" The coffin stops. "

I haven't heard that one, but it took me back to my schooldays, - spot the similarity, (and i will try and shorten it - but most of the fun was spinning it out) ..

A Foreign Legion patrol is trudging across the Sahara, Officer in front, Sergeant behind, six Legionaires following, it's hot and arduous, water is scarce, and nerves are beginning to fray.

Suddenly the Officer hears a voice " 1,2,3 1,2,3 1,2,3 "
"SILENCE" shouts the Officer, and the counting stops. They go a bit further, then ... (start spinning)

Eventually the Officer shouts "if that counting doesn't stop, i will shoot the offender"

Counting doen't stop so the Officer halts the patrol, draws his gun, points it at the Sergeant and says "is that you counting?"
"No sir, it must be the man behind me", (spin again, until Legionaire no.6) ... "no sir it's wasn't me"

"LIAR" shouts the Officer ... BANG !, and the man drops dead.

Repeat and spin your way back up the line to the Sergeant, ....
Same scenario, and - BANG ! Sergeant drops dead, Exhausted and devastated, the Officer slumps down on a sand dune and reaches for his cigarettes to calm his shattered nerves.

He pulls them out of his pocket, looks down, and reads on the packet ..

IT'S THE TOBACCO THAT COUNTS

I guess most of you will have to Google "Players Navy Cut" !!
       
New Mon 23 Apr 18 20:23 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A chicken is walking along the pavement when he sees a duck about to cross the road.

"Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it".
       
New Sat 12 May 18 11:48 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A bloke goes into a Nissan dealers;

"I'd like to talk to you about that VW Golf in the showroom window".

"We don't have a VW Golf in the showroom window".

"You do now".
       
New Fri 29 Jun 18 18:04 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
The Great Lakes are the location of a number of big ship disasters.

There was the Great Lakes Storm of 1913 which downed 12 ships and stranded 19 and, of course, the sinking of the Edmund Fitzgerald many years later.

A much lesser known accident was the crash of two liquid cargo tankers in 1996 which were both chartered by Sherwin-Williams to carry a large quantity of paint, red, green, purple, and yellow, from the production facilities in New York to the distributors in Chicago.

The two ships were too close to each other when the lake became choppy and they crashed into each other, ripping open the holds containing the red and purple paints and spilling them into Lake Michigan.

The sailors had to jump into the water to avoid sinking with the ships and, of course, they were marooned
       
New Fri 29 Jun 18 18:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
p.s. this thread seems much smaller than it was, or is it my imagination?
       
New Fri 29 Jun 18 18:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - tyrednemotional
...it's definitely your imagination that is smaller than it was......
       
New Mon 16 Jul 18 16:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A blonde is in casualty after a car accident.

"Where are you bleeding from?", asks a nurse.

She replies, "Romford".
Last edited by: Robin O'Reliant on Mon 16 Jul 18 at 16:59
      1  
New Sun 22 Jul 18 18:55 
 The terrible old jokes thread - tyrednemotional
...the joke result that finally happened;

East Fife 4 Forfar 5

:-O


(Scottish League Cup after penalties today)
      2  
New Sun 22 Jul 18 20:24 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> ...the joke result that finally happened;
>>
>> East Fife 4 Forfar 5
>>
>> :-O
>>
>>
>> (Scottish League Cup after penalties today)

It took me a long time in my late teens/early twenties to get out of habit, taught by my parents and my GPO telephones engineer Uncle, of answering 'phone by saying the number - Horsforth 2528 or whatever.

In a London flatshare it was 455 0584 with inevitable mockery from flatmates referencing above joke.
Last edited by: Bromptonaut on Sun 22 Jul 18 at 20:27
       
New Sat 28 Jul 18 15:14 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
This means nothing to me......

O V N R
       
New Sat 28 Jul 18 16:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Ambo
Me neither.
       
New Sat 28 Jul 18 19:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
>> Me neither.

