Edinburgh Fringe 2015: The 50 best jokes

The Edinburgh Festival acts as a showcase for the country’s best joke-tellers. Here, Alice Jones picks 50 of her 2015 favourites:

1 Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other, “Make an effort, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.” Tommy Tiernan

2 Dominatrixes certainly are some rude people. You’d think for that price they could afford a little kindness. Sarah Ranken

3 Joan Rivers got exactly what she wanted from that last surgery – to stop ageing. So why are we sad? Katherine Ryan

4 Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. Matt Winning

5 Bonsai lovers are very tolerant people: they hate bigotry. Juliet Meyers

6 My girlfriend asked me, “Is there anything you want to see at Glastonbury?” I said, “Yes, an Ebola outbreak.” Andrew Lawrence

7 Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high-fives all the time. Rhys James

8 People who process expired passports are so lazy, they’re always cutting corners. Joel Dommett

9 I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. She asked: “Hardback?” and I was like: “Yeah, and little heads.” Mark Simmons

10 Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence. Jo Brand

11 So much for Taylor Swift. She sent back my trousers unmended! Milton Jones

12 I spent the last three days, alone, trying to learn escapology. I need to get out more. Pete Firman

13 I was vegan for a while. I lost 6lb, but most of that was personality. Pippa Evans

14 I know you didn’t come here today to hear a rape joke but you’ve all come here dressed like you want to hear one so it’s not my fault. Bridget Christie

15 Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat. Joe Lycett

16 I wish I was a lesbian but I just don’t have the genes – which are dungarees. Aisling Bea

17 Did you know Kinder Surprise is German for “unwanted pregnancy?” Adam Hess

18 I don’t do Crossfit. I have a personality. Sofie Hagen

19 When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born. Yianni

20 How many people here are psychic? Raise my hand! Chris Dugdale

21 I’m allergic to nuts, which means that if I ever want to commit suicide I can do it by Ferrero Rocher. Harriet Kemsley

22 I’ve just come back from a Club 18-30 holiday. It lasted 12 years! Tom Parry

23 My mate and I were in a pub debating where the barman originates from. I said he was an Eskimo. He said Native American. Turns out he was an Eskimo. Inuit all along. Richard Gadd

24 My father grew up in this really racist part of Boston, called Boston. Alex Edelman

25 My wife and I can never agree on holidays. I want to fly to exotic places and stay in five-star hotels. And she wants to come with me. Kelly Kingham

26 I was quite an upbeat child, I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel. Rob Auton

27 They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty. Jeff Green

28 In America it is so hard for white women to go to jail. So they made a whole television show about the one time it happened. Jena Friedman

29 My dad’s a real family man – he’s got three of them. Steve Bugeja

30 My boyfriend and I used to argue over the duvet. I liked to sleep all stretched out like a starfish and he liked to sleep with a blonde lady called Leanne. Laura Lexx

31 My mother wears the burqa – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad. Shazia Mirza

32 Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing. Stewart Francis

33 My skin is the biggest organ of my body, despite what stereotypes would lead you to believe. Dane Baptiste

34 Where does Mark Antony get his hair cut? In-a-barbus. Kieran Hodgson

35 If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith

36 Did you know if you count the number of stars in the universe and compare that to the number of grains of sand on a beach, you can ruin a holiday? Tom Neenan

37 Why are disabled toilets big enough to run around in? Lost Voice Guy

38 I was really disappointed that Kayne West and Kim Kardashian didn’t call their new kid Wicky Wicky Wicky Wild Wild. Mark Nelson

39 Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens. Darren Walsh

40 The Bible would have been so different if Adam and Eve had simply decided to buy a PC instead. Keith Farnan

41 Whenever I’m on a date with a girl I tell her she has an amazing laugh to trick her into thinking she’s been laughing a lot. Adam Hess

42 “Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.” “Was it something I said?” asks the son. “Yes.” Damien Slash

43 I’m dating a PE teacher at the moment. So I am literally embracing my childhood fears. Richard Soames

44 I was going to scatter my father’s ashes but he was a big cricket fan so I thought I’d retain them. Alfie Moore

45 You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity. Lou Sanders

46 I wasn’t sure about this beard at first but it’s grown on me. Tez Ilyas

47 I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine. Bridget Christie

48 After my grandfather’s funeral, I scattered his remains over the garden, which was horrible because he hadn’t been cremated. Thünderbards

49 My husband never learned to drive – in my opinion. Jo Brand

50 I bought a muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy, but it fits the bill. Chris Turner