A clue perhaps.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJeWySiuq1I
       
New Sat 28 Jul 18 19:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
That spoils it, you should have just left people guessing.
       
New Wed 22 Aug 18 17:42 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.
       
New Thu 6 Sep 18 23:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
NOT SAFE FOR WORK
NOT SAFE FOR WORK
NOT SAFE FOR WORK

But very funny nonetheless...

Sent to me by a client - I nearly spat my tea out over my laptop!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj6MFjvTP5I


       
New Wed 12 Sep 18 12:04 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
Just recently a lot of houses around here have been burgled, the Police can't catch the culprit, all they know is he is called Carl. His "trade-mark calling card" is before he legs it he puts a brick in the washing machine and turns it on.
however, justice has been done, the other morning he was found dead in an alley, from a suspected drug overdose.
Nobody seems to be overly concerned, but one thing is certain,

Washing machines live longer , with Carl gone!
       
New Wed 12 Sep 18 12:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
One afternoon a lawyer was riding along in his big limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Intrigued, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

       
New Tue 25 Sep 18 10:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
The inventor of hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has just died.

RIP Scott Chegg.
      1  
New Wed 26 Sep 18 10:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
My wife crashed her car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory.

       
New Sat 29 Sep 18 23:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Can anyone settle an argument and tell me the name of the ship in the movie Titanic?
       
New Sat 29 Sep 18 23:13 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
www.youtube.com/watch?v=svwslRDTyzU
       
New Fri 5 Oct 18 14:52 
 The terrible old jokes thread - R.P.
Apparently Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac once turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner.

She didnt want to be known as Stevie Shatner-Nicks.
       
New Fri 5 Oct 18 14:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
Oh FFS. I'd complain bitterly about that dreadful joke if I hadn't laughed at it.
       
New Fri 5 Oct 18 16:23 
 The terrible old jokes thread - R.P.
My thoughts exactly when I read it out to Mrs RP..(Big Fleetwood Mac fan)
       
New Fri 5 Oct 18 16:56 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
He once also tried branching out into the underwear business.

For some reason though no one wanted to buy Shatner Pants.
       
New Fri 19 Oct 18 12:21 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one,
Anna two!
       
New Sun 11 Nov 18 11:08 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
Wife's Car was running a bit rough today, so I took it to my local mechanic who took a quick look at it, "leave it with me and I'll have it fixed in a couple of hours" he said. when she went back later it was running fine, "crap in the fuel tank " he said. "how often do I have to do that"! she asked.
       
New Sat 1 Dec 18 15:21 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Dog
UK HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK 's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LUPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain 's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country comes forward.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent. Bout time we were not alone


Bradford Muslim City win FA Cup Final, beating Halifax Hindu Hornets 4-1.
      1  
New Sat 1 Dec 18 16:00 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Zero
Gald to see you have reverted to type. From your mate Tommy Robinson is it?

Rsoul
       
New Fri 7 Dec 18 22:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
It's Denmark, the winter of 836, on a Friday afternoon....

A ferocious Viking, Rudolph the Red is looking out of the window.

"Wife", says Rudolph, "Get the washing in, it's going to rain".

"Darling" says Mrs Red, "How do you know it's going to rain? The weather service hasn't been invented yet and the BBC haven't started broadcasting it overhear yet!"

........












In anger, he bellows......

"Because Rudolph the Red, knows Rain, Dear"


I'll get my coat.
      4  
New Sun 23 Dec 18 14:09 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k
WATER IN THE CARBURETOR
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool".
       
New Mon 25 Mar 19 12:27 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.
       
New Fri 5 Apr 19 22:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Trump comes to work in the morning holding a mysterious package. Rushing into the oval office, he calls out to his secretary "No calls. No interruptions".

At the end of a long day, the President comes out in a foul mood, walks back to his bedroom and goes right to sleep.

Early the next morning, he is back at the office. "No calls. No interruptions". he calls out before entering the office and slamming the door behind him.

The behaviour repeats itself but after a few days, it is midnight and Trump still hasn't come out of his office. Unsure what to do, they decide that Chief of Staff John Kelley should knock on the door. "Mr. President. Are you okay?"

"I said NO INTERRUPTIONS and I meant it!" they hear Trump scream through the door.

Two more days pass without a word from the president and then the secretary's phone rings. It is Trump. "Get me Sarah Sanders immediately!"

The secret service is dispatched and in 15 minutes, a breathless Sarah Sanders is knocking on the door to the Oval office."

"Come in".

Sanders open the door slowly and finds a dishevelled unshaven Trump sitting at his desk with a big grin on his face. On top of his desk is a completed 30-piece puzzle of the New York skyline.

Sanders doesn't know what to make of it.

Trump leans back triumphantly in his chair and says. "I've got something for your next press conference..." Sarah takes out her notebook.

"You see that puzzle?" Trump asks pointing at his desk. "Well, the box says '3 to 7 years' and me, I finished it in JUST 6 DAYS!"
Last edited by: zippy on Fri 5 Apr 19 at 23:00
      2  
New Sat 6 Apr 19 13:44 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
My friend is in hospital today after seriously burning himself due to his obsession with taking selfies next to a boiling kettle.

The doctors believe he has serious selfie steam issues.
       
New Sat 6 Apr 19 22:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
So my neighbour was looking over the his prised Porsche and the mumbling under his breath.

I asked him what was wrong and he pointed to the big dent right at the front and complained that his wife had done it.

"So, is your Mrs hurt" I asked.

"Not yet!" he sneered.
       
New Wed 8 May 19 10:48 
 Technical Support Query - Zero
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 has a pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems.

A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
       
New Wed 8 May 19 12:14 
 Technical Support Query - Bromptonaut
I was thinking of a variation on that joke over the weekend. Remember it doing the rounds at work in early days of email before frivolous use was slapped down.

       
New Fri 10 May 19 12:31 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
David Beckham was disqualified from driving for six months for using his mobile phone while at the wheel. He was also ordered to pay costs totalling £925.

How is he going to manage that when he can't even afford a hands-free kit?
       
New Wed 5 Jun 19 11:24 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
      1  
New Wed 5 Jun 19 12:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Ring ring, Ring ring....

"Hi, is that the institute of prostitutes?"

Laughing voice - "No, this is the institute of PARACHUTISTS."

Worried voice - "Oh crap, when your salesman rang me last week I booked two jumps for Friday...…"
       
New Wed 26 Jun 19 16:30 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
The pope is arguing with an atheist about the existence of God. After an hour of being unable to get his adversary to change his mind, the pope becomes exasperated and angrily exclaims,

"You are like a blindfolded man, wandering round a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there".

The atheist replies,

"With respect, your holiness, you too are like a blindfolded man, wandering round a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. Only you've found it".
       
New Sun 1 Sep 19 15:46 
 The terrible old jokes thread - No FM2R
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended with her saying;

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went;

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,

looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just had the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my tennis coach dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!".
      3  
New Sun 1 Sep 19 16:03 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
A woman walks into a chemists and asks for some arsenic.

"Why do you want that?", asked the chemist. The woman replied, "I want to kill my husband".

The Chemist replied, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you anything for that". The woman reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife. The chemist said, "You should have said you had a prescription".
Last edited by: Webmaster on Sun 1 Sep 19 at 21:07
       
New Wed 4 Sep 19 10:38 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
Five surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."

The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the backside are interchangeable.’
Last edited by: VxFan on Wed 11 Sep 19 at 10:40
       
New Fri 20 Sep 19 12:41 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
So, Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting at a bar.

Chuck says, “You know guys, I am fed up in starring in all of these action flicks, it’s time to do something more cultural“.

Arnold and Sylvester nod in agreement and after a moment or two Sylvester says “How about a film charting the life of the great composers”?

Chuck agrees and Arnold thinks for a moment and says “I know, Stallone, you can play Mozart, Norris, you can play Beethoven and me, ……











I’ll be Bach”!
       
New Sun 27 Oct 19 18:28 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
So the Wales team are home and in the pub ordering their round, the Scotland team beat them there and were already seated, supping their whiskey and the Irish were enjoying a Guinness.

Now all jokes like this should also include the English....















But they're still in Japan!
       
New Sun 27 Oct 19 18:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Interviewer - "I see there is a three year gap on your employment record, can you explain why?"

Applicant - "I went to Yale".

Interviewer - "That's great, start Monday".

Applicant - "Fantastic, I've got a yob!"
      2  
New Tue 29 Oct 19 10:18 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
BREAKING NEWS

John Bercow has been found dead after trying to rewire a plug.
An Initial police report states that, "He had no concept of what neutral was!!"
       
New Tue 29 Oct 19 10:55 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Bromptonaut
>> John Bercow has been found dead after trying to rewire a plug.
>> An Initial police report states that, "He had no concept of what neutral was!!"

A FB friend sent me this last week. Much as I vehemently disagree with aspersions on the Speaker's independence I did allow myself a chuckle.
       
New Tue 5 Nov 19 17:25 
 The terrible old jokes thread - henry k

husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Officer: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays.
Officer: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER : Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER : Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.
OFFICER : Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER : What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 .with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We'll find your truck
       
New Mon 18 Nov 19 12:42 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan

It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from the BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were subsequently taken away by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
       
New Thu 5 Dec 19 02:11 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
If you need to scrape the ice off your windscreen in the morning, don't use a discount card as you'll only get 10% off.
       
New Thu 5 Dec 19 10:59 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
>> If you need to scrape the ice off your windscreen in the morning, don't use
>> a discount card as you'll only get 10% off.
>>

Go to your room and think about what you've done.
       
New Fri 6 Dec 19 16:22 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Locked out of your car.

Don't worry.

Find a soldier....










They wear khakis!
      1  
New Sat 7 Dec 19 21:02 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know?

Because I need to borrow some chairs.
       
New Wed 11 Dec 19 17:12 
 The terrible old jokes thread - tyrednemotional
News just in from from Zurich -

Ten people were injured when a masked man threw a pot of molten cheese over them.

Police are blaming Swiss Fonduementalists.
       
New Sat 14 Dec 19 11:35 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Dianne Abbot appeared on The Chase Celebrity Special last night. She didn't do too well, giving the answer to one question that Sugar Diabetes was a Welsh boxer.
       
New Tue 31 Dec 19 18:04 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
Mrs Zippy: “So what are we doing tomorrow?”

Me: “No idea, I don’t have 2020 vision!”
       
New Fri 17 Jan 20 12:58 
 The terrible old jokes thread - zippy
To the person that stole my glasses....

I WILL find you. I have contacts!
       
New Thu 6 Feb 20 10:29 
 The terrible old jokes thread - VxFan
Decided to sell my DeLorean.

Good condition, low mileage as only driven from time to time.
       
New Thu 6 Feb 20 13:26 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
Don't blame alcohol because you made a fool of yourself, you did it enough times when you were sober.
       
New Sat 8 Feb 20 13:15 
 The terrible old jokes thread - devonite
I finally bought an Alexa last week! - decided to try it out so I asked it an impossible question, Alexa I said,"what do Women want?"

The bloomin thing hasn't shut up for five days now ;-(
      1  
New Thu 20 Feb 20 14:16 
 The terrible old jokes thread - Robin O'Reliant
I was yelling at my wife the other day, "What the hell's the matter with you, you've just driven the car over my motorbike".

She said, "It's your own fault for leaving it in the shed".
       
